Archive for the 'Humdrum' Category

Signing up for AARP

August 4, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?” ~Satchel Paige

Overheard in Best Buy just days after explaining the Dream Team to a seven year old:

“Oh my God! Paul just texted me back to say that he’s sorry. He’s so cute!”

“AWWW. You know, I didn’t know he was so old…”

“Well he is like 21″

If “like 21″ is old then I should be worrying about osteoporsis and my daily fiber intake.

In search of a snugglebug

July 28, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“Babies are such a nice way to start people.” ~Don Herrold

Me (via Twitter): I have a sudden urge for baby snuggling. Anyone have a baby I can borrow?

Jodi: Not a baby, but want a stubborn toddler?

Me: Baby…not toddler. I mean toddlers are cool and all but they don’t like to snuggle. They’re more interested in flailing their bodies about the room and screaming  bloody murder because you gave them a yellow cup and not a blue cup and the world will die and the terrorists will win if they do not have the blue cup.

Jodi: Are you in my house?

Friends like these

July 23, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.”  ~Frances Ward Weller

Stara: “You know, when I read that post you did I thought it was funny. Like I said ‘oh, that’s funny’. But I didn’t like laugh out loud or anything. But when you read it, it was hilarious. Maybe you should just vlog.”

***

Me: I need to start mentally preparing myself for when you leave for China. How long will you be gone for? What if something insane or funny happens while you’re away?? What if I find out I’m pregnant while you’re away?? You’ll miss out.

Her: Maybe I should just stay here on the off chance that you might get pregnant. Or say something funny.

Gone fishin’

July 17, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“Yo bitches. Here I am in San Francisco. I don’t miss any of you but I know you miss me.

Love,

Heather”

- That note was dictated by Miss Leah as I sat on the floor of her guest bedroom trying not to toss myself out the window because YOU GUYS, I am so fucking stressed. Incomprehensibly thrilled no less, but stressed.

Defective

July 7, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better.” ~Samuel Butler

My generally chipper demeanor and joy because of the impending several weeks of awesome, were sadly derailed by a sudden aversion to wine, beer and fucking Smart Ones. Granted the latter is just a natural occurence and possibly me coming into my right mind when questioning why DubDub would peddle that cardboard, tasteless, pile of crap and call it a meal. And I keep eating it up with “nom, nom, nom” noises because all I have to do is use a microwave. Lesson here is that indolence is unbecoming for a lady and it only leads to food that tastes like something out of a sweaty, pleather ballet flat. The kind worn WITHOUT socks. Because they look cuter that way.

Anyway, my aversion to the two former have seemingly come from nowhere which is why yesterday I briefly panicked because perhaps I am the defective version of HB and I need to go back to some sort of genius hipster with converse high tops to see if I can be replaced. For surely I am still under warranty. Though I am somewhat thankful that the Bubonic Plague has hit me now as opposed to this Thursday through August 1st. For then I’d be spending several hours at the Westin being really friendly when politely begging people to kill me now because the illness is causing hysterics along with rampant puking.

I’ll be back later barring my head exploding to discuss offensive footwear, lemon-raspberry cupcakes, tattoos, a guest post and a movie review and a photo of the first thing I plan to shove in my piehole when I go away later this week.

I hope your Independence Day was lovely and full of people blowing shit up. And perhaps I’m just getting grumpy in my old age but when did July 4th turn into a three day affair with fireworks starting on the 3rd and ending on the 5th? Or perhaps I’m turning into a grouchy spinster who tells those damn kids to get off her lawn and rushes to the nearest buffet for the Early Bird special and then probably votes Republican. My life is headed downhill.