Archive for the 'Fotografias' Category

Everything’s Coming Up Tulips

May 11, 2008 | Filed under: Fotografias, This side of the Hudson

“Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Y’all, I stepped outside my house the other day and was promptly greeted by an angry mob. An angry mob stuffed with festival food and cheap beer ready to breathe my air and brush past me and trip me with their humvee sized Maclarens. Then I died a very sad death due to acute social anxiety. My tombstone read: “Heather B. was such a lovely person until she found herself around other people. Then she turned into a hot mess.”

Anyway, this is what I figure Hell will look like. But I bet there’s gonna be beer!

Ok so I didn’t die. More like I was stationary for 48 entire hours during which I had exactly two goals: 1) Find the funnel cake. Imbibe the funnel cake. Get the powdered sugar in my hair. Remove powdered sugar from my person by licking. 2) Use tulips for hypnosis. Rinse and repeat. I’d say this weekend was a rousing success. AIM LOW, kids!

And then all things went to shit when I discovered Lightroom. Better yet, I say “Simon!” in a sing-song voice and he’s at attention. Now I get to take 765 photos of my cat, then over expose the shit out of them and make them look all mind-bending and bright and ‘antiqued’. It’ll be like being high all the time but without the severe paranoia. No Pasa Nada: Like tripping on acid. The good stuff.

More like No Pasa Nada: Just a touch of class and crazy.

In My Dreams

May 2, 2008 | Filed under: Fotografias, Great moments in narcissism, Humdrum

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.”  ~William Dement

Metalia was on a very important conference call this morning, during which she decided to make my dreams come true. In friendship, it’s important to have a friend who knows your flaws and yet loves you just the same. Which means that all you people about to tell me how Eli Manning is a pussy ass cry baby, can suck it and I probably didn’t like you that much in the first place.

I’m about to forward this photo along to my father who thinks that Archie Manning (and spawn) should be shoved into the Mississippi River. So when he finally disowns me, he’ll have real evidence. Something a little more tangible than his refusal to get over that one time I peed in the back of his Volvo.

Happy Weekend, y’all.

Simple things

April 30, 2008 | Filed under: Blogology, Fotografias

“Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.”  ~Earl Nightingale

Good things have happened over the last few days. It’s usually the little things that add up to overwhelm and suffocate me, this time it has been moving past the bad to find the good. Even in it’s simplest form, things can be good. What’s hard is wading through the bad to get to it.

It’s there. I promise. You just have to do a bit of digging. And if your nails get dirty, don’t worry, that’s what a good manicure is for.

Bliss

April 7, 2008 | Filed under: Blogology, Fotografias, Whoopdie Doo

“You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.” ~Stephen King

Saturday night I laughed so hard that it burned and I bruised a rib. It burned from the bottom of my throat straight down to my waist because I kept doubling over because everything was just so damn funny. Funny like, “You said UMBRELLA!” while Chris continued point out how utterly useless Susan’s opposable thumbs are, that type of funny. I would detail each and every event so that you could feel like you were right there next to me, but midway through you’d be requesting a shot of battery acid to put in my drink and a pair of freshly sharpened chopsticks for your eyeballs. So I will spare you those details but holy hell, I have not laughed like that since I cannot remember. Really. Maybe Nixon was in the White House? I dunno.

My favorite part though other than when Y invited me to meet Rich and so I sat there and told him that the reason I wake up each Monday morning was for his America’s Next Top Model recaps and then I proceeded to stare at him awkwardly because FIERCE! VAGINA ARMS! Yeah, other than that, was when Metalia brought with her to brunch the gift that her husband had got for me in Vegas. Her husband, J, who I have never met in my life and for all he knows, I could be a masochistic sociopath with armpit hair down to my waist waiting to kidnap his wife for her lip gloss. J was in Las Vegas and saw Amani Toomer from the Giants. I happen to love the Giants and Amani Toomer. J knew this because I spent the better part of January texting Metalia about every other third down. Anyway, J saw Amani and noticed that he had several photos with him and asked if he would sign one. Instead of saying can you make it out to my wife? or to I don’t know anyone he’s ever seen in real life, he asked Amani to sign a photo FOR ME.

J brought the photo back to Metalia and said “I got something for Heather in Vegas” to which Metalia said “So this is how you’re going to tell me. I see…” It was nice and sweet and when I finally saw what it was, I got that lump in my throat and almost cried because it was such a lovely and unexpected thing. This weekend was like rolling around in a great big pile of awesome and the entire way home I kept laughing to myself because WHAT WAS IN THE BATH?! If I haven’t said it before, I’ll say it again, most days even on the days when there is unnecessary drama and I want to throw something at the computer screen and I’m giving the finger to people 900 miles away and calling some poor woman the ‘c’ word, I really, really love the internet.

Photoset here: The Manhattan Project (Part I)

Tiny moments

February 7, 2008 | Filed under: Fotografias, Great moments in narcissism

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.  This makes it hard to plan the day.”  ~Elwyn Brooks White 

For the amount that I whinge (on and on and on) about my life, you’d think I lived a terribly boring and miserable existence where all I did was spend a lot of time alone, possibly with a cat and an excessive amount of wine. Oh, wait…. 

 

These are only three tiny moments of my life. Which, for the record, is a pretty kick ass one. There, I’ve said it; I like my life. I think I shall keep it for awhile.  

 

*photos from 30 Tiny Moments; a Flickr group that the ever lovely Jessica of Kerflop started a few weeks ago. I’ve already shown that I’m a misanthrope, crazy-cat-lady, so your moments really can’t be that much worse.