Some Confidence to Go With That Swimsuit

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.”  ~Sophia Loren

I am so embarrassed to admit that last week I lost my shit and sounded exactly someone’s hysterical parent as I threatened to ‘turn this God Damn car around’ and I did. After telling the person on the other end of the phone to fuck off of course. Because if anything when faced with mounting stress, I am one classy woman. So there I was on the side of the road in the middle of the Green Mountains of Vermont, clutching my pearls and saying ‘motherfucker’ between every breath. I survived the ordeal or I should say that we, the person who I offended and I both survived the ordeal to tell the tale but I have hit that crucial moment where people look at me and say “Damn, girl, you could use a break”. In a few weeks I will be taking that break on a Delaware beach sporting this:

Nice, right?

While I am the last woman to show off my swimsuit confidence courtesy of Lands’ End I knew that this was a project that I had to be a part of. You see, many years ago, like 17, I had no swimsuit confidence. I was a chubby 10 year old who constantly found herself in a t-shirt over her swimsuit. This was something I had actually put in the far away corners of my mind but at 27 to look back at my 10 year old self, a still forming little girl, and knowing how embarrassed that little girl was to be seen in a suit in front of her bikini clad friends…well…it’s sad. My heart breaks for that child knowing that eventually her baby fat would be less baby fat and would turn into hips and breasts and curves. Those beautiful things that make women, women. At the time I was also attending Girl Scout camp – for more years than I care to admit – but I was surrounded by these confident counselors and other girls. At first we tried to hide behind towels and to remove our suits from under our clothing. Hoping that no one caught even the slightest glimpse of our bodies. I’d hold a towel in my teeth, my backside in a corner, while maneuvering the straps practically dislocating a shoulder in the process. But at least no one saw my nipple!

And then I stopped caring. I can’t remember when exactly but it just happened. One minute I was giggling at the slightest view of some other campers ass and the next I was regularly changing while carrying out a conversation on the days activities. “We’re going to take the girls to lunch now”, I’d say, hands on my hips and bra less. It was a body and everyone has a body so let’s just roll with it.

That’s how I’ve been ever since. I know my flaws and openly discuss them but when it comes to wearing a bathing suit, I shrug. Yeah, I’ve got cellulite and my hips don’t lie but I never claimed to be Gisele. The beaches I frequent over the summer represent women of all shapes and sizes. Larger, older women, with little skirts do polar bear swims at 7 AM. They’re out there in the cold with the fog rolling across the Nantucket Sound but they look and feel so free. Then there’s brunch on the beach where they’re all out there doing their thing over a plate of quiche. It’s a sight to see but as I see it, they don’t care what they look like so why should I?

Every woman has their hang ups but being in a swimsuit isn’t one of mine. Now if I could get life/work/relationship confidence? That would be awesome. I wonder if Lands End sells any of that.

*Disclaimer: Lands End provided me with this swimsuit as part of their Swimsuit Confidence program. All words and obsession with how awesome my swimsuit looks on me are of my own. But seriously, the ruching makes me happy and they didn’t make me say that*