Archive for the 'If I'm not here...' Category

If I’m Not Here…(volume V)

September 4, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

“The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can’t get there, is the meanest feeling in the world.” ~Edgar Watson Howe

You are out of your crack high brains if you thought I was going to be posting anything worthwhile this week. In fact I bet that crack is so good that Bobby Brown is currently stalking you and wants to be your new BFFE. Had I not been contractually obligated to put words on a page and/or go to work in something other than Purely Naked, then I would have spent the entire week laying on the floor of my office with The Boss playing in the background giving myself a manicure while Anthony Bourdain feeds me an eel and avocado roll. If it were a movie it would be called “There Will Be Wine”.

I have an extensive end of the summer post coming about how much I’ve learned this summer and grown both inside and um, outside. And about how at the end of July I got so depressed that I seriously contemplated jumping into the Nantucket Sound head first but then I’m glad I didn’t because therapy and Lexapro work. Also something about how the end of the summer love fest that will be come to a close with several of my favorite people has made me realize the importance of having wonderful friends in my life and how I’m glad they accept me for being the drunk, manic-depressive that I am. It will be beautiful. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll take pity on me and send me the greatest Gewurtzraminer that money can buy.

For a person with a brain that is currently shriveled up to the size of a frozen pea that has been found under the stove after 17 months with fuzz that the cat has chewed up; I am impressed by the amount that I was able to write this week. I mean a person with a brain in that state should be lucky to be able to open both eyes at the same time. I was able to open both eyes and type. It was a Labor Day miracle.

At BlogHer there is not one but two entire posts. One about my unwavering love for Hillary Rodham Clinton and the other about how my blog life and real life has come together and how anytime someone mentions “blog” in my presence other than via the Internet, I pretend to go deaf in one ear . At MamaPop I wrote about 90210. All I have to say about that is a hearty Oh My Fucking Hell. Aaron Spelling is rolling over in his grave right now at the travesty of that pure piece of bull shit. The entire thing caused me to foam at the mouth a little.

And that concludes what I’ve been up to this week past week. Discussing depression and foaming at the mouth and typing furiously. I am currently downstate, celebrating Sarah Brown and tonight celebrating the Giants. Tomorrow is pay day and this is the first time in 16 months that I can say that after last week, I’ve earned every damn cent of that check. I plan on going to J Crew and licking their display of cashmere sweaters.

Balls and porn

August 15, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

“In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.” ~ Holden Caulfield (J.D. Salinger)

Catherine asked me to guest post today. The title says it all. It’s been a pretty rough week full of sneezing fits and tears but today is a really good day. I’m hoping for more really good days. Good days with balls and porn. I’ve written other stuff this week but that I used the word ‘cock’ in a sentence and I did so without wanting to curl up and die, takes precedence.

In fact everyone should use the word sex in a sentence today. Or have some. Either way, it’s good for the soul.

An excerpt:

But still it’s hard for me to just come out and use the word sex without my face feeling like its on fire. Why yes, I can play it cool, calm and collected but on the inside I cannot believe I just used that word and I said it OUT LOUD and in front of people. Meanwhile the conversation continues and I’m dying a slow and painful death in my head because I am an adult who just said ‘sex’. Even writing it just now I had to look around in my office, where the door is closed because it could be read on the screen because all of my coworkers have x-ray vision.

If I’m not here…(Volume: Here lies free lip gloss)

August 7, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

If I’m Not Here…(Volume 1)

July 9, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

“Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.” ~John Barrymore

For the most part Tuesday was horrendous. A little bit of this and a little bit of that made up for a hellacious day where by nightfall I was hoarse due to a throat full of phlegm from all the heavy sobbing through out the day. Never before have I been so thankful for an office door. That evening, after a lengthy Come to Jesus talk (the result? I was right! PWNED! The end) I flipped open my laptop before sleep. I was in a bit of a Jack Daniel’s haze so I was most certain that my brain along with Gmail had concocted some scheme to terrorize my psyche. Alas I hadn’t been hallucinating when I read that I had won $250 courtesy of HP in a contest for BlogHer. I did a little dance on my bed while rather scantily clad and flopped back down to an ice cold drink. Seconds later I opened my laptop again - I always check my mail twice before bed. I’m obsessive-compulsive like that - and there, right where my HP email had been was a separate email stating that a post of mine had been chosen for me to read - OUT LOUD - in the BlogHer Community Keynote.

