Category Archives: “The Real Housewives”

Real Housewives of Atlanta: My Ego Is Bigger Than Your Ego

By nopasanada | Published: September 9, 2009

“She the ghettoist one of us all” – Kandi

It took me some time to put my finger on whatever bothered me so much about last week’s episode. Specifically the part where NeNe went to Lisa’s house and was shocked that there were actual asian people there. The whole icky event – not the grandomther’s party because if I were 92 that would be the perfect party for me too. A cake from Giant and my family – reminded me of a family reunion I went to about a decade or so ago. We were told that it would be a giant affair with all of the relatives, from all of the branches of the tree. What I’m saying in an elusive way is that there would be white people there even though I’m black. But I don’t remember it being a big deal or a shock because it was something I had been well aware of for most of my life. But had a friend of mine showed up and said “OH MAH GOOOOOD” completely through their nasal passages, I think I’d be pretty pissed.

I once showed a photo of my aunt Rachel to a friend and she said, “She and your mother are sisters?” Yes. “Really…” Yes. “But she’s so…light”. We’re no longer friends.

Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot!:

6) Why does Sheree always have this ‘my shit don’t stink’/holier than thou look on her face?

Every time she looks like that I struggle with what would happen if I put my fist through the laptop screen. The only thing that keeps me from doing such is my attachment to my computer. I’d like to give her a gentle shove off her pedestal.

5) Any conversation that starts with anyone having to prove or not prove just how ghetto they are also makes me want to throw something through the television. It never ends well or ends with someone being slightly offended. Usually that someone is me. Does it really matter to compare? You’re both on a television show where people make fun of you. You’re both pretty. Especially you Kandi when you make that face.

P.S. Snapping is sooo ghetto. As is whistling. And clapping. Clapping definitely.

4) NeNe harping on Kim’s friendship with Kandi. Why you ask? Because she’s NeNe and that’s all the reason you need.

3) I fell a little bit in love with Kandi this week. It feels like she’s a real person as opposed to Kim’s ‘I’m real but doused in Barbie” image. And no this has nothing to do with Kandi and Lisa’s Kid n’ Play.

Ok maybe.

I wonder about how people feel about Lisa. I mean sure she’s just some person in a land far far away who one will never encounter but still; how do you feel? I think she’s classy and considering the bunch that is saying a lot. She seems like a person who only feels the need to pull the ‘I’m going to fuck up your shit’ card when it’s really and truly necessary. Not just because or to be loud because everyone else is being loud but if and only if someone needs their hair pulled off. She wouldn’t just pull someone’s wig to shift it she would do so with ample force and purpose.

It’s sad that Kim walks away pleased as punch that no one yelled at her or tried to tear her wig off. WE’RE SPEAKING OF ADULTS. That’s in all caps in case you needed a reminder as to why I am so very shocked. But there it is.

2) What makes me dislike Sheree is what also makes me love her. I mean isn’t her “I’m trying so hard to squeeze…out…a…tear AHHH THERE IT IS!” face precious?

Kandi told Sheree of a devastating family tragedy that happened when younger members who were staying with her were hit by a drunk driver. It’s really fucking sad. Of course and yet there’s something about Sheree’s tears that don’t seem meaningful but that’s probably because they’re coming from Sheree and we all know that Sheree doesn’t have feelings unless it’s about her.

Please note that lemon tart cake thing behind her. When I got to Atlanta this fall my first stop will be Chocolate Pink.

1) HAPPY ALTER EGO PHOTO SHOOT DAY!

You won’t believe this, I’m sure but I have nothing all that snarky to say about the photo shoot. No one hit each other or pulled off another lady’s wig. It was pleasant! Everyone got along! Sheree and Kim spoke and agreed to come together for someone else and then the Earth opened up and swallowed Atlanta whole. I have no idea how it happened but it did.

Here’s a nip slip courtesy of NeNe to celebrate.

Lisa:

Kandi:

Kim:

Look Kim as her alter ego KIM!

