Category Archives: Socially Awkward Barbie™

Evolution

By nopasanada | Published: June 22, 2011

“You cannot help but learn more as you take the world into your hands.  Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it.”  ~John Updike

Thanks be to other outside forces, I popped a klonopin prior to opening this document. Klonopin being a drug in the benzodiazepene family used most commonly for treating anxiety and panic disorders and as a secondary treatment to epilepsy. Then again, there is nothing like the look on your pharmacists face when you get your monthly refill of psychotropic drugs. They speak to you in hushed tones as if I fell on the “psychosis” side of things, ready to burn this mother fucker (a CVS in a tiny town in Upstate NY) down. In turn I speak in normal tones to say, “dude, it’s ok. I promise not to lose my shit up in here. Drugs please”. And so goes life when you’re felled by severe anxiety over any and everything.

I bring this up because long-time readers of the site know that I am fearful of change. If I could preserve the status quo, forever and ever, I’d be ok with that. I’m sure ‘stagnation’ was the first thing Thomas More thought of when he came up with Utopia. Change brings out a shock to my system and on top of change is it’s evil twin Different and their cousin New. No. No. And another emphatic no. It brings out the worst in my rather frail mental state. It’s the reason for why I attend events and spend the first hour(s) standing behind a fake tree pretending to be super important while scrolling. I now have a blackberry and an iPhone. I look like the world’s most pretentious douchebag but at least I won’t have to form sentences in front of strangers.

Do I wish that I wasn’t like this? Of course. My job and my livliehood both depend on my ability to interact successfully with people in a variety of situations. This career path that I have chosen for myself means facing these fears each and everyday. Hence the medication and need to sit out at times just to regroup. I take deep breaths and as if I’m participating in a game of double-dutch, I jump back in. Following the rhythm though cautiously, I’m still in there until the movements come to me and I’m able to move a little bit more freely.

In the next two weeks I’m headed to Chicago and then Utah for conferences that are completely different but depict the two very different sides of my life. Though I still refer to one side as “real life” as if the social media/blogging/writing/non-stop tweeting side of my life is fake. Alas when either side pinches I feel it. I am thrilled to be headed to Utah. It will be my first trip there even though I’ve been dying and promising to go for years. My first concern being that there are no black people there. I mean the last black person there might have been Karl Malone circa the early 1990′s. And one friend acknowledged that quite honestly. “We’re not really diverse. But you’ll like it”. So there’s that also given that I recently survived two weeks in New Hampshire, I think I can handle Utah. Other friends and varied cohorts will be at the EVO conference as well. Despite knowing that I’ll know people there I am still a little on the nervous side because of The New. What if these women hate me? Or find me uninteresting and boring and oh my God, they fell asleep mid-conversation. What if?

Then again new is what I am currently craving. Isn’t that odd? I want a change and different and smaller and to see what other smart people are up to. I’m looking forward to this adventure where I have no agenda other than being able to experience the unfamiliar. Sometimes you need to push yourself towards what makes you uncomfortable. That’s where I have always been able to find myself at my best.

If you’re headed to EVO ’11 please feel free to say hello.

Also posted in That's Life | 4 Comments

Hey there. It’s me.

By nopasanada | Published: July 30, 2010

“I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.”  ~Shirley MacLaine

This is me. I’m tall-ish and chubby-ish. I am also full of anxiety and hugs and will never turn down a glass of wine. Years ago during a BlogHer conference I spent an evening in my room crying. It was the same year that someone asked why I was even there for I was only another blogger’s babysitter. Then there was the year where once again someone made a comment about my being someone’s babysitter which was the same year that someone was terrified of saying hello to me and then wrote about it later and then I got upset and it did not go well. I am no longer anyone’s babysitter.

I wear a lot of dresses and I have giant hair. And I am such a dork that even my own brothers don’t want to be seen out in public with me. In fact I am currently trying to bribe my youngest brother into going to the movies. Let’s see…what else? I am terrified of crowds but since I make a living from being in public and talking to people, I can’t go around looking petrified. Thank God there are drugs to help with that one. I like cupcakes and one-on-one conversation. Don’t mention congress or else I’ll go into a very long diatribe about cloture votes. I think I’m pretty awesome.

And did I mention the wine?

If you see me next week please say hi. Try to ignore my ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look.

Also posted in BlogHer | 14 Comments

This is for my people. My party people.

By nopasanada | Published: June 13, 2010

“Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity: it must be produced and discharged and used up in order to exist at all.”  ~William Faulkner

Way back in February – you remember February don’t you? With the cold and the ice weasels? – well way back then I went to Houston for three days. Three days in a room with Susan surrounded by women I have since….gosh, forever. Except here’s the funny part, the part where you can understand my pill popping ways: The first day we ordered bottles of champagne by the pool and slowly people that have always just been there appeared. Susan and I got pedicures at the spa and then got dressed for a Mad Men themed party. We went downstairs and started to mingle and instead of hugging and kissing it was as if I didn’t belong. Here I was in front of these Forever People and yet I couldn’t stand being there. I was there physically but mentally couldn’t help but feel as if I wasn’t wanted there. Like ‘they’ didn’t like me. I lost the ability to speak to others and a lump formed in my throat so I ran back upstairs. I tweeted something about being around all of these people I’ve known for years and yet feeling like complete awkward shit. I stared at myself in the full length mirror, shook my head and went back downstairs.

