Category Archives: Sucks like a vacuum

“I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.” – The Wonder Years

When The Break-Up came out I remember asking a friend of mine the requisite questions that would determine whether or not I should really spend the GDP of Djibouti on a movie. Her response was that it was funny and “realistic of a real break up” in that both sides found no issue in stopping at nothing to prove their former significant other wrong, to get back at the other side and to be as stubborn as possible while doing so. My response was dubious at best, for why would anyone want to drag out a break up? Why fight the inevitable? And what the hell kind of relationships are people in where when the end comes they aren’t doing a jig and smoking a peace pipe when it’s all over? There has never been a relationship that has ended when I haven’t fallen on my knees to thank God because why must you dip your fries in mayonnaise and chew with your mouth open? WHY?

(The mayonnaise dipper is married to someone else now. Once again; thank God!)

In my mind it bared close resemblance in absurdity to people who when asked about their relationships could only reply that it was ‘complicated’. The hell? What is complicated? You are either in a relationship with someone or you are not. And you can bet your pretty ass that the person that you are all ‘it’s complicated’ over is pretty damn sure one-way or the other as to the state of your relationship so the complication is probably in your mind.

I like for most things to be pretty clear-cut as it saves me from having to deal with endless piles of bullshit. Of course I believe that many things have a gray area but for the most part quick and dry would be my preferred way of dealing with situations. So when I found myself on the other side, the side when I could go back and forth for weeks on end spewing vitriol and only being able to refer to a relationship as ridiculously complicated, annoyingly so, well then I felt like an ass. I felt like an ass for rolling my eyes or questioning why a friend would and could feel so strongly about something that was torpedoing towards demise. I felt like an ass for not even trying to be understanding because there is no way to understand a situation involving the intricacies of a relationship until you find yourself in the throes of its ending while crying into dairy products. In the last several months and weeks no milkshake or caffeine laced frappuccino has been left unscathed.

Having seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall over the weekend and watching poor Peter Bretter get over the titular character while being a poor schmuck pining away and crying, I kind of get it. Because I am totally that girl who has had numerous crying jags over the smallest things. There have been evenings when I’ve been at my most pathetic and drinking anything and everything in the house because what else would all that leftover brandy from eggnog making be staring at me for? It wants for me to partake even if it is through annoying tears of pain; the pain of allowing exactly one person determine exactly how well my day would go. Of course in hindsight I’m in a lot less pain and instead there’s anger for allowing myself to get to a point where I’m feeling so utterly shitty because of ONE person. I very recently said that I am not a crier – honestly – and if I do cry it isn’t over the opposite sex it’s because of a death or because there is no more vodka left, but never over a male. That is when a friend told me that while I probably don’t cry over men, it is entirely possible to cry over love. And with that I cried some more.

Keeping most of this trauma inside has been a lot more difficult than I thought but I had to because it’s not just about me. There is an entire other person who has been hurt and upset and for every instance that I can point out his harsh behavior he can point to that time I threw a tantrum in the middle of Farragut West (Tourists! Come to DC to see the White House and the crazy, screaming lunatic!). I also needed to go through all that has occurred while wondering if this could really been my life. Unfortunately it has been my life and probably something that was inevitable that I go through: Heartache. Though not complete unrequited love. In fact if it were unrequited love I am sure that my life would be easier right now. And that I wouldn’t get out of bed only to get back in it 15 minutes later because the tears! Anyway this shit hurts. It’s an indescribable pain that probably will not cause irreparable harm and yet the last month has been one of the most painful things that have occurred in my short little life. Right up there with my sophomore year when I found out the hard way that I was severely depressed except this time there is no medical reason or diagnosis. Nothing makes heartache go away except for time. TIME. Not xanax not vodka not several shots of patron and a pitcher (or three) of margaritas but time. (The proper response here would be: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck)

A few years ago a friend of mine had a particularly bad break up and then came to visit me in Spain. She made me stay with her in her hostel because she didn’t want to be alone. I rolled my eyes but obliged. In the middle of the night she was still pining away and questioning her decision for a break up and complete separation and I remained silent while thinking “get the hell over it already”. It had been like three days. She told me that I didn’t understand because I couldn’t understand. Of course she was right and now that I do understand I really wish I couldn’t.