Sheree:

NeNe:

I love when Kim asks “What is an alter ego anyway?” Is she kidding? Doesn’t she know of Peter Parker and Clark Kent? She probably doesn’t know what one is because she went as herself for her alter ego.

This week NeNe is going to mock Kim and then Kim will say something about how someone is the black version of her and the world will be restored to its natural order.

P.S. What would your alter ego be? I’ll show tell you mine if you show tell me yours.

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Episode 5 – Home Is Where the Heartache Is

By nopasanada | Published: September 1, 2009

“She better get black and get black quick” – NeNe

Welcome to another special episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. One that details with the important topics of race, death and whether or not Kim can sing.

Pop Quiz
You have a friend who is black and Asian. You know that this friend is black AND Asian. When you meet your friend’s family how do you respond?

A) With plenty of thanks and kindness towards your hosts for inviting you to the family home
B) Say to several million people: “I was just expecting…hmm,,,”You know how you how envision someone looking a certain way and they’re totally different than you were thinking…?:”
C) Meet your friend’s parents and say “Oh GOOOOOOOOD” while wearing sunglasses indoors like the sun is right on the coffee table in your face.
D) Say “I know that Lisa is Asian and Black, I just wasn’t expecting to see so many Asian people”
E) Say, “I have my chopsticks in my bag”
F) Answers B through E
G) Only A

What I have to say about NeNe right now is limited to a neglect of a proper recap of the Kim-tervention Director’s Cut. Which if you have yet to watch that I do command that you take your ass to iTunes and pay the $1.99 to watch because it is appalling and telling about the dynamics of the entire group. It forced me to rethink my thoughts on NeNe who love for her show-stopping, walk into a room and cause people’s heads to turn, ability. I love that she can be loud and out there. But I do not love her tendency to thrive on drama. I do not love her saying that she genuinely cares about her friendship with Kim and yet you never hear her think about that before she speaks. The things that have come out of her mouth whether she says them for shock and entertainment value or because that’s how she feels; I am never sure which is which. And that is what has made me hesitant to throwdown when it comes to NeNe.

She’s just so NeNe.

Ask her how she feels about Kandi.

Really, that bad?

Ok then. I’ll stop asking

It reminds me of how Kim feels about Lisa.

Again, hmm, so you don’t like her?

And now it’s time for *drum roll please* The Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moments of RHoATL:

5) NeNe has nominated herself the director of an Alter Ego photoshoot. The ladies will all portray one side of the personalities and then in the same photo show another side of their personalities. NeNe decides that Kim will portray an alter ego named ‘Kina’ who is black.

You know because this one time that Kim said that she was a white woman trapped in a black woman’s body to which Kim uses the excuse that usually ends all excuses. Or at least the excuse I use 98.9% of the time “Dude, I was drunk when I said that”

Kim’s reaction perfectly captures the looks of millions of Americans. Thank YOU, Kim for speaking on behalf of us.

4) Kim and Kandi are now BFF because they have birthday’s close to one another and the both refuse to deal with drama. They do it with their legs up.

I’m starting to understand Kim a little better. I mean she’s annoying as fuck, she’s unemployed and only talks about Dolce and Dior and she’s dating Lindsey Lohan’s dad BUT even though she seems fake she’s real. Does that make sense? She’s honest when it comes to ridiculousness and she really doesn’t notice it. She’s just her and she’s ok with it. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

3) Kim on Lisa: “Pick a fucking field. Pick something and focus on it”.
Kim tell me how you really feel

2) Mark September 1st as the day I officially became annoyed with Sheree. She comes across as an entitled bitch who deserves anything and everything and she is not. So I officially am not a fan. And I bet this girl feels the same way.

1) The one and only time I wanted to punch this show in the face. HI WE’RE ALL LOUD AND ANNOYING AND OVER THE TOP AND WE ALSO TYPE IN ALL CAPS ALL THE TYPE BUT THANKFULLY THE TYPING TAKES THE PLACE OF THE NASILY LAUGHTER.

There will be more RHoATL stuff this week because I have so much more to say. A volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to say.

