Category Archives: Sucks like a vacuum

February

By nopasanada | Published: February 27, 2008

“Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.”" ~Robert Byrne

Everyone had that kid in high school. You know, the one that was teased for being geeky and really short. Of course he eventually grows up and his formerly geeky ways manifest into some sort of genius. And now he’s a millionaire and ready to hand out personalized cans of whoop ass to those who teased him mercilessly for being short. He shows up each year for impromptu reunions, still short but now with his very own yacht and super enhanced ass-kicking mechanism.

February is like that kid. Always and forever short but now prepared to wreak havoc on every poor soul who once uttered how useless and possibly annoying the entire month seems to be. February obviously didn’t stop to think that maybe people have been mean to it because it goes around being all violent and kicking people in the head once a year. Perhaps that is why the average person gives it such a fond farewell: Because it will be gone and no longer around to fuck with anyone’s emotions. It’s like it makes up for it’s size by having a larger than life attitude, full of eye rolling, hands on hips and that stupid neck thing to show that it means business despite it’s diminutive stature.

I tell myself to be nice to it and not to egg it on. If I am kind then maybe it will be kind right back. But nope. Misery loves company and February is a miserable little shit who apparently didn’t get enough love as a child. No wonder that come Friday, I will be celebrating its departure with balloons, sparkly confetti and the brightest god damn streamers this side of the Mississippi. And wine. God forbid I forget the wine.

Also posted in Invierno | 15 Comments

12 minutes after drafting this, I slept for 8 solid hours

By nopasanada | Published: February 20, 2008

“Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.” ~Clifton Fadiman

48 hours after returning from Paris I left for Las Vegas where I proceeded to stay up for 27 hours. The next day I left for San Diego where I slept for four days on a resort. When I returned home from my rampant ‘vacationing’ my body all but called me a dirty whore and retaliated. My body is a vengeful motherfucker and it proved that by rendering me half catatonic and with a case of insomnia so painful that I would sit in bed at night praying to just sleep and promising that I would never, ever again travel to three different time zones in less than a week. I waved the proverbial white flag and cried Uncle and my body stopped threatening me and allowed me to sleep. And all was well.

At some point in the last two months, I have apparently done something else to piss off the workings of my internal clock. Though in my defense it seems that my body is a bit temperamental and a little evil. My sleep as of late has been for shit. And that would be putting it nicely, as I’ve been regularly hurling epithets toward my body clock. I just want to sleep at a normal hour and then wake up at a normal hour to go to the gym without feeling like there are rocks in my head as opposed to actual brain matter. Have you ever tried to talk to people when keeping your eyelids open and standing upright feels like scaling Kilimanjaro? Sorry, scaling Kilimanjaro barefoot and naked. To put it bluntly: This shit sucks.

BlogHer has been doing a ‘Letter to my body’ initiative, which I’ve been reluctant to do because mine would read:

Dear Body,

HOLY MOTHERFUCKER. LET ME SLEEP.

Love,
HB

The other version would read:

Dear Body,

It’s really great that I have PMS to make me bloated. I’m also happy I’ve lost a few pounds in my ass so none of my pants fit. This makes for some good times around my mid-section as I hike up my pants to my navel and then puff my stomach out in order to keep from showing off my ass-crack. Keep up the good work and just for you, I’ll buy a smaller belt. Finally.

Love,
HB

Posted in Sucks like a vacuum | 15 Comments

Anatomy of a dumbass

By nopasanada | Published: January 29, 2008

“You’re so nice and you’re so smart. You’re such a good friend I have to break your heart. I’ll tell you that I love you then I’ll tear your world apart. Just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart” – Kimya Dawson