If you recall, when the Community Keynote process started, I was on the search committee. Due to other deadlines and work and poring over the brilliant words of others, I hadn’t even thought of submitting a post. I even recall Eden asking if I had and I said that I hadn’t because there was no time and then promptly forgot about it all. So imagine the utter surprise that coursed it’s way through me when finding out that an anonymous reader - Elisa won’t tell me who it was and only says that it was a Secret Admirer - went and found a post that s/he enjoyed and then submitted it to have me read out loud. Like in public with other people around. I don’t care if half the audience has seen me drunk and obnoxious and I’ve slept in their guest bedroom, it’s still public speaking. But never mind that, the point is that my utter shock upon finding out was warranted and whoever you are (please tell me, I don’t like surprises and it’s killing me!), I appreciate it more than you know. I’m really excited for this and I hope you all enjoy it. If not, well, most of you might be drunk by then anyway. So whatever.

And so that ended Tuesday. Now it is Wednesday evening, my favorite moment of the week. When I can sit back in my hot ass apartment with no writing deadlines looming over my head trying to eat me alive and with all of the words and synonyms and analogies sucking the life out of me. As much as I enjoy writing, by Wednesday at 3PM when my MamaPop post is due, I’m done. The timer has gone off. The little plastic piece has popped out of my ass. Just done.

After Aimee’s suggestion, I’ve decided to do a weekly link post to all of the damn words I’ve written for the week. That way you all can see that my mind doesn’t always revolve around drinking and my boobs. Sometimes I think about the state of the economy and why screenwriters put forth such asinine shit. Really important things going on up in my head and out via my finger tips. Obviously.

This week there is no BlogHer post because Denise is kind and lovely and pretty and perhaps if I kiss her ass enough she’ll give me another week off for being so damn awesome. I’ve guest posted at Mocha Momma and well the word ‘racist’ came up once in the comments. So… yeah. And at MamaPop, I finally took myself on a date to see WALL-E and I haven’t been that delighted by a junk collecting robot in quite some time.

Now I am off to practice not contorting my face every time I speak and not having a face that resembles a squished prune when smiling. I imagine looking constipated with a cockeye when doing my reading. I hope you all can be there to witness the beauty!

Perfect Timing

July 3, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum, If I'm not here..., You've Got Guests

“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”  ~Bill Watterson

Since returning from Colorado my sleeping has been way off. Like going to bed between 2 and 3 AM and waking up between 6 and 7 AM. Though blaming it on Colorado isn’t very kind as this has been a trend since well before leaving. Correct me if I am wrong but the last time I had a serious bout of insomnia it was suggested that I give up the evening wine. Which also makes it sound like I have wine every night. I am so fucking tired that until Colorado the drinking had been minimal. And by minimal I mean that I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to use a wine opener. I looked at my complicated Houdini corkscrew and said “Eff this. That’s what my teeth are for.”

So it’s been a long week that has included a three night sleepover at my mother’s house. There’s no reason for it except that I enjoy sleeping in her bed while she’s away. It’s comforting. Mock me if you will but she also has a Heavenly Bed so you’d be sleeping right here with me all snuggled up in the small of my back because this shit is comfortable.

And for once after such a week, the calendar gives me a hand by putting a holiday down for tomorrow.

(I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it looks like I’m packing heat or at least 47 pairs of peep toe flats in the bags under my eyes)

(I look like someone punched me in the face)

(Hey! If you’re looking for me at BlogHer I’ll be the one with tiny slits for eyes. Don’t be alarmed!)

So long weekend? Joy. While I rarely ever do this but then Aimee suggested it the other night and I figured hey! why not! because I apparently have no problem inflicting pain upon others by forcing them to read what I write. Keep in mind that I’ve been to two different cities (I had the world’s most excruciating day trip to DC) on two different coasts in the past week and then perhaps you’ll give me a pat on the back for not writing “Will Smith is still hot. But even hotter as an alcoholic Superhero. The end.” That said my other places for the week are (drumroll): an interview at The Collective, a review of Hancock and a post about why I don’t freelance over at BlogHer. Answer the the last one: Because I’m 99% sure that talent is required and superfluous use of ‘fuck’ is not.

For all of you Americans, have a lovely long weekend. For the rest of you enjoy working tomorrow, suckas.