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Sinner

By nopasanada | Published: August 26, 2009

There might not be a Real Housewives of Atlanta recap this week because I might have gone on vacation and then I might have spent that entire vacation sunning myself on the beach because it might have been 98 damn degrees outside which might be a little ridiculous for New England which might mean that I got lazy but powered through my indolence to drive back to New England because I might have been in dire need of a Billy bookcase and other Swedish necessities and I might have said fuck it, all of y’all are liars except for NeNe who is just a tad clueless and then when I was about to do a recap I decided to put together the aforementioned Swedish goodness and might have realized that my cat peed in a laundry basket that had some of my jewelry inside of it which might have included a platinum and diamond bracelet from Tiffany and my cat might be locked outside meowing and hissing at me to let him back in and I might be laying here deciding whether or not to let that little pisser back into my home and maybe then decided not to do a recap.

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.

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The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Episode 3 – Unbeweavable

By nopasanada | Published: August 19, 2009

“Well, I’m surprised because last year you thought you guys were twins. You know, twins” – NeNe

Only if you were watching this episode and could hear the inflection and intonation of NeNe’s words that were only thinly veiled by sarcasm would you understand the hilarity of such a sentiment. Because Sheree and Kim did think they were twins last year but during a so-called apology after the former attempted to pull the hair of the latter; it might not be the best time to bring up last year’s Kim and Sheree hey day.

Now can we all recall where we left off? With Kim storming out of the restaurant while the echos of her succinct, “Go fuck yourself, Sheree” reverberated through out the dining room and to the ears of the patrons. Bravo had it all set up with the audience waiting on hind legs like a kid on Christmas morning to see what would surely be an epic battle. Something Middle Earth-esque. Instead what we got was Sheree and Kim screaming at the top of their lungs and then Sheree says, “Oh! I ain’t got no class?! You better wait a minute” and of course she shows off all that class and debutante behavior by grabbing Kim’s hair.

Pull her hair!

Sheree, you are the classiest person I ever done seen.

Even NeNe thought that Sheree would pull Kim’s hair for a second there. Shit, we ALL did. Raise your hand if you were doing the ‘I hope the bitch pulls her weave off dance’? Though Sheree maintains that she didn’t want to pull it off but to “shift it a little”. Because shifting is classier than pulling. Remember that, kids.

NeNe remains utterly shocked at the turn of events.

It just went boom

“Boom” is right, NeNe.

This entire episode had no real flow, rhyme or reason. It was just let’s throw something together that will last a full hour and end on a semi-high note. Though the overwhelming theme of obliviousness was prevalent. I’m confused how so many dumbfounded people live in a 10 mile radius of one another. They always looked shocked as shit.

Kind of like this:

T-Boz finding out about the heifers

Or incredulous like this:

NeNe incredulous

The first photo is of T-Boz. You remember T-Boz right? of T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili? Ok then. She and Kandi are apparently BFF and that is the face she made when she found out just how many baby mamas Kandi’s fiancee has (*cough* FOUR *cough*). It’s actually fun to watch if you’re bored:

T-Boz

T-Boz finding out about the heifers

T-Boz finding out about the baby mamas

And again:

T-Boz

T-Boz finding out about the heifers

T-Boz finding out about the baby mamas.

Fun! Right?

And because the show just kept going off on tangents I’m just going to do a top *8* things that made me go all whiskey tango foxtrot:

Dwight throws himself a birthday party: Not shocking.

Dwight getting ready for his party

Dwight throws himself a birthday party and feels up Kandi: A little shocking.

feeling on kandi's breasts

7) I’m always surprised when production starts and the newest housewife has yet to meet the other housewives. I find it odd but I guess it gives that wee bit of reality that Bravo needs to continue to refer to this as a ‘reality’ television show. So I get it. Kandi meets Sheree for the first time. And Kandi doesn’t drink because she has control issues and doesn’t want to be out somewhere and have someone see her ‘acting a fool’. Sheree then notes how alike she and Kandi are because you know how Sheree is all ‘reserved’ and ‘quiet’.

Here’s Sheree being reserved AND quiet.

Pull her hair!