Everything else is a blur. A chaotic mess of wonderful memory. Where I had more fun than is legal and I laughed. Oh, how I laughed and enjoyed a tasting menu and hugged and whispered and talked about what was fun. And my God, I was inspired. During the keynote featuring Heather, Maggie and Gabby I tweeted, “This keynote is making me smarter” and later “I love seeing smart women do great things”. It was all better than good and I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to write about Houston or the ideas that I left with. Probably life getting in the way. Not enough time to really process. But four months have passed and I’ve processed and percolated. And now I sigh. I got comfortable. I don’t know why I was so nervous because those women there? The ones brimming with brilliance? They’re my people. Now can we do that again?

Mom 2.0

Mom 2.0

Lindsay

Also posted in Blogology, Grace in Small Things | 6 Comments

In Real Life

By nopasanada | Published: June 15, 2009

“Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk.  When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling. ” ~George Gordon Byron


It was during my 2006 trip to BlogHer when I made it known that if I knew you prior to flying across the country then I would attach myself to your ass for the duration of the trip. And because my dear Amy – who I was once upon a time afraid of – was attending I welcomed myself to her left shoulder and made her drag me around introducing me to people who would never remember my name. Like Tracey and Y. You know, those people who still are unaware of my existence. My favorite part, the part that I have relayed to others time and time again now because it’s funny then because I think I used the phrase “…punch a motherfucker” after this occured; is when some found out that I was Amy’s baby sitter and then requested to know why Amy would bring her baby sitter to a conference. But ‘Baby Sitter’ was said in a tone like I didn’t belong and/or had no other profession except for baby sitting and/or might have some venereal disease.



Let it be known that unless someone looks at you like you’re the help and then announces it to the world, then I promise that you will have a far better time at BlogHer than I did that year.
***



It is a truth not so universally acknowledged by anyone except for myself that I am not a people person. There is this comfort I get being in close quarters and in deep conversation with one to five people. It’s like my own version of a snuggie. When I’m tossed into a room with 156 people I carry a paper bag in my back pocket and a stash of Klonopin in my front. It’s the only way for me to stay level and not run heading for the hills or in a drunken stupor licking someone or smacking somone’s ass because I’m too drunk due to anxiety. In the immortal words of Heather Armstrong “Be ye not so stupid”.
***



1) Do not get drunk and dance on a table in front of 950 people with DSLRs would be my first and most important rule of attending BlogHer. BlogHer is not Fight Club. People will talk about that shit and next thing you know there’s a photo of you on Flickr flashing the world. Don’t be that girl.



2) It’s okay to part with your laptop. I get it. Yours is new and pretty and the battery lasts for 39 hours but I also am a fan of my shoulders and there’s really never any need for carrying one around at all times. I can tell you now exactly what I’ll be carrying: My havana hobo or wyeth bag, camera, business cards, sweater, maybe a flask depending on how my trip to Philly right before goes, my red moleskine and my Great Big Book of Ideas, my iPhone, lip gloss.



3) Dress like you would any other day of the week. There’s a lot of hand wringing and hyperventilating that goes on when a bunch of women get together. Notice how you never hear of men worrying about the state of their nails, eyebrows, hair or if their ass looks fat in a particular pair of jeans? But women. My God. And I’m counting myself in the bunch we care. Hell, I’m already worried about how much hair product I’ll be able to smuggle on the plane but if you saw my hair in its natural state and the way it walks into a room by itself, you’d want something to tame it down as well. But clothing wise – and be on the look out for a very special series on BeautyHacks on this – bring what you would normally wear. I bring 15 jersey knit dresses from JCrew because I own 15 jersey knit dresses from JCrew and that is what I wear all of the time. Bring shoes that are comfy but cute for shopping and conferencing and I strongly suggest cardigans. A lady can never have too many cardigans. Just be yourself.



4) At some point you will see someone you love/admire/have always wanted to stalk here is what you should do this based on personal experience and after a few unpleasant experiences last summer: Go up and talk to that person. Put your hand out, tap them on the shoulder, whatever but say hi. If you catch me in a good mood, I’ll probably hug you. If you catch me in a bad mood point me in the direction of the bar and then we’ll be new BFFs. People are just people. Bloggers do not possess magic, super powers that makes them holier than thou so really if you want to say hi, say hi.



a) You should have business cards. Always have business cards. Business cards should/can include the following: Name, site, URL, email (optional, twitter, other sites you write, a little about yourself).
I’ve seen pretty inventive things like condom lollipops and tampons. Have fun with it and you want it to be memorable.



