Archive for the 'Comes And Goes' Category

Brilliance becomes me

June 24, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Humdrum

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out. ” ~Art Linkletter

There are these moments that we all have wherein we realize that a previously made decision that seemed quite brilliant at one time, turns out to be a little less than brilliant. In fact the decision seems downright idiotic and instead of feeling on top of the world with all of the newly discovered brilliance – hell, I probably should have been a MENSA member – it’s as if such hastily made decisions weren’t the best judgment ever. Anything can have this from choosing a mate to deciding at 7:30 PM to have enough diet coke to fill the Grand Canyon and then have a super sized, big gulp, iced coffee because caffeine would do a body good at damn near 9 PM.

Alas at 1:50 AM when wide awake and re-reading and responding to emails and writing and watching premium cable after midnight (soft core porn. The end), any other previous decision – made ever in my life - seems like it was a monumentally bad idea.

So now I know what 2 AM looks like while completely sober and let me tell you, it is far kinder and easier to embrace with the help of Grey Goose. I fear that my flight tomorrow will be a nightmare of epic proportions. And to allow my mind to venture off onto how the rest of the week, like the part when I fly two time zones away, will go…well…that explains the pressure slowly building behind my ears and across my brow line.

Shockingly enough I’m not nearly as tempted to slither onto the floor into the fetal position as I normally am when faced with several little things piling up. This could be because my house cleaner quit and the new one won’t start until later this week and so the thought of putting any bare skin onto the pet hair covered floor skeeves me out. Or it could be because a mini-vacation (past and one in the future) and sudden common sense have left me able to cope with things. Either way, I’m finding that there is very little that I can control except for me. Which is a novel concept, I’m sure. In fact that concept, that perhaps only I can control the way I react to other people and situations, is so god damn brilliant that MENSA is probably on their way right about now. Engraved invitation, streamers and all.

What do you love about your life?

June 17, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Just asking

“Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ‘I am with you kid. Let’s go.’” ~Maya Angelou

I’ve been having these daily moments of complete panic. Wherein I stop in the middle of whatever I might be doing to feel my heart race. I take a few deep breaths and sometimes text/IM/fax Susan to say that I am panicky and she, my comfort friend, tells me that I’ll be fine and perhaps now would be a good time to find that bottle of wine.

Everyday I look at the way I’ve neatly organized my wall calendar. All of the days highlighted in pink are days that I will be away. By my count I will be away for 40 days between now and September 1st. 40. The same number of days of Lent and the same number of days it rained during the flood. I’m getting all Biblical because I’m pretty sure that it will take an act of God to keep me from not losing my ever loving shit between now and September. The problem is that none of these trips are bad; some actually cause my heart to race in excitement, it’s just that they are some very big trips, with very big people and very large crowds; hence the anxiety and general abuse of psychotropic drugs.

This is how I always get though before a lot of big stuff happens. It’s just that never before has so much happened in such a short period of time that I’m finding it difficult to wrap my head around two straight months of being surrounded by several hundred to several thousand people. There is also the here and the there and the normal everyday stuff that I know I will handle because I have to but that doesn’t necessarily prevent me from sitting in the middle of my living room while Simon kneads my stomach, wishing that it were fall already.

Last night I happened to be having one of those episodes. I sat in the dark holding my laptop in one hand and a coffee in the other. I had just returned from the movies and was trying to think of synonyms for ‘absurd’ (asinine, fatuous) when the panic - which I should add, mostly revolves on the sheer number of people I plan to share my personal space with over the upcoming months. Followed closely by the number of times I am going to have to strip for TSA – hit me like a Hummer on the Beltway. So I closed my eyes and began to take deep breaths when The Roommate busted in. Now if you must understand that my roommate is one of those people who believes in positive thought and life and that giving out good energy and doing good will bring good to your life. I believe that if I raise my left eyebrow and look menacing then people will listen to me.