6) Lisa wants to start a fashion line called ‘Closet Freak’. Sheree finds out and of course she must let the world know that Lisa is no real designer. I mean she is only funding the operation and isn’t actually designing the line herself so obviously she is no designer. And then she emotes self-righeousness. Then she calls up her designer and the person sewing her clothes in New York City.

Self righteous sheree

Pot meet kettle. Neither of you would be contestants on Project Runway. The end.

5) Kim is a total caricature of Kim. Someone asked me last week why I was always hating on Kim and it’s not that I’m hating on her it’s just that she’s so full of shit that it’s hard not to notice. Look! She’s even starting to smell her bullshit herself! Clearly I am not the only one.

Kim gets a whiff

She continues to expect things to just happen with the swipe of her credit card. She doesn’t feel like going to the gym so she pays $3,000 for someone to boil the fat in her ass (her words, not mine). She is of the mindset that she doesn’t have to do anything and the money will just come to her and can sit on her impatient, Chardonnay drinking, ass. Which fine. It’s just gaudy and annoying to watch. But it makes good television and I come back week after week to find out what asinine thing she’ll do today.

4) FOUR BABY MAMAS. FOUR. FOURRRRRR.

T-Boz finding out about the heifers

3) How most people introduce themselves, “Hi, my name is [X]. How are you?” How Sheree’s friend Tania introduces herself to NeNe “I got room to go AND be your size one day”. How Sheree’s friend Tania introduces herself to Lisa “You gotta do something with all of this” as she waves a hand at Lisa’s hair. (Note to all the black people out there: You know she’s just jealous. I mean shit…)

2) NeNe, boo, I love you dearly. But put the girls away. Just for a minute.

NeNe's boobs 1

NeNes boobs 2

1) At my previous job a friend and I would play a game where if you only could choose two things to dip into a chocolate fountain, what would those two things be? If we were being healthy that week it would be bananas and strawberries. If we had just left Five Guys and thinking of Matchbox for dinner the answer would be anywhere from pretzels to pound cake to my entire damn head, that’s what.

Anyway, remember my post of last week when I was debating what to do about my housewarming party? Two words: Chocolate Fountain.

chocolate fountain

Also it will be a stock the bar party and I will send my wish list to my parents. At least I can be classy on the outside, SHEREE.

Pull her hair!

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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Episode 2 – Kim-tervention

By nopasanada | Published: August 11, 2009

In a fit of insomnia induced stupidity I A) lost this entire recap post the other day and B) hey! another recap post because I am just so damn tired, you guys. So enjoy and I promise to have ‘real’ content tomorrow. Tomorrow-ish. And by ‘ish’ I’m thinking by Friday.

“Nothing like a what? A bitch with a gun” – Sheree’s friend Tania

What I neglected to mention last week is that there is a new housewife on the block: Kandi Burruss; a Grammy award winning song writer with the personality of a wet blanket. That personality dig is relative to her fellow cast mates who are always front and center. And then in pops Kandi talking and she keeps talking and I use that time to run to the bathroom right quick, check my email, call my mom. All the woman talks about is her fiancee AJ who has like three baby mamas. Which, while intriguing isn’t nearly as fascinating as weave snatching, you know? So to Kandi Burruss who gets all infuriated and obsessed with The Blogs, this blogger doesn’t care about your man or his super active sperm. Sorry.

Oh Kandi don't cry

Oh, God. Don’t cry. Get in a fight with NeNe, then people might actually care.

To not address The Great Party Planning War of 2009 would be ignoring the elephant in the room. Plain and simple, despite the pure entertainment value of a ‘yo mama’ fight between two adults there is something so very wrong about a man raising his hand to a woman. There’s also something so very wrong about Sheree wanting pity for her foreclosure plight when she wants to have an independence party that involves being brought in via helicopter. Who in foreclosure has money for extravagance? I don’t feel like she survived anything nor do I feel inspired nor do I feel like she suddenly looks good after going through ‘all that she’s been through’ which is roughly the equivalent of a minor hangnail if you want to compare her financial situation to those in the real world (said very slowly so that Sheree can understand actual hardship).