5) There will be parties and there is a comprehensive list right here. As far as I know all of the parties on that list are open to all and anyone. Let’s say that there is a party that you want to attend I’m sure someone will drag you along but I’m saying this as nicely as possible: Who gives a flying fuck if you weren’t invited to a party? Really. Don’t worry about it and if you weren’t invited then start your own.



6) Some just like to party others like to learn and then there are the others who through some divine miracle can party like a rockstar and be up at 7 AM the following morning for yoga and a jog around the lake. I like to do a little bit of both; I like to mingle and I actually enjoy attending the sessions. It depends on what you feel comfortable with. Sometimes it’s just nice to relax and have a conversation on branding your blog with two people as opposed to two hundred. There is always someone or something going on to keep you from the madness if you need to get away (Example: The Shutter Suite) The agenda is here. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing just worry about making good use of your time out there participating in as much or as little as you’d like. And if you get



7) If you’re looking for me I’ll be in my room while Kelly drags me out by my hair and tells me to get my ass in gear. If I’m not in my room I’ll be standing in a little clump with Susan and Chris trying not to cry because THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE. But that’s a good thing right? It’s fun to see something grow and adapt to different groups of women. I’m not saying that because they pay me and I’m so broke that I’m contemplating prostitution but because I do believe in what BlogHer is doing. They have put on a better conference than the last year after year and I cannot wait to bogart some drink tickets and take in Chicago once again.



8) Though not two paragraphs ago I said not to worry about what others are doing I will say that it’s always nice to have a buddy. A go to type person who you know you can call and count on to hang out with you when you’re feeling like no one knows who you are and you will be all alone at every party but you weren’t even invited to parties and p.s. everyone hates you. No one hates you but it’s nice to have someone to reassure you that you are not crappiest person on Earth. I love having a buddy. Leah and Sarah (and Susan and Chris, duh) make excellent BlogHer buddies.



9) Have fun. Really. Please, for me and the baby Jesus, have fun.
Also posted in BlogHer, Blogology | Tagged , , | 23 Comments

Stuff. ‘Nuff said.

By nopasanada | Published: June 2, 2009

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.”  ~Danny Kaye

Earlier today I became thoroughly and shockingly annoyed over the apathy of others. I demanded response and some sort of commentary to a new Obama administration appointment and instead no one shared the joy, wonder, curiosity and overwhelming amount of giddiness that erupted upon hearing of a thisclose vacancy in the United States House. As much as I dislike apathy towards politics I find my reaction to the apathy a bit deplorable. Who am I to be judgemental and tell people that they should care about Sonia Sotomayor or John McHugh? Why should I be the one to tell others that how a presidential candidate feels about a woman’s right to choose or Plessy v. Ferguson will end up impacting generations? That isn’t my job and yet the way it maddened me today. It was so…well…it was unnecessary. And I totally take back when I said – behind your back – that if Neil Patrick Harris was giving someone a blow job on my bed then you would care more than who Obama was appointing to very high powered positions. I’m sorry.

***

On Sunday evening – pre the day of self righteous bitch ass behavior – I burned three of my fingers on my right hand. I burned them after I put METAL into the microwave so I could make tea because I couldn’t find my normal tea making accouterments. So there I was grabbing hot metal, fleshy fingers first out of the microwave. Good news is that in the event that I commit a serious felony I have no finger prints. Bad news is that I’m using the hunt and peck method when it comes to typing. There’s also a ruined manicure and my father was rather disappointed by my Vulcan salute because my fingers are so effed up that I can’t tell anyone to ‘live long and prosper’ with the proper enthusiasm.

***

I think I’ve spent the last three weeks without telling you that I’ve started writing at MamaPop again. I’m…and I’m loathe to admit this so I’m taking deep breaths but it’s not nearly as bad as Holly crying during Speidi’s wedding so I really shouldn’t care…..I’m doing recaps of The Real Housewives of New Jersey(1, 2, 3). And I fucking love it more than is appropriate. Especially that Caroline. The Carmela Soprano of the group who will fuck a bitch up in a minute.

***

I leave for DC again next week. I’ll have to update my suggestions but that is the least of my worries right now. I keep flipping through my paper planner to July and then I flip back. I then I look at July again and then I flip back. Rinse and repeat. It’s because I need a Klonopin every time I think of July. The running around and the multiple experiences with TSA and how I’m going to pack and the number of tattoos I will be getting and suddenly I’m awake at 2:30AM thinking about standing by myself at BlogHer because EVERYONE HATES ME.

***

Last night I lived my worst fear: I saw my therapist at the bar. I’m not really supposed to be drinking. We pretended not to know each other. Let’s just say I’ll have some ‘splaining to do about that goblet full of (shitty) Meritage.

***

I’m posting now in hopes that tomorrow comes sooner. I’m awaiting a special package at the suggestion of Karen and OMFG I cannot wait to show you guys and also I owe Karen a kiss. And this chick needs some practice like whoa.

Also posted in Oh The Stupidity You'll See, Strait-jacket, The object of my obsession | 7 Comments