Archive for the 'Listy' Category

Time Traveling Bunnies

June 3, 2008 | Filed under: BlogHer, Blogology, Listy

“My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.” ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Though I am practically genetically predisposed to not be able to write quick and concise paragraphs and/or sentences, I am going to try and go against the grain and my DNA to write a list. For the record I wish y’all could so the lists I write. They aren’t lists so much as they are very long diatribes on what I should do, how it should be done, when I should do it and my precise thoughts on why it needs to be done. Sometimes they are even annotated with cute little footnotes and alway, always, always in MLA format.

1) The other day I told Susan that I didn’t want to go to San Francisco. She didn’t seem all that concerned because she probably sensed I was talking out of my ass and that if I was serious she would have Chris drag my ass from Albany to SFO if it killed me. And then Leah, Simon and Angella would force me to drink champagne and chain me to the hot tub. Then Whoorl would be all “YOU WILL DRINK AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR ELSE I WILL FORCE YOU TO SPEND 36 HOURS ALONE WITH MY 2 YEAR OLD!” Fear not, I am going to San Francisco but I’m having a stupid ass blogging crisis and I’ve never actually had one before. So what am I to do? How am I to proceed? Suggestions more than welcome.

2) I’ve magically turned into one of those people who really fucking enjoys running. I mean REALLY. I mean the other day on the plane down to Baltimore I kept thinking about the great run I would have on Capitol Hill this morning. And I did. I used to be in the running is not something you do unless trying to get away from something, like a clown or a hyena, not something you do for the pure hell of it. But I seem to be wrong. Next thing you know I’m going to be all “Hot damn, that John McCain sure is swell!”

3) Saturday night I was tanked and at a black tie event in gold hooker heels with bright red nail polish. By Sunday afternoon I was sailing and jumping off the boat into the bay of the Susquehanna River. Such is life these days; I never know where I’m going to end up next.

4) A question I’ve seen floating around that I, too, have wanted answered: When y’all comment, you know that I read them right??? Because I do. I just don’t respond to every comment because while I am pretending to be good at the wit, I am just not so good. All of my responses would be “Awesome! Thanks!” How do we feel about this current system? Or could you really not give two shits and you’d much rather me talk about how much I hate Viognier but would roll around in a tub full of Riesling?

5) My mother WILL be guest posting again. She even went so far as to go and read the comments from her post while she was in Martha’s Vineyard. The only thing she does in Martha’s Vineyard is sit on her porch swing and go swimming at the ass crack of dawn. She does NOT use a laptop. That’s how strong her love is for you all. So for those who have asked over and over and over again; yes, she will be posting again.

6) The title of this post has been tickling me since Ben said it to Locke the other night on LOST. Then I got completely mind-fucked and now it’s been all of five days and do you people know how long it is until January??? JANUARY. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do until then except count the hairs on my ever present unibrow. The other option would be to weep silently and drink. But I think I do enough of that as it is.

7) Elisa asked if I would be on the BlogHer Community Keynote Committee. And I was like “I mean, I guess” while twirling my hair and rolling my eyes and acting like a forlorn teenager. In all seriousness, this is the brain child of the lovely Mrs. Kennedy and it’s an awesome (see? there I go with that word again) idea. In sum; it’s a BlogHer open mic, where people read their favorite entries. So, I strongly suggest reading this post and then going forth and sharing. Because sharing means caring and I am a very delicate flower these days so please do something, anything to make me happy.

8 ) Yesterday while I was in the throes of telling the Internet that maybe things aren’t working out and perhaps it can bite me, Y sent me a photo from the famed Cheeseburger Party last year in Chicago. She told me that she loves me and I got a little misty eyed and so here we are today.

Boy Howdy

March 7, 2008 | Filed under: Listy, Whoopdie Doo

“I’ve got nothing to do today but smile” - Simon & Garfunkel

1) Way out west: I like Austin. Granted it has been approximately 12 hours but if my suspicions are accurate, I have a feeling that one of my parents or my boss is going to have to physically retrieve me from Texas. It’s probably another stupid ‘feeling’ and I’m even mocking myself by rolling my eyes and doing air quotes but I do believe that I will love Austin, its inhabitants and the Whole Foods that is the size of a Super Target. If you are looking for me today, I’ll be the one running back and forth between Whole Foods and Anthropologie, with a margarita in my hand looking frantic and sputtering because I cannot believe my luck.

2) Blue Cross - Blue Kick Me in the Ass: I am not a hypochondriac by any means but as of late I’ve been coming down with strep, the flu and I figured that since BCBS already has my proverbial balls in a vice, I should tack on a trip to the dermatologist because I have nothing better to do than deal with a severe nickel allergy. If you were allergic to the little metal piece on the inside of your pants, then you would be in a chronically pissy mood as well.

