Hot Mess

January 19, 2010 | Filed under: Humdrum

“My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.”  ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Things have been a little light here lately, no? Perhaps it’s the early darkness that causes me to retreat to my bed with episodes of Arrested Development by my side at 5:30 PM. Also, I have recently discovered some fantastic technology wherein I can order sushi from under the covers. But it begs the question: If I can get lo mein, eel rolls, pizza and a bucket of chicken delivered to my front door at the ready, why cannot I not get a nice bottle of Malbec by my bed in 15 minutes or less? Hmm? Anyone want to develop that app?

I have had my ass kicked lately. Not in a horribly dramatic or traumatizing way but I will give you this tale: One day I phoned my mother from my office to her office at 7 PM. She asked why I was still there and I said that I was working, of course. Conference-calling to be specific. Then I did a heavy sigh and told her that I got it. I totally get IT and so much of my childhood. Thought it was less of a realization and more of a God Bless You! You, my friend, are up for Saint Hood! I was in awe that she went to work every fucking day and then came home to us and dealt with our bullshit every fucking night. This isn’t a knock on our profession it’s just that work – any work – takes its toll. Children take their toll. The combination of the two forces is like some Professor X vs. Magneto type shit and the world falls off its axis. The end. I don’t know how she did it and will not fully comprehend until I am there but at this moment in time, I’m 99.9% sure that my mother carefully hid her Xanax prescription for like 18 years.

So my ass has been kicked and hopefully the end of January will roll around and I will see visions of Houston, New Orleans and Austin dancing in my head. I can practically hear Susan saying “I’m so glad you’re here” and Karen being Karen and when I’m running those 13.1 miles with Danielle and she’s telling me that no, I will not die right here in this street this way so keep going. And the next day I’ll eat beignets and be all, hey, that wasn’t so bad. Let’s do that again.

It always happens that way.

Oh look at her with one of her ‘problems’ again…

January 16, 2010 | Filed under: Humdrum

“Some persons are very decisive when it comes to avoiding decisions.”  ~Brendan Francis

Don’t think that I didn’t exaggerate and roll my eyes when putting those air quotes around ‘problem’. Oops, I did it again. Also don’t think that now isn’t really the time for me to be coming to the Internet with a ‘problem’ that isn’t so much a problem as it is a nuisance because there was an earthquake several days ago. And ever since then I’ve been a weepy mess and then my Aunt Flo came to visit and I thought that would make me feel better alas, not. Still a weepy mess who stares at CNN.com for hours on end mouthing ‘I don’t understand…’

But hypothetically speaking; let’s say that I needed an item of furniture. I looked around for a bit and bought this item of furniture. In fact I’m sitting here next to a glass of of wine typing away on this piece of furniture. Now let’s say that while looking for something else recently, I stumbled upon a very similar item to what I already have but this borders on perfect. And let’s say that I saw this item and was all, ‘Holy Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t I find this earlier!’ And then I smacked myself in the head because DOH. So! If you were me would you buy the even better piece of furniture that really is absolutely perfect? Or would you just be a suffering fool and let the other item go. Realizing that this is a very good lesson for all future purchases?

And now back to your regularly scheduled real problems of the heart breaking sort.

Let’s call this a comeback

January 1, 2010 | Filed under: Grace in Small Things, The year on the edge

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”  ~Bill Vaughan

I was in the middle of some long ass piece of wistful deep hearted writing about the last 10 years. About how I used to be 16 and now I’m 26 and holy shit that’s a mighty jump. It was going to be about how much has happened and the sheer balls and heartache and abject fear that went into it all. How everything happens for a reason and it would be tied up in a neat little bow with some lesson at the end. Something about how much I’ve learned and that while there were some absolutely horrific times where I honestly thought that death was imminent and the FEAR, the piss yourself fear, but despite all that, it wasn’t that bad.

In the end I scrapped all of that because we have all been down that road. You don’t need me to throw my two cents into the ring just fill up some dead air. You don’t need me saying that when things were bad they were really bad but when things were good, they were really good. I sound like some god damn therapist trying to psychoanalyze you and your relationship woes. It happened. Shit happened. And while I can easily recount terrorism and snipers and death and heartbreak; I can also tell you all about how so many things went according to plan, and then some, and I loved with a fierceness and was loved with a fierceness.

Nothing was perfect but is it ever? Things could always be better. I want to be better. And that’s all that really matters.

This Thanksgiving Post Goes Out to Ms. Ali Martell

December 4, 2009 | Filed under: Grace in Small Things

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks.”  ~William Shakespeare

Thanksgiving didn’t go as planned. But before I left Ali’s house on Sunday, her mother looked at me with shock that I was leaving. That I had to leave because Enterprise might want their car back and because I enjoy being employed. But she had other plans “You’re going to miss ice skating!” “It will be too crowded!” “I think you should just stay until Monday” She protested. Then sent me off with homemade peanut butter cups and a smooch.

I’m rarely thankful. For all that I have – and the BS that is lopped on top – I never just sigh and say ‘thanks’. In hindsight I should have just hoped for the most exquisite, warm and inviting Thanksgiving ever. I should have hoped for a lovely friend and her family to wrap their arms around me and treat me like one of their own. I should have hoped for laughing so hard that my cheeks hurt and cuddly babies and a gorgeous eight year old who hugged my waist and was genuinely happy that I came.

It didn’t go perfectly as planned but it exceeded all of my expectations. So yeah, I’m thankful.

*There are no photos because I was too busy raiding the wine fridge and the stuffing and a random box of Godiva chocolates and Chick-fil-a.

Ten Thousand Waves and Zen

November 24, 2009 | Filed under: Grace in Small Things, Planes trains and automobiles

“The whole object of travel is not to set foot on foreign land; it is at last to set foot on one’s own country as a foreign land.”  ~G.K. Chesterton

I went on a business trip to Santa Fe and because I returned late last night I ended up crashing at my mom’s. I took out my camera with the behemoth Tamron lens still attached. She looked up from editing a paper and said, “You brought your camera with you to New Mexico?”

“Yeah…”

“Por qué?”

“Porque…”:

I’ve never wanted to go to Santa Fe but when the opportunity to discuss pedagogy AND politics presented itself, I packed up my Samsonite and not nearly enough moisturizer and off I went. It’s beautiful. One of the most beautiful places I’ve been to and I’ve been to Versailles. But there was something magical; almost powerful something about Santa Fe that made me want to put it on my To Do List for another time.

That last photo was taken from the mountains at Ten Thousand Waves. A Japanese inspired spa and bath house where I spent three hours completely nude and receieved a massage that got (most of) the anxiety ridden bitch out of me.

Santa Fe was by no means gentle on me. I got nose bleeds and altitude sickness and by Sunday I lay in my bed for three hours praying that I would just puke and get it over with. But what it took from me in energy it made up for in just sitting back and relaxing. Santa Fe makes you sick because it doesn’t want you to do anything except soak up the pretty and appreciate every wave, ripple and burst of wind.