This morning I went to a breakfast meeting and proceeded to shake hands and smile at elected officials in between sneezing fits. I am not a quiet sneezer. This is not a mere ‘achoo’ easily covered with a lace hanky. It’s a full-blown sneeze that I can feel rattling in my chest and forces me to convulse and then do a little shake afterwards as my brain settles back into place. Since they occur so rarely, I notice the particulars. Times and dates and the way I feel so jarred immediately after. I then become ensconced in every drip from my nose or blocked ear canal. In between the sneezes, I’m yelling HUH and wiping tears from my eyes. This all goes against my standard proclamations that I NEVER get sick. Nope. Never. But when I do get sick, it’s the real deal and a minor cold turns into the fucking rotovirus and suddenly I can see what I ate last week for lunch in a puke bucket. TMI maybe? If you think I’m bad when healthy imagine me curled up in the fetal position on my bed announcing that I’m dying. No DYYYYYYYING. Thankfully, the bonus to working down the hall from your mother is that in times of illness, is that it’s a quick walk to complain and flail about and tell her to make you feel better because the death of her first born is imminent. To see the look on my face, she must realize that the grim reaper is knocking on my door, ready to take me away. Her first born isn’t dramatic either. Not in the least.

The quote above has nothing to do with my current illness but everything to do with the severe amount of stress and drama that I’ve been dealing with as of late. Needless to say, things aren’t going well and so while I’m suffering from SARS, I’m also suffering from feeling very deeply hurt right now. And for that, I really have no words.

On that note, you pretty people, with your stellar immune systems, have a wonderful rest of the week. I am going to be in my bed appreciating the joy that is clear mascara and puffs plus with lotion.

Posted in Sucks like a vacuum | 36 Comments

The bane of my existence

By nopasanada | Published: December 13, 2007

“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’” ~Robert Byrne

I got absolutely nothing done today. Every time I would open an email or clean off my desk or reach down to grab a pair of sandals that were still under my desk from like July; I would casually look outside and my chest would start heaving at the sight of the snow. There is a very funny thought in the minds of others that because I live and am from Upstate NY then of course I can handle driving in snow. Do I have experience watching others drive in snow? Yes, yes I do. Do I have experience driving myself 10 miles in roughly six inches of snow with fattest, fluffiest, most blindingly white flakes known to man? No, no I do not. Hence the white knuckled driving and need to take deep breaths and the panicked phone calls to my parents apprising them of the seven whole dollars in my bank account that they could totally have in the event of my untimely death.

If you ever want to become religious, drive in snow. You’ll start believing in God real quick when driving through snow as you think of things to ask for forgiveness on in exchange for making it two more miles. Today it was forgiveness for that time I called my middle school librarian a ‘fucking bitch’ and the time I stole a pack of lifesavers from Hannaford.

Also posted in Invierno, This side of the Hudson | 16 Comments

What I didn’t say

By nopasanada | Published: November 29, 2007

“Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.” ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

On Friday a family friend’s 17 year old son died in a car accident. One of those accidents that is played and replayed on some loop by stations around the area, analyzing and updating to the point where on the third day of seeing the story in the A-section of the paper, I threw the entire paper in the garbage in a fit of anger and annoyance because all I could think of was his mother.

His wake was earlier this week and when my mother mentioned going I promptly ignored the emails and her phone call with the trepidation usually reserved for meeting new people or being pulled into a closed door meeting with a boss. I hate wakes with the burning passion of a thousand blazing suns. I would rather be on a life long diet of cottage cheese and cooked carrots, my two most hated things, rather than go to a wake. But of course I attend, I always attend because it’s one of those times that no one really gives a shit about my intense fear of a dead person being a few feet away from me because it isn’t about what I want or don’t want to do. It’s about being there and supportive and feigning understanding even when I know that I would give my left arm not to experience that type of emotional pain.

A wake is the time when my social awkwardness comes out in full force and I literally have nothing to say, because what is there to say? The mother hugged me and I said nothing. The siblings smiled at me and I smiled back. The grandfather said “It was nice meeting you” and thanked me for coming and I mumbled a “You’re welcome” and gave a weak smile why he was welcoming. I feel like a simple I’m sorry is too trite and saying ‘My prayers are with you’ sounds fake and like I’m forcing it.

I don’t know what to say without sounding like a complete asshole but I figure that I can’t be that much of an asshole because I was there and that probably means more than anything.

Also posted in Socially Awkward Barbie™ | 26 Comments