Archive for the 'Straight Jacket' Category
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April 25, 2007 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Straight Jacket
“A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.” ~Harry Truman
I’m queen of the half stories. The stories that there are to tell that maybe I can tell at a later date but just cannot right now. Regardless, I have to look at the little things as fucking awesome. El madre threw a kick ass party at Love that involved an open bar with top shelf vodka and my new coworkers who I know that I will grow to love.
It’s just a lot right now. I’m overwhelmed by several different things all trying to diverge right at my frontal lobe. I fear an implosion of infinite proportions and yet I’ve managed to stay steadfast and not spew brain bits all over my bay windows.
Last week, I ran one of my final errands to the Social Security office to obtain a new card. An office that is in the HOOD and involved different groups of people taking a number. Some were there for hours I was there for exactly one hour, which involved a screaming tiny baby and an old blind man who didn’t bring a single piece of identification. Though I came prepared and today in the mail, just days later, came my new social security card. So! I am now an actual US citizen that doesn’t have solely use a passport to prove that I was born in Albany. But really, who the fuck would lie about such a thing? That’s like pretending to be born in Scranton.
In addition to the new Social Security card came my Employee tax ID number, which means that I can freelance my way through life without fearing paying $10,000 to the IRS as well as my tax refund of like $10 , a coupon to Bed, Bath and Beyond and The Queen. Which means that I get to stare at Helen Mirren for as long as I’d like and that is the true source of my happiness.
There comes to a point where you just take what you can get. Life is hard and it fucking sucks so god damn much some days to the point where you wonder if all of this is really truly possible. So you allow yourself to relish the little things: a refund, a DVD, a form of identification. For those are the only things that can keep you going. It’s just realizing, way deep down inside, where you think there is absolutely nothing left, that there is a little glimmer of hope. Even if it is just worth a few dollars, it’s something.
Posted by nopasanada @ 11:03 pm | 5 Comments
Just keeps getting better
April 24, 2007 | Filed under: Straight Jacket
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.” – Bridget Jones
One would think that after giving notice, then one would be able to relax and enjoy semi-retirement. Froclicking about of course and possibly planning impromptu trips to Paris. Because I’m sure that’s what you think that I have been doing. Sitting on my ass, enjoying cake love for the last time ever and maybe quickly diminishing my Netflix queue.
But no.
Schnozz is going to read this and beat the ever loving shit out of me, because 2007 is the year of the other shoe dropping and I can’t tell you what kind of shoe it is! Just when things get AWESOME! And GREAT! And I emphasize things with exclamation points and capital letters, something shitty happens. Like there are multiple things that I’m excited to do and I just finished this big giant freelance project that was fun and I was genuinely excited about. Then BOOM! While I’m riding this high of a new job that I’m beyond ecstatic for and party planning and other things, the other shoe drops.
It’s like the story of my life: one thing goes well and so another must go to shit because woe is always me. The sad part is that for once, I’m not being melodramatic.
In other news, I’m not a list maker. In fact I think lists kind of suck. But OH MY HELL…I have been listing away as of late. I get a little giddy each time I can cross something off. So you know, in that regard, life is good.
Posted by nopasanada @ 5:15 pm | 6 Comments
What would you say?
April 9, 2007 | Filed under: Humdrum, Straight Jacket
“I’ll tell you in another life, when we’re both cats” – Vanilla Sky
Though I doubt I should have to explain myself, like ever, I feel the need to acquiesce to my gut and reiterate that I do not believe everything that Oprah says. I do not necessarily believe the aforementioned statistic. If I did believe such drivel then the title of my previous post would have been “Oh my fucking hell”. I would’ve been less jovial and unable to write three coherent words together let alone four entire paragraphs. I also would have swallowed my tongue, drank myself into a stupor, cried a bit, frozen my eggs and found a sperm donor all before writing Part #457 of the stupid shit that Oprah says. Or better yet, Part #457 of the stupid shit that Oprah’s production staff feeds to her and perhaps those women are feeling lonely in their powerful positions and University of Chicago degrees and so why not pass off their depressing statistics to the masses? That way all can partake in the joys of permanent celibacy.
