Things

“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.”  ~Zachary Scott

I kind of left you hanging there, sorry about that. There is more to that story and in hindsight I realize that there was more than just one singular incident that lead to my feeling so very alone. It was more like months of compounded interest that finally caused the dam to burst. But more on that – all of it – later. Your comments and DMs and emails were greatly appreciated. I’d hug you all if I could.

A few things:

1) I’ve spent the better part of the last few months trying to figure out my 2012 plans. Not in terms of forming an exploratory committee but a combination of conferences and how to operate a political blog and possibly facilitate another event during what could be a tumultuous, down and dirty campaign season. I’m attempting to fit my passion into my real life without stomping all over one or the other. It’s hard.

2) Speaking of 2012: I submitted a panel for SXSW along with Joanne Bamberger and David Wescott on Women, social media and political engagement. This will be an entire post on its own – not here, but over here – but if you would go over to the SXSW Panel Picker and vote for it, I’d sure appreciate it.

3) Speaking of projects: I saw what AB did for Heather and now I want for her to help me with my living room and bedroom. Look, I live in Upstate NY and therefore spend a good chunk of the months of December – March indoors, fearful of giant chunks of ice falling off a branch and busting me in the head. That said, if I’m going to be indoors I want it to look pretty. And what I have now is the opposite of pretty. So she’s going to help me and it will be so very worth it. I’m realizing that the things that make me miserable can easily be fixed or rearranged. Why I just sit there and let things make me unhappy is beyond me but my therapist and I are working on it.

4) I curated a slideshow for Kirtsy. It’s of Washington, DC at its best. I love that place: http://kirtsy.com/2011/08/27/dc-curated-by-heather-barmore/

5) Speaking of weather: This is what I did during Irene on Sunday. Narcissus much? I was bored. May I present to you the many faces of Heather L. Barmore. You’re welcome.

6) I have a four day weekend. Hooray for labor!

Posted in Listy, That's Life | 1 Comment

Untitled

Catherine got me thinking today. She’s good at that though. Last Monday I had a post I was ready to write. I wanted to do my word vomit thing and get it all – the nastiness, the disturbing, the shocking – out while it was fresh in my head. I had the sentences ready to go and was quickly brought back to reality by Alana. I’d been full of haste for days and under such a spell I was ready to write it down and get it out in the open. She forced me into stopping and thinking and reevaluating that very poor decision and now I’m struggling to remember whether or not I thanked her properly.

During my first two years of blogging I distinctly remember putting out my every thought no matter how mundane or minute it needed to be read. I wanted for it to be read. Was it for attention? An ego boost? Or just the pure joy of playing with words and seeing what I could do? I was 23 so it was most likely all of the above for as you know 23 year olds can be a bit selfish as they venture into adulthood. 23 is second to 13 with the Me, Me, ME. So put it out there I did with little regard to who and what I wrote about. In my eyes it was MY story to be told as I saw fit or at least that is how it was justified to the angry masses. Over time I learned to rein that in a bit but I still fall of that wagon and put the Me before anything else. I can be selfish, we all can be but hey, at least I admit it.

The story that started to write on Monday but quickly scrapped in light of hurt is the story of my life – going back to the Me. I’m hesitant to write the next sentence because it is the epitome of my selfishness but here goes: Last Friday I decided that instead of dealing with things and my own faults and the reaction to them, that I was done. I mean done, done. Death done. I can hardly type the words out now but since we’re here I might as well. I took all of my prescribed medication in one fell swoop. I chased it with a glass of Malbec. I then laid down and watched Tropic Thunder and fell asleep. Saturday morning I woke up. Pleasantly surprised I might add. But more surprised by my reaction to the entire thing and how incredibly detached I was from the fact that the evening before I had actually tried to commit suicide. The way I quickly jotted off two texts to apologize and that was the end of that. The way I was happy I had cleaned the day before because a stretcher could make its way to my bedroom with ease and that my cat had plenty of water and food to last him to Monday. Tuesday at the absolute latest. The calmness of it all is what frightened me the most.

