“Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling. ” ~George Gordon Byron
It was during my 2006 trip to BlogHer when I made it known that if I knew you prior to flying across the country then I would attach myself to your ass for the duration of the trip. And because my dear Amy – who I was once upon a time afraid of – was attending I welcomed myself to her left shoulder and made her drag me around introducing me to people who would never remember my name. Like Tracey and Y. You know, those people who still are unaware of my existence. My favorite part, the part that I have relayed to others time and time again now because it’s funny then because I think I used the phrase “…punch a motherfucker” after this occured; is when some found out that I was Amy’s baby sitter and then requested to know why Amy would bring her baby sitter to a conference. But ‘Baby Sitter’ was said in a tone like I didn’t belong and/or had no other profession except for baby sitting and/or might have some venereal disease.
Let it be known that unless someone looks at you like you’re the help and then announces it to the world, then I promise that you will have a far better time at BlogHer than I did that year.
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It is a truth not so universally acknowledged by anyone except for myself that I am not a people person. There is this comfort I get being in close quarters and in deep conversation with one to five people. It’s like my own version of a snuggie. When I’m tossed into a room with 156 people I carry a paper bag in my back pocket and a stash of Klonopin in my front. It’s the only way for me to stay level and not run heading for the hills or in a drunken stupor licking someone or smacking somone’s ass because I’m too drunk due to anxiety. In the immortal words of Heather Armstrong “Be ye not so stupid”.
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1) Do not get drunk and dance on a table in front of 950 people with DSLRs would be my first and most important rule of attending BlogHer. BlogHer is not Fight Club. People will talk about that shit and next thing you know there’s a photo of you on Flickr flashing the world. Don’t be that girl.
2) It’s okay to part with your laptop. I get it. Yours is new and pretty and the battery lasts for 39 hours but I also am a fan of my shoulders and there’s really never any need for carrying one around at all times. I can tell you now exactly what I’ll be carrying: My havana hobo or wyeth bag, camera, business cards, sweater, maybe a flask depending on how my trip to Philly right before goes, my red moleskine and my Great Big Book of Ideas, my iPhone, lip gloss.
3) Dress like you would any other day of the week. There’s a lot of hand wringing and hyperventilating that goes on when a bunch of women get together. Notice how you never hear of men worrying about the state of their nails, eyebrows, hair or if their ass looks fat in a particular pair of jeans? But women. My God. And I’m counting myself in the bunch we care. Hell, I’m already worried about how much hair product I’ll be able to smuggle on the plane but if you saw my hair in its natural state and the way it walks into a room by itself, you’d want something to tame it down as well. But clothing wise – and be on the look out for a very special series on BeautyHacks on this – bring what you would normally wear. I bring 15 jersey knit dresses from JCrew because I own 15 jersey knit dresses from JCrew and that is what I wear all of the time. Bring shoes that are comfy but cute for shopping and conferencing and I strongly suggest cardigans. A lady can never have too many cardigans. Just be yourself.
4) At some point you will see someone you love/admire/have always wanted to stalk here is what you should do this based on personal experience and after a few unpleasant experiences last summer: Go up and talk to that person. Put your hand out, tap them on the shoulder, whatever but say hi. If you catch me in a good mood, I’ll probably hug you. If you catch me in a bad mood point me in the direction of the bar and then we’ll be new BFFs. People are just people. Bloggers do not possess magic, super powers that makes them holier than thou so really if you want to say hi, say hi.
a) You should have business cards. Always have business cards. Business cards should/can include the following: Name, site, URL, email (optional, twitter, other sites you write, a little about yourself).
I’ve seen pretty inventive things like condom lollipops and tampons. Have fun with it and you want it to be memorable.
5) There will be parties and there is a comprehensive list right here. As far as I know all of the parties on that list are open to all and anyone. Let’s say that there is a party that you want to attend I’m sure someone will drag you along but I’m saying this as nicely as possible: Who gives a flying fuck if you weren’t invited to a party? Really. Don’t worry about it and if you weren’t invited then start your own.