3) BFFE: The hits just keep on coming lately and my fun filled week of not wanting to go up and shove people just for being in my space will be capped off with one of my nearest and dearest coming to Upstate, NY to visit. Before I lived in NY I wouldn’t come home unless one of my parents paid for it, that’s how much I hated being there. So what is the proper gift to give someone that is coming here for an evening just to hang out with me? I’m thinking something in platinum or is that a bit overkill? I’ve been ridiculously anal retentive about this visit because I have no idea what to do with someone here and just because I am not the greatest fan of where I live, that doesn’t mean I should mar anyone else’s views. My plan is to give him expensive tequila intravenously and perhaps he won’t notice that he’s trapped in the fifth circle of Hell. Should be fun.

In the year of the delta

December 31, 2007 | Filed under: Great moments in narcissism, Listy

“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Neil pointed out to me earlier that this year seemed to be particularly difficult for me. And it was in that purely narcissistic, how can I handle all of this good fortune that seems to have swung in my direction, type of way. I can say it over and over and over again but I do not do change well. It’s like it’s physically impossible for me to accept anything different without a lot of strenuous and unnecessary thought that only serves to making me feel far more insane than I did at the onset. I’d make up some resolution about seeing the error of my ways but I know I wouldn’t keep it. I know that by Wednesday I’d be back where I was today; slumped over in horrible posture while abusing On Demand. So instead of some intense and verbose look back on 2007 the year of the cleavage baring dresses, benzodiazepines and Southwest airlines, I figured the following posts would pretty adequately sum up my year*.

January Crush, redux

February That’s just the way it is

March Pot o’ Gold

April The Queen of Everything

May Soon to be Pooping Rainbows

June Life Changing

July A Beautiful Reciprocal Arrangement

August Sooner

September Come Hither

October Diminishing Marginal Utility

November Departure

December Sporadic Verbosity

*This idea totally borrowed from Tracey G-P

Flaws

October 3, 2007 | Filed under: Blogology, Great moments in narcissism, Listy, Socially Awkward Barbie™

“Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.” ~Goethe

Today is The Great Mofo Delurk. I like the word Mofo though I use it so rarely because I’m much more fond of the more formal ‘Motherfucker’. As such, I am presenting you with a few of my pretty bad but not as bad as my propensity to drink two bottles of wine just because it’s in my line of sight, flaws. Feel free to delurk and divulge your flaws or just delurk and tell me how drop dead gorgeous I am or delurk and ask me a question like how I’ve managed to get through almost 24 years of life without spontaneously combusting from my overwhelming social awkwardness.

1) There are days that I feel like my only contribution to society will be rampant socially awkward behavior that will make others feel much better about their ability to communicate with other human beings. Whereas I kind of just stand there looking like I’m in severe pain, other people are able to, you know, open their mouths while making semi-coherent sounds. Though I was recently told, during a dinner, that one could sense that I’m a ‘writer’ (the noise you just heard was the sound of my eyes rolling). I choked on my fourth glass of cheap merlot and asked how and the woman seated next to me said that she could tell by the way I chose and used words very carefully. I laughed and patted myself on the back for being able to carry on a conversation for twenty minutes without sounding like I may have been dropped on my head and landed right on my soft spot as a baby.

2) I think that the telephone is the invention of Stalin and the Devil. Therefore using the phone requires deep cleansing breaths, acupuncture and a little hypnosis so that I can actually pick up the receiver. Prior to most any phone call, I write down notes on a 3×5 index card to lessen the chance of an untimely heart attack due to being unprepared for a difficult question. The ones that usually catch me off guard are the toughies, like “Is this Heather?” or “How are you?” I figure that with it being 2007 and all and with the wifi and the ability to listen to music on your telephone while wikipedia-ing ‘Squeaky Fromme’ means that one should be able to simply email a question. The phone doesn’t need to be used in every situation, in fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s use can be limited to dialing 911, ordering Chinese food, and possibly can be fashioned into some sort of weapon.

3) I received an email yesterday afternoon asking if when I said ‘Versailles’ I meant VERSAILLES. Is there another Versailles that I am not aware of? The Versailles I plan to visit next month has a Hall of Mirrors and Orange trees and Louis XIV once lived there and it’s located in a little place called France. The thing about my upcoming visit to France is that I am a notoriously awful planner. I say I’m going somewhere and then everything fizzles and my enthusiasm shrinks like a raisin in the sun, for prior to any trip there is thing called work which pretty much trumps everything at time, including eating and breathing and my ability to pee without bringing my crackberry into the stall with me. Because of this, I have two trips coming up that I have approximately zero plans for because when the enthusiasm doesn’t wane for me wanting a vacation but it wanes for deciding exactly what I want to do and see. Thus, my having to enlist Abigail to make up an itinerary for my upcoming trip to LA and the help I need right now from people that have actually been to France to tell me what I should see. I know the Louvre and Versailles and that big pointy phallus looking thing called the Eiffel Tower. Other than that I’m at a loss and the person going with me only wants to buy a bracelet at Cartier. So! Suggestions would be appreciated. For example, where can I go to get a croissant full of butter that won’t go straight to my ass?