Monday I went to my therapist and told her about it all and with ease and of course with my trademark flippant behavior towards a very serious situation. How easily I could have succumbed to a serious illness because sometimes I just can’t deal.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this and how I expected to end – this post, I mean. Everything else is fine or at least better. There are some lessons to be learned an extensive amount of therapy copays to deal, the way in which I hurt my friends and family but that will be for later. For now…it’s just getting the words out. See? Selfish.

Somewhat related: If you haven’t read this from Heather Armstrong you should. She says everything I want to say but, of course, better.

Posted in Strait-jacket | 34 Comments

Third time’s a charm: The Life List

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.”  ~Danny Kaye

I had a sudden whim to redo my Life List or at least look it over to see what it is I really want to actually do before I die. It’s inevitable to change one’s mind or to rethink the future as one gets older. I don’t know…I found it time for a once over, collaborate with myself, move forward, see what I want out of this little life of mine. This will be the third version of this list. What can I say? Things change, people change.*

1. Finish my book proposal

2. Write an actual book

3. Cross-country antiquing trip

4. Visit all 50 States**

5. Buy my very own car

6. Write an article for Vanity Fair

7. Re-learn to ride a horse

8. Spa weekend in Arizona

9. At least make a vague attempt to be organized

10. Hire a house cleaner for regular cleaning

11. Ocean kayak down the east coast

12. Learn to dress myself for my body type.

13. Visit the White House

14. Play golf in Dubai

15. Host a dinner party

16. Run for office

17. Learn to sew***

18. Attend the State of the Union

19. Design and make a dress

20. Become a parent

21. Have a ladies weekend on Martha’s Vineyard

22. Learn to play the guitar

23. Turn my apartment into a home

24. Run a 10K

25. Run a half marathon****

26. Run a full marathon

27. Go to the Superbowl

28. Sundance film festival

29. Full spa day – facial, massage, mani, pedi*****

30. Learn to fence

31. Own property

32. Attend a football game in every stadium in the country

33. Speak at SXSW******

34. Learn to snowboard

35. Visit Canada more often

36. Tour New York State

37. Write more about politics

38. Tour southeast Asia

39. Capetown and Johannesburg, South Africa

40. Carnivale in Rio

41. Mardi Gras in New Orleans

42. Have high tea in London

43. Become a licensed pilot

44. Attend a session of parliament in London

45. Be my own boss

46. Be a more vocal proponent of women in politics

47. Learn to make sushi

48. Dublin with Chris and Susan

49. Visit Brussels – home of the EU

50. Make a holiday meal with all of the fixin’s

51. Another weekend in Paris

52. Live abroad for a year

53. Be debt free

54. Read Pride and Prejudice

55. Attend Wimbledon

56. Have an actual week long staycation

57. Wear real red lipstick

58. See the pyramids

59. Fall in love again

60. Visit Tel Aviv

61. Write a book about my father’s life growing up in the south during the Civil Rights Movement

62. Make the perfect key lime pie

63. Throw a huge 30th birthday bash

64. Understand bipolar disorder

65. Become certified in SCUBA diving

66. Read the 100 Best Novels according to Modern Library

67. Make my bed everyday

68. Take individual portraits of my family

69. Take a photo a day for 100 days

70. Be a tourist in Washington, DC.

71. See the 100 Greatest Movies of all time according to AFI

72. A yearly trip to Europe

73. Wine tasting in the Finger Lakes

74. Be a talking head on CNN or MSNBC

75. Once I become a parent, take said child or children to Disneyworld

76. Take a trip with Peg to Prague, Vienna and Amsterdam

77. Throw someone a surprise party

78. Be the subject of a Buodoir photophoot

79. Hug Idris Elba

80. Make a pie crust from scratch

81. Learn to hem a pair of pants

82. A bra fitting every year

83. Plan a romantic weekend getaway

84. Adopt a dog

85. Attend New York Fashion Week and Fashion’s Night Out

86. A beach trip in Cantabria

87. Run a political/social good boot camp for women

88. Provide a scholarship for a young woman majoring in political science

89. Take my child(ren) to enjoy the holiday lights in NYC

90. Interview Diane Ravitch for Poliogue

91. Ice Skate at Rockefeller Center

92. Give a TED talk

93. Get styled by a professional stylist

94. Take a real – turn off the phone – vacation every year

95. Observe the Supreme Court

96. Have a garden

97. Visit Central High School in Little Rock

98. Go to the Olympics

99. Learn to change a tire

100. Get my skin under control

 

*I was also inspired by Eden’s post where she mentioned her list for 2012.