She startled me with her bright Hello. Like we hadn’t seen each other in months and I peered over the monitor, mumbled a bleak Hi and then went back to my hand-wringing. She had been away for a few days for her Wisdom Class (don’t ask) and she proceeded to ask me what I love about my life. That it took me a solid 10 minutes to think of something that I really loved about my life is disheartening and unsettling. For surely my life isn’t that bad. And it isn’t. Really it’s just that when things become beyond overwhelming and you have to take deep breaths and medication in order to face the day, well it is hard to not develop the personality of an angry scorpion.

There is hope for me because I was able to come up with a list of things I love about my life. I am not an overly positive thinker. I prefer to be pragmatic and downright pessimistic as opposed to looking on the bright side. But I figure that if I post a few things here then I at least have a bit of a record for those days when I’m damn near pouring hot coffee on the person closest to me or when I feel like kicking things, I can at least say that there was that one time – not too long ago – when I actually did enjoy something in my life.

1) My job. I may not like the people 100% of the time but I do love the work I get to do. Like really love it. I say ‘get to do’ because it is this amazing opportunity that I have been given and so I feel honored that it has been bestowed upon me. This is what makes it hard not to throw my hands in the air when things get completely out of control and I want to hide under my desk and scream. Those days I can just take a sick day or a two hour lunch or close my office door and listen to Randy Newman for hours. I also get to go to DC whenever I damn well please and that I have a boss who doesn’t feel compelled to keep me on a leash and question my every decision.

2) I wouldn’t exactly call what I do ‘writing’ but more like ‘creative whining’ and giving my unsolicited advice on a myriad of topics. Either way, I love that I actually get money in return for incessant bitching. I love even more that people care to read it and dare I say like me because of it. It makes me get all Sally Field-like sometimes.

3) I am one of those people who can honestly admit to adoring my friends. I love them. And they are all completely different people who support me in totally different ways. These amazing people in my life who know that I am slightly crazy and over the top and petulant and neurotic and I really like my wine and yet for some equally crazy reason they like me anyway.

4) My family. Even though my mother pissed me the hell off the other day and I didn’t talk to her for like five days and had to be FORCED into going to Martha’s Vineyard for her birthday, I still love her and them. The very special people that they are. Though it’s probably genetic and I’m equally as vicious and without a filter when I’m upset. Ahem.

One Bad Apple

June 12, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes

“There’s a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.”  ~Pearl Bailey

The thing about having one dramatic/traumatic day is that it ends up sucking the life out of the rest of the week such that by the end of it all exertion would be defined as standing up, walking to the refrigerator, finding a beer and prying off the top. And even that requires more concentration than you have.

I’m sitting here singing along to Hairspray and balancing a Heinekin Light on my stomach while The Roommate makes a landmark book; a photo album of sorts of significant moments in her life over the years. As she has been working on this project we have learned that not only did we go to the same elementary school - though she is seven years my senior - we also had the same kindergarten teacher. She’s having a hard time remembering and contemplating resorting to the fluorescent heaven that is MySpace. I am realizing that every significant event since my college graduation has been documented in this space. Both the good and the bad.

It’s June and this year has already been one giant learning experience after another. Some days have been arduous at best where I have seriously thought about jumping in the Hudson and starting over wherever I happen to surface. Then there have been the really great moments where I have been gloriously happy and OK with my decisions because where I have surfaced may not be some perfect tropical island but good enough for me.

So I don’t jump and instead just wait it all out and try my damndest to push the bad days out of the way - to the recesses of my mind - so that they don’t spoil the rest.

Anger management

March 28, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes

“If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.” ~Oscar Wilde

I bet if you were to perform a google image search using the phrase “perpetually disgruntle” there would be a 400 pixel width photo of me, oily forehead and all, attempting to shove my foot up someone’s ass with a bill from Verizon in the one hand and my mouth forming some words. Obviously you wouldn’t be able to tell what those words are via photo but I can assure you that I would probably be telling Verizon – most emphatically. As you would be able to tell by the way my face is contorted - to ‘SUCK IT’.

