Catherine got me thinking today. She’s good at that though. Last Monday I had a post I was ready to write. I wanted to do my word vomit thing and get it all – the nastiness, the disturbing, the shocking – out while it was fresh in my head. I had the sentences ready to go and was quickly brought back to reality by Alana. I’d been full of haste for days and under such a spell I was ready to write it down and get it out in the open. She forced me into stopping and thinking and reevaluating that very poor decision and now I’m struggling to remember whether or not I thanked her properly.
During my first two years of blogging I distinctly remember putting out my every thought no matter how mundane or minute it needed to be read. I wanted for it to be read. Was it for attention? An ego boost? Or just the pure joy of playing with words and seeing what I could do? I was 23 so it was most likely all of the above for as you know 23 year olds can be a bit selfish as they venture into adulthood. 23 is second to 13 with the Me, Me, ME. So put it out there I did with little regard to who and what I wrote about. In my eyes it was MY story to be told as I saw fit or at least that is how it was justified to the angry masses. Over time I learned to rein that in a bit but I still fall of that wagon and put the Me before anything else. I can be selfish, we all can be but hey, at least I admit it.
The story that started to write on Monday but quickly scrapped in light of hurt is the story of my life – going back to the Me. I’m hesitant to write the next sentence because it is the epitome of my selfishness but here goes: Last Friday I decided that instead of dealing with things and my own faults and the reaction to them, that I was done. I mean done, done. Death done. I can hardly type the words out now but since we’re here I might as well. I took all of my prescribed medication in one fell swoop. I chased it with a glass of Malbec. I then laid down and watched Tropic Thunder and fell asleep. Saturday morning I woke up. Pleasantly surprised I might add. But more surprised by my reaction to the entire thing and how incredibly detached I was from the fact that the evening before I had actually tried to commit suicide. The way I quickly jotted off two texts to apologize and that was the end of that. The way I was happy I had cleaned the day before because a stretcher could make its way to my bedroom with ease and that my cat had plenty of water and food to last him to Monday. Tuesday at the absolute latest. The calmness of it all is what frightened me the most.
Monday I went to my therapist and told her about it all and with ease and of course with my trademark flippant behavior towards a very serious situation. How easily I could have succumbed to a serious illness because sometimes I just can’t deal.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this and how I expected to end – this post, I mean. Everything else is fine or at least better. There are some lessons to be learned an extensive amount of therapy copays to deal, the way in which I hurt my friends and family but that will be for later. For now…it’s just getting the words out. See? Selfish.
Somewhat related: If you haven’t read this from Heather Armstrong you should. She says everything I want to say but, of course, better.
Things
“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.” ~Zachary Scott
I kind of left you hanging there, sorry about that. There is more to that story and in hindsight I realize that there was more than just one singular incident that lead to my feeling so very alone. It was more like months of compounded interest that finally caused the dam to burst. But more on that – all of it – later. Your comments and DMs and emails were greatly appreciated. I’d hug you all if I could.
A few things:
1) I’ve spent the better part of the last few months trying to figure out my 2012 plans. Not in terms of forming an exploratory committee but a combination of conferences and how to operate a political blog and possibly facilitate another event during what could be a tumultuous, down and dirty campaign season. I’m attempting to fit my passion into my real life without stomping all over one or the other. It’s hard.
2) Speaking of 2012: I submitted a panel for SXSW along with Joanne Bamberger and David Wescott on Women, social media and political engagement. This will be an entire post on its own – not here, but over here – but if you would go over to the SXSW Panel Picker and vote for it, I’d sure appreciate it.
3) Speaking of projects: I saw what AB did for Heather and now I want for her to help me with my living room and bedroom. Look, I live in Upstate NY and therefore spend a good chunk of the months of December – March indoors, fearful of giant chunks of ice falling off a branch and busting me in the head. That said, if I’m going to be indoors I want it to look pretty. And what I have now is the opposite of pretty. So she’s going to help me and it will be so very worth it. I’m realizing that the things that make me miserable can easily be fixed or rearranged. Why I just sit there and let things make me unhappy is beyond me but my therapist and I are working on it.
4) I curated a slideshow for Kirtsy. It’s of Washington, DC at its best. I love that place: http://kirtsy.com/2011/08/27/dc-curated-by-heather-barmore/
5) Speaking of weather: This is what I did during Irene on Sunday. Narcissus much? I was bored. May I present to you the many faces of Heather L. Barmore. You’re welcome.
6) I have a four day weekend. Hooray for labor!