**States left to experience: Alaska, Arkansas, Hawaii, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Utah, Wisconsin, Wyoming
***As in purchase a sewing machine. See also; guess who’s been watching way too much Project Runway??
****You can read about that travesty here
*****I got this idea from Allison Czarnecki. Best idea ever.
******Hey! You can vote for me to speak in 2012 right here. So handy.

Posted in Life List | 2 Comments

A Sunday Afternoon

“Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.” ~Josh Billings

Photo via Laurie White (http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes/)

This day wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was to be half way across the country when this photo was taken. Sitting in a window seat, possibly passed out, stomach full of shitty airport food that would give me the…wait for it…shits. Instead I was in Ocean Beach. Doing this. With them. Instead, feeling those end of BlogHer pangs and a full on hangover, I decided to stay that extra night. Perhaps if I stayed it wouldn’t be over? Those four days go so quickly don’t they? On Wednesday night you find yourself texting to see who wants a quick nightcap and on Friday you can’t move three feet without hugging, stopping, chatting. “How are the kids?” “How was the move?” we catch up and say “see you later” in hopes that there will be a later. The later is comes well after 11 with cheeseburgers and way too many drinks. I always want to say goodbye properly but I never do. It’s a rush and at once everyone who is there is now gone. So one more night, I told myself. On the way back to my room I spotted a party, saw Laurie at the bar and busted out with my bravado, and “Don’t you know who I am?” Of course it was the Clever Girls so I was welcomed with open arms and open bar. At the end I thought I might be intruding on Sarah and Laurie’s final day in San Diego. I casually asked of their plans and they mentioned something about Ocean Beach. I briefly hesitated because…I don’t know…even though I had just pulled the “I’m Heather fucking Barmore” card, I felt like they were inviting me out of pity. I went along anyway for it couldn’t be that bad to put away beers for the afternoon, eat fish tacos and walk out to what seemed to be the end of the world.

In the first 30 minutes I laughed so hard that I ended up with a painful headache. I was afraid to laugh again because of the pounding and the way my cheeks felt as if they were pulled taut across my face. I clenched my stomach and I wouldn’t allow Laurie to speak unless I had finished a full sip. We returned back to the Marriott, which was now largely empty but there were familiar faces. I told Deb how the afternoon had went. How I laughed more than I had in ages and how I thought my death would be eminent or at least the vomiting up of aforementioned fish tacos because I could not stop. And she replied with this: “That’s good. It should hurt to be that happy.” It did and I was. Thanks for the adventure ladies.

Photo via Laurie White (http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes/)

Posted in BlogHer, On Happiness | 5 Comments

The Lucky One

“Now, out of boredom (yes I’m bored and no I’m not afraid to say it), frustration and good ole fashioned narcissism, I’ve decided to write about it. Even if just to amuse myself.” – Me

BlogHer coincides with the anniversary of the start of this blog. So, I return more pensive than usual (the first post lives here, if you are so inclined). The first year – at least – is speckled with my shaking my fists at the Universe as it forced me into adulthood and the frustration of leaving the safety and security of childhood for…well…this. You can’t see but I just made a sweeping gesture to my surroundings. I tapped my finger on a stack of bills and post-it notes reminding me of phone calls to make and where to be and when. This is what it is now. Getting here wasn’t particularly graceful but I have managed to fall into it without breaking any bones. Though No Pasa Nada is only six years old, it is considered ancient in Internet years but what I see from the past is a very young, 21 year old woman unsure of herself and her everything. Now I see a woman who is 27 going on 28. Still unsure of being called ‘adult’ but rolling with it. Tectonic plates have shifted and now I am here at this desk with this office and the home and with it all. Not where I expected but I take it each day. 21 would have shunned so much of this because of its imperfections, however small. 27 likes the scratches and dents and will to run with it anyway.

Six years ago I never expected to essentially come of age in front of a live studio audience. I held my finger over the publish button, took a deep breath and that was it.

I never expected you. I regret many things but this will never be one of them and for that I am eternally thankful.

Posted in BlogHer, Blogology, That's Life | 3 Comments