“You can see a lot by just looking. ” ~Yogi Berra
Last night Metalia and I discussed my sudden need to vlog and this afternoon* I decided to go forth and do so…despite a perpetual cold and looking like I stuck my head out the window while driving to work and that look you see there? With my eyes looking all pitiful and shit? It’s not because I was trying to be sullen and pathetic it’s just that the cold/exhaustion combo has my puffy eyed and crappy tailed. To give you a glimpse into my suffering: I woke up at 3 AM yesterday morning after two hours of sleep and a bottle and a half of wine while traipsing through Gallery Place. Proof and PS 7′s is a good idea 99.9% of the time. But that .1% is because my taste in good food and good wine over powers any ounce of wisdom I might have. It’s like the option to drink Tempranillio is far more important than being able to function at any point. I’d rather be drifting on thoughts of Spain than be able to walk and blink my eyes at the same time.
*You have to click on the link because I am so displeased by the way I look that I figure that the extra step will deter people from viewing. In other news: I have body/face image issues.
And in the end
“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” ~William Thomas
There are very few words that can relay just how painful this past year has been. Self-inflicted strife and heartache would touch the very tip of that iceberg but nothing to account for the number of times I felt my heart churning around in my gut and the times I sat laid in bed for hours longer than it should be legal, only to use a sick day because everything physically hurt based on a mental condition. I won’t miss the dull ache of the past twelve months and knowing that if one second, minute or phrase had been changed, if I had missed a train because of snow or if I had replied differently…my God…this year would have been far better than one of Soul Sucking Hell Fire and Doom.
2008 I will not miss you. You, wily bastard* shit head of perpetual disdain and sadness, go the fuck away.
And that’s the ‘family friendly’ version of what I’d like to say about this year. But it’s the end that counts…those last few days and weeks that prep you for the twelve months to come. The emails and notes of a different tune. The pep talks and ‘you can do it’ from 3,000 miles away. The difference between this year and the last is that while yes, I am in control of my actions but I’m not starting 2009 with dread, fear and this overwhelming guilt that bogs me down and forces me to live like I’m perpetually treading water. In the end, my legs aren’t tired, my arms aren’t sore and my head is above. This year, I won’t be gasping for air.
Here are my favorite posts of the past year. Posts that have made me smile and laugh, recoil and remember:
January: The 50MM Story
February: Filler, redux
March: Water into Wine
April: Pain and Understanding
May: La Madre
June: Fight and Flight
July: Just in time for vacation
August: What the good ones are made of
September: The rules of engagement
October: A lesson before 25
November: One day in November
December: There’s the tiniest sliver of hope at the end of this tunnel
*I borrowed that phrase from Metalia.