6) Some just like to party others like to learn and then there are the others who through some divine miracle can party like a rockstar and be up at 7 AM the following morning for yoga and a jog around the lake. I like to do a little bit of both; I like to mingle and I actually enjoy attending the sessions. It depends on what you feel comfortable with. Sometimes it’s just nice to relax and have a conversation on branding your blog with two people as opposed to two hundred. There is always someone or something going on to keep you from the madness if you need to get away (Example: The Shutter Suite) The agenda is here. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing just worry about making good use of your time out there participating in as much or as little as you’d like. And if you get
7) If you’re looking for me I’ll be in my room while Kelly drags me out by my hair and tells me to get my ass in gear. If I’m not in my room I’ll be standing in a little clump with Susan and Chris trying not to cry because THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE. But that’s a good thing right? It’s fun to see something grow and adapt to different groups of women. I’m not saying that because they pay me and I’m so broke that I’m contemplating prostitution but because I do believe in what BlogHer is doing. They have put on a better conference than the last year after year and I cannot wait to bogart some drink tickets and take in Chicago once again.
Though not two paragraphs ago I said not to worry about what others are doing I will say that it’s always nice to have a buddy. A go to type person who you know you can call and count on to hang out with you when you’re feeling like no one knows who you are and you will be all alone at every party but you weren’t even invited to parties and p.s. everyone hates you. No one hates you but it’s nice to have someone to reassure you that you are not crappiest person on Earth. I love having a buddy. Leah and Sarah (and Susan and Chris, duh) make excellent BlogHer buddies.9) Have fun. Really. Please, for me and the baby Jesus, have fun.
The Sweetness
“Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It’s that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don’t have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it’s like you just look at the wackness, ya know?” – Stephanie Squires
Immediately after our Room of Your Own session on Saturday, I walked up to the Shutter Suite and flopped down on the couch. I did that thing I do when I’m hypomanic which is to talk and keep talking and gesticulate wildly and smile and feel my heart going at a speed that is more conducive to sprinting through the Adirondacks than having an actual conversation. A conversation where one person talks and then the other but I was too busy talking for everyone. Tracey asked me how it went. How was I doing?
“I’m really, really happy”.
The smile on my face as contagious and she smiled just as widely back at me, “How did the session go?”
“It was perfect. Everything was so, so perfect. I feel great right now. I’m so happy”
“That’s how you should feel”
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There’s hyperbole above. The double ‘really’, the double ‘so’. But I was I was genuinely happy on Saturday. I was genuinely happy everyday.
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Alexa and I were talking over sidecars and grey goose about our lack of friends at home. I am rather friendless. I mean, I have them but it’s not the same. At home there’s this pressure on my back and I walk around waiting for the next insult, for the next shot at me. I walk around aloof and with armor out of this incessant fear – and here I go again with the hyperbole – that everyone hates me. It’s a long but not that complicated but I still go around waiting for another something from someone that feels like a smack across the face.
So from Thursday to Sunday? When I could walk into a ballroom or to a floor or just to the side of the room and see people who genuinely loved and cared about me? That smile? It wasn’t bullshit or for show. Or because I was worried about what others might say, it was because usually it takes 17 seconds to walk through a hotel lobby. But I liked that it took an hour. Because I had to stop and see my friends.
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I didn’t sob when I left Chris and Susan on Saturday. It wasn’t like last year when I walked around with wine in a Starbucks cup and tweeted my every tear drop and got all emo and shit while wearing a flannel shirt and listening to Dashboard Confessional. I teared up exactly once, back at the Shutter Suite. When Karen was telling us about her book. I looked at it and she kept repeating, “Is it good? Is it good?” and I couldn’t answer. When I did it was a very serious, “I’m so proud of you”.
Kelly cried. Liz cried. Lucrecer made fun of Kelly’s use of ‘tits’ during our panel and then we laughed hard over wine.
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I’d be remiss not to mention that Lisa – God, how I love her right now, in ways that few understand – brought Ilene Chaiken and Donna Byrd to our session. And they sat there on the edge of their seats – well let’s imagine that there was actually room to sit because um, there wasn’t – and then they chatted with us and I asked Ilene about crazy Jenny Schecter and Donna asked if I had worked at the DNC and how she knew that I will never know and it was all so absurd and surreal that that is probably why I was talking in hyperbole. Because I don’t know about you but this group of women kicked ass and made me think that I should be more spontaneous. And thankful. Very thankful.
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Before going to Chicago, Susan and I discussed how we wanted for BlogHer to go. I wanted to go and get inspired to actually finish my book proposal. To think of new projects. To talk with this group of fucking brilliant women with whom I had some bond. I just sat and talked. There was no running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t feel some pressure to be where everyone else was. I did what I wanted to do and removed myself from the crowds and the din as I saw fit.
I’ve heard it before; that you get out of BlogHer what you put into it. So I did and I got and it was good.
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Flickr set lives here