Then you would probably feel the need to back away from the computer, ever so slowly, because waking the beast, though I would only be a google image, would probably scar you for life. And I might tear you limb from limb and it wouldn’t be pretty.

I am going to attempt to be zen and calm like and not want to hurl my body across the room at someone but here is a point of order: If someone owes me like $10 I could give a damn. Really. If three people or entities owe me somewhere in the ballpark of $2500 then I start to get a little foamy at the mouth because where on my chest do I have the words “Citibank”? I just don’t see them.

This calls for deep breaths. VERY deep breaths before I completely lose my ever loving shit. The plan is to attend bootcamp right now and when my trainer asks me to take this 12 pound ball and toss it to my teammate, well don’t be surprised if someone ends up a little more concave than convex in their torso.

Water into Wine

March 26, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes

“In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies” – Horton Hears a Who!

Yesterday afternoon I shut my office door, put my head on the desk and repeated to myself “Positive energy. Positive energy. POSITIVE. ENERGY. POSTITIVE GOD DAMN ENERGY MOTHERFUCKER.” You see, I have been on this whole positive thinking kick after The Roommate started brainwashing me with The Secret. She kept mentioning being positive and putting energy towards good and I kept thinking, “Awww, you can talk out of your ass? Neat party trick. Do it again!”

She shook her head and rolled her eyes and went back to riding her trainer bike in the living room for three hours, “You’ll see. Just try it.”

She had been putting ‘positive thoughts’ towards every aspect of her life including finding parking spots. And since I am a parking spot freak who will get home on Sunday at 1 PM and not want to leave until the next morning because I am parked right outside of the building; I figured I would try it as well. And wouldn’t you know that the first time I thought to myself “There will be a spot right here” lo there was a spot. Directly in front of the door to my building. A fluke obviously because thinking positively about something doesn’t necessarily bring joy and happiness. The next day I tried it again, when I had seven loads of laundry in my car and I needed a spot right in front of the building. I drove up my street and kept thinking “There will be a spot up here…”. Imagine my surprise when once again I could have reached out and touched my apartment from my car.

I flew upstairs and busted in on her and exclaimed that OMFG she was right and I thought positively about getting a parking spot (My joys, they come from even the mundane things) and OMFG I am parked right outside the damn building which means I can get up 15 minutes later and HOT DAMN I AM GOING TO BE POSITIVE IF IT KILLS ME.

So I have spent several days half-dead because being positive really might kill me and it is so difficult to be positive when everyone around you is negative or whiny or petulant and to all of you who have been reading for the last 2 ½ years: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. Here, take this lovely plant – it’s an orchid bitches, don’t sulk - as my thanks for dealing with me for years. I’d give you something better but I think I owe my parents a kidney each and maybe my second born for dealing with me for 24 ½ years (omfg, please hold while I hyperventilate. I am on a trajectory to the wrong side of my 20’s).

I’ve been working on channeling all of my pent up white hot rage and aggression and general hatred towards most of mankind, into focusing on other things whether it be work or writing something or how awful jail would be if I really did choke the shit out of someone. I keep likening it to turning water into wine: Awesome. But next to impossible unless your name is Jesus. I’m trying to be kind not saintly. Which brings us to yesterday when I spent 12 hours riled up about one thing or another and taking deep cleansing breaths. For I really do get worked up over the most innocuous things and put offs. Both intentional or not but I feel compelled to work on not being so intense about things and letting the small shit go and when I do feel like maybe someone needs to get shot in their big toe for being a dumbshit, then I should re-channel those thoughts towards getting my taxes done or how next weekend I’m going to whisper sweet nothings into Chris Jordan’s ear.

I need to be a little more positive and instead of sharing every negative thought in my head (I hate the opposite sex! I am going to beat the hell out of my brother! I hate bracketology!) Then maybe I might feel better about people and life in general and more importantly abating those thoughts might keep me out of jail. I also don’t want to read back over this site 15 years from now and think, My God, I was a miserable little shit in my 20’s. Which explains why I am now sitting here alone with all of my preshus and adorably feral cats.