Sheree laughing

Speaking of Sheree because why not? She is getting a gun. I take a deep breath when I write that sentence or re-watch this episode. It has nothing to do with wanting to rain on someone’s second amendment rights parade. If you want to join the NRA then have at it. There’s just something wrong about Sheree with a gun. Especially when at the end of this episode she announces that she wants to beat Kim’s ass. I just throw my head back and say, “Sheree, please don’t shoot anyone”. Not that she would but sometimes I think she isn’t all there in the head and that is what worries me about Sheree. With a gun.

A bitch with a gun

The lady on the right is Tania, a Desert Storm vet who – as my friend KG so eloquently put – could teach me to shoot a gun any day. I think ‘hot’ is the word I’m looking for here.

Look! Sheree’s first kill. Way to be resourceful!

I bet Sheree shot that herself

Sometimes I read these Housewife recaps later and think that it’s one giant jumbled mess of non sequiturs. Only to watch an episode and realize that the show IS one giant jumbled mess of non sequiturs. One minute we’re all focused on why NeNe is hell bent on hashing things out between herself, Sheree, Lisa and Kim and the next Lisa and Ed are talking sex and fertility and Ed apparently has deep conversations with his sperm (“I had a talk with my soldiers and they ready to go to war”). I suppose Bravo splices it this way so that we don’t get all hopped up on talk of weave pulling for a solid hour. Then again I do find Ed and Lisa adorable and charming and they are a nice way to show that there is love in Atlanta. Not all who wander are lost or like to yell in public.

Let's make babies

When Real Housewives began all those years ago I wonder what the producers were expecting? I expected to see what really happened in the life of a wealthy housewife; trips to Bloomingdale’s, personal shoppers, lots of caviar. Though I will hand it to Kim who had her personal shopper/dresser/whatever stop by where she gets to specify what kind of clothing she would like to be seen in; “I wanna be kinda classy, sexy but leave a little to the imagination”.

Kim and her imagination

Imagination FAIL, Kimberly.

Most fortunately though these franchises turn out about as much class as a hooker drinking a 40 in front of her mobile home. Anytime I see one of these women be proper in public I die of shock. And once again there is no exception in this episode. But first a bit of a back story: In case you missed it at the end of last season NeNe and Kim who had been BFFE had a falling out that involved NeNe speaking ill of Kim. Kim found out…of course. Though I bet one of the producers told her about it (Ratings and dolla, dolla bills, y’all). In turn Kim seeks out comfort from Sheree who already hates NeNe over something that happened well before filming started. Lisa gets involved when Kim allegedly goes around town saying that she (Lisa) is on drugs and was in jail. Though I haven’t fully researched these claims at this point it’s total, “keep your friends close and your enemies so close that you can nuzzle their breast”. Because that’s what friends are for.

NeNe and Kim have made up or have they

Now it seems that NeNe really wants to get the women together to hash things out; to clear the air and figure out what was said and by whom. NeNe believes that Kim was speaking ill of her (NeNe) husband Greg – who by the way, reminds me of my daddy in almost every way including that slow southern drawl where it takes an hour to get out five words. So NeNe and Sheree decide to confront Kim and pull and intervention type thing at a restaurant. With a few drinks. In public.

Ladies fighting_3

The amount of cringing I did while this confrontation went down probably wasn’t half as bad as being a patron at this restaurant watching this debacle. These grown women with class and fucking ‘socialites’ as NeNe says pre-’I'm gonna kick her ass’ made a god damn scene in public. That’s all I could say as it happened. You’re in public guys. You’re in public.

Ladies fighting_2
Yup, still in public.

Ladies fighting_1
THIS IS A RESTAURANT! PEOPLE ARE STARING!

Patrons staring
When the water guy is pouring water on the floor instead of in the glass forming a giant puddle at his feet because he’s too busy focusing on what you are YELLING then maybe, just maybe you would decide to remove yourselves from PUBLIC and go outside or anywhere else. But do they? Eventually. When Kim storms out and the yelling…oh God, the yelling…continues on the streets of Atlanta.