Archive for the 'Great moments in narcissism' Category

In My Dreams

May 2, 2008 | Filed under: Fotografias, Great moments in narcissism, Humdrum

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.”  ~William Dement

Metalia was on a very important conference call this morning, during which she decided to make my dreams come true. In friendship, it’s important to have a friend who knows your flaws and yet loves you just the same. Which means that all you people about to tell me how Eli Manning is a pussy ass cry baby, can suck it and I probably didn’t like you that much in the first place.

I’m about to forward this photo along to my father who thinks that Archie Manning (and spawn) should be shoved into the Mississippi River. So when he finally disowns me, he’ll have real evidence. Something a little more tangible than his refusal to get over that one time I peed in the back of his Volvo.

Happy Weekend, y’all.

Tiny moments

February 7, 2008 | Filed under: Fotografias, Great moments in narcissism

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.  This makes it hard to plan the day.”  ~Elwyn Brooks White 

For the amount that I whinge (on and on and on) about my life, you’d think I lived a terribly boring and miserable existence where all I did was spend a lot of time alone, possibly with a cat and an excessive amount of wine. Oh, wait…. 

 

These are only three tiny moments of my life. Which, for the record, is a pretty kick ass one. There, I’ve said it; I like my life. I think I shall keep it for awhile.  

 

*photos from 30 Tiny Moments; a Flickr group that the ever lovely Jessica of Kerflop started a few weeks ago. I’ve already shown that I’m a misanthrope, crazy-cat-lady, so your moments really can’t be that much worse.  

Anywhere but here

January 25, 2008 | Filed under: Great moments in narcissism, Oh The Stupidity You'll See

“One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment.” ~Hart Crane

Do you ever have one of those weeks where there are just too many words? It’s like I’m drowning in letters and every time I think I can come up for air, there’s the word ‘myopic’ kicking me in the face.

Do you ever hone one of those weeks where you know that you’re coming down with the flu or scurvy or PMS and you want to just keel over and curl up in the fetal position but you can’t because there is table side prepared guacamole and pomegranate margaritas in your future? And really, what is more important: Health or patron? Think about it.

As such, I’m going to be that shitty blogger who says, “I’m not here but you can find me in these 17 other places!” My favorite being the exchange between myself and HRH Greeblemonkey.

Oh! Totally forgot to mention the part where I ran into the wall. Twice. Head first. Many of you are saying “No shit, I thought that probably happened to you ages ago” but alas not, it was yesterday and then again today.

And apropos of nothing else what is the first thought that comes to mind when you hear the name “Amani”? Atonement Review at MamaPop! (Some times they let me kick it over there)

Have I mentioned that I’m black and female and neither has any bearing on my decision on who to vote for? At BlogHer. (Some times they pay me to kick it over there) (And by ’some times’ I mean monthly because how else do I afford the patron??)

And this gem right here. But read down to the end because the most important part isn’t about how I spend my money, it’s the fact that I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue. Seriously.

Great moments in narcissism

January 9, 2008 | Filed under: Great moments in narcissism

“The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.” ~Ellery Queen

I’ve just returned from lunch with a friend of mine. I spent the entire hour with my head halfway bent down and my hand resting on my chin. I probably looked very thoughtful but in reality I didn’t want her to see the unibrow that I had been growing for the past six weeks nor did I want her to see the hairs on my chinny chin chin. Because obviously that is what she would spend her entire lunch hour doing: In lieu of exchanging gossip she was counting the number of wiry motherfuckers that kept sprouting out of nowhere. At the end of lunch she admitted to me that she feared I would notice the black jacket she had carried along in the event that it got below 70, because she was wearing brown pants. And of course the first thing I would notice is the brown/black combination but that would be assuming I lifted my head up long enough to take a quick peek.

I’m always amazed by women, myself included. How we constantly feel that others are staring at us and noticing our slightest outwardly flaws. I remember before BlogHer last year when the women folk were primping; haircuts, manis and pedis and waxing errant hairs all with the hope that no one would notice a dry nail cuticle or uneven bangs. I was guilty of it to as I went to get my bikini line done and made seven trips to Anthropologie; because God forbid I didn’t have a cache of perfectly fitting and cleavage flattering shirts to choose from. Perhaps it’s just me but I’m of the belief that women do these things for other women. The typical male probably wouldn’t notice half this shit; the new bags, the new shoes, a new hair color. But a woman? A woman would notice it all in a heartbeat. Upon first meeting with that quick up and down glance and then a mention of how cute a jacket is or where a pair of shoes are from. Hell, I once bought new bras not just because they were necessary but because other women would notice that my boobs were hanging precariously close to my abdomen. It’s what once prevented me from discarding a Tiffany blue bag and instead using it for three months to carry my lunch in. Because that’s just how we women are are. It’s in our DNA to look closely and judge even if we don’t realize that it’s being done, there we are inspecting shoes and bags and labels. It’s what led me to say out loud but to no one in particular “What the HELL was she thinking wearing those ugly shoes with that skirt”. All the while walking down the street with greasy cortisone covering half of my face after the forced eviction of the two caterpillars that had been building a kick ass cocoon on my forehead.

In the year of the delta

December 31, 2007 | Filed under: Great moments in narcissism, Listy

“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Neil pointed out to me earlier that this year seemed to be particularly difficult for me. And it was in that purely narcissistic, how can I handle all of this good fortune that seems to have swung in my direction, type of way. I can say it over and over and over again but I do not do change well. It’s like it’s physically impossible for me to accept anything different without a lot of strenuous and unnecessary thought that only serves to making me feel far more insane than I did at the onset. I’d make up some resolution about seeing the error of my ways but I know I wouldn’t keep it. I know that by Wednesday I’d be back where I was today; slumped over in horrible posture while abusing On Demand. So instead of some intense and verbose look back on 2007 the year of the cleavage baring dresses, benzodiazepines and Southwest airlines, I figured the following posts would pretty adequately sum up my year*.

January Crush, redux

February That’s just the way it is

March Pot o’ Gold

April The Queen of Everything

May Soon to be Pooping Rainbows

June Life Changing

July A Beautiful Reciprocal Arrangement

August Sooner

September Come Hither

October Diminishing Marginal Utility

November Departure

December Sporadic Verbosity

*This idea totally borrowed from Tracey G-P