Evolution

“You cannot help but learn more as you take the world into your hands.  Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it.”  ~John Updike

Thanks be to other outside forces, I popped a klonopin prior to opening this document. Klonopin being a drug in the benzodiazepene family used most commonly for treating anxiety and panic disorders and as a secondary treatment to epilepsy. Then again, there is nothing like the look on your pharmacists face when you get your monthly refill of psychotropic drugs. They speak to you in hushed tones as if I fell on the “psychosis” side of things, ready to burn this mother fucker (a CVS in a tiny town in Upstate NY) down. In turn I speak in normal tones to say, “dude, it’s ok. I promise not to lose my shit up in here. Drugs please”. And so goes life when you’re felled by severe anxiety over any and everything.

I bring this up because long-time readers of the site know that I am fearful of change. If I could preserve the status quo, forever and ever, I’d be ok with that. I’m sure ‘stagnation’ was the first thing Thomas More thought of when he came up with Utopia. Change brings out a shock to my system and on top of change is it’s evil twin Different and their cousin New. No. No. And another emphatic no. It brings out the worst in my rather frail mental state. It’s the reason for why I attend events and spend the first hour(s) standing behind a fake tree pretending to be super important while scrolling. I now have a blackberry and an iPhone. I look like the world’s most pretentious douchebag but at least I won’t have to form sentences in front of strangers.

Do I wish that I wasn’t like this? Of course. My job and my livliehood both depend on my ability to interact successfully with people in a variety of situations. This career path that I have chosen for myself means facing these fears each and everyday. Hence the medication and need to sit out at times just to regroup. I take deep breaths and as if I’m participating in a game of double-dutch, I jump back in. Following the rhythm though cautiously, I’m still in there until the movements come to me and I’m able to move a little bit more freely.

In the next two weeks I’m headed to Chicago and then Utah for conferences that are completely different but depict the two very different sides of my life. Though I still refer to one side as “real life” as if the social media/blogging/writing/non-stop tweeting side of my life is fake. Alas when either side pinches I feel it. I am thrilled to be headed to Utah. It will be my first trip there even though I’ve been dying and promising to go for years. My first concern being that there are no black people there. I mean the last black person there might have been Karl Malone circa the early 1990′s. And one friend acknowledged that quite honestly. “We’re not really diverse. But you’ll like it”. So there’s that also given that I recently survived two weeks in New Hampshire, I think I can handle Utah. Other friends and varied cohorts will be at the EVO conference as well. Despite knowing that I’ll know people there I am still a little on the nervous side because of The New. What if these women hate me? Or find me uninteresting and boring and oh my God, they fell asleep mid-conversation. What if?

Then again new is what I am currently craving. Isn’t that odd? I want a change and different and smaller and to see what other smart people are up to. I’m looking forward to this adventure where I have no agenda other than being able to experience the unfamiliar. Sometimes you need to push yourself towards what makes you uncomfortable. That’s where I have always been able to find myself at my best.

If you’re headed to EVO ’11 please feel free to say hello.