I should probably stop going on these bitter tirades because in the end I seem so rancorous but I cannot because the neurons going from my brain to my fingers say otherwise. And yet thinking of how things have been going as of late, I suppose there are things that I wouldn’t dare write less incur the wrath of all those around me. So I step back and then skirt around the issue, which manifests itself into a myriad of crap ass half stories. Which begs not one but two questions: 1) Why can’t I stop with crap ass half stories but instead must go for the crap ass half segues? 2) What won’t you ever write about?
Posted by nopasanada @ 7:32 pm | 12 Comments
Par for the course
March 25, 2007 | Filed under: Gruyere With That Wine, Straight Jacket, The District Of Columbia
“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” ~Mark Twain
To say that I’ve been in a bad, bad mood as of late would be like saying that today is March 25th, 2007 and it is quite sunny: Stating the fucking obvious. Though I feel I’m preternaturally laden with an awful attitude, I can usually just get over it, but I find that increasingly difficult to do while systematically having your soul sucked out of you for eight weeks straight. Hell, I’m surprised I still have the ability to FEEL without crumbling into a heap of ash and dust.
“But, Heather, why don’t you do anything to make yourself feel better and change the fact that you spent an inordinate amount of time wishing you could remove your eyeballs with a rusty, tetanus riddled spoon?”
Well, hell, why hadn’t I thought of that really easy and simple solution? Or perhaps, I have thought of that really easy and simple solution and yet the ease and simplicity are greatly lacking. Which leaves me to wonder if it’s just me and something I’m doing wrong or maybe I just don’t deserve it. I do not know.
What I do know is that going to bed two nights in a row at 7:30PM only to wake up at 8 AM and lay in bed because I am tired strikes me as somewhat of a problem and inhibiting on any life that involves walking out of my front door and maybe I should just stay in and watch more Borat. Though when I did walk out of my front door yesterday afternoon, with the clouds and the rain and the man who tried to run me over with his Hummer, I complained that it was too bright. Did I mention the clouds and the rain??
Like I said, I’ve been surly at best.
All of this suffering has led me to believe that a) Maybe it’s a sign that it’s high time that I do actually find out what real suffering is about, b) Maybe I should try harder but dude, the trying is getting a little frustrating and vexing C) that I deserve a little something – that isn’t fermented – to ease the pain.
Posted by nopasanada @ 9:55 am | 8 Comments
Reason #357 for self medication
March 8, 2007 | Filed under: Humdrum, Straight Jacket
“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” ~Brendan Francis
I’m sure that when I announced that I was leaving on a jet plane yesterday, you all assumed that it was to somewhere fabulous. Alas it was only a night in Albany. During which I indulged in Fridays and Friendly’s, because that’s just how I roll.
Returning home just now, I decided to try on a brand new dress from Anthropologie. My rule when dealing with my body, is quite simple: If I can wear clothing from Anthropologie with ease, then it’s all good. The end.
I began glancing at myself in the mirror. Sticking my hands in the side pockets and twirling. When out of the corner of my eye….and I’m loathe to write this…I see a dark spot on a sticky mouse trap in the corner of my closet. I step closer, over the massive pile of clean clothing and there they are. THEY. THEY. THEY. TWO WHOLE MICE.
Just laying there. In the fetal position. One probably got caught and then the other probably came to save its best friend. Which makes me revisit that whole being there for my nearest and dearest thing. One could die in the process.
In lieu of actually picking up the trap with the advised three plastic bags and a broom theory (courtesy of my brother and my pal), I’m sitting here with a rum and coke. Two and half shots of rum to be exact. I’m partly sad for the little critters and partly disgusted beyond belief that they are laying in my closet just dead. And I’m in a fleece and my dress and some Uggs.
Suddenly I remember the quick effect that rum and coke has. It’s powers are magical and I almost don’t remember the reasons for why I stopped partaking in the rum. But I’m sure I will in the morning.
Speaking of drinking and uh randomness….Shamrock Fest this weekend! DJ AM, Carbon Leaf, Flogging Molly at RFK and me drunk and busting out the Irish in me while retelling this story! People, y’all don’t even know the debauchery and fun that is about to ensue.
I promise more fun and excitement than mice in a closet.
Posted by nopasanada @ 8:06 pm | 16 Comments
