“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m not the spontaneous type. Or even the type to make decisions without a lot of research, hemming, hawing, a few squints and then probably changing my mind again. It has taken me almost six years to pick out my “perfect” car because I cannot possibly decide between an SUV or a sedan with AWD. And what about the cup holders? Hmm? Decisions make me feel like things are final and once my mind has been made, I’m not allowed to go back. There’s no turning around because once something is done, it’s done. Right?
I’m standing on some mental precipice waiting and deciding. Instead of just doing. It’s the one thing I dislike about myself that I am unable to jump in with both feet. It takes sticking a toe into the water to make sure it’s not too cold. I do this with everything and it helps nothing but does a fine job at hindering. My fear – yes, it’s probably fear – of going into the unknown – yes, it is probably the unknown – prevents me from doing things that would or could be awesome. But I’m too busy worrying to actually do.
Am I making sense?
What if it doesn’t work out? I say. What if they don’t like it? What if I didn’t use the right words or this isn’t the right place or I didn’t do it right? They’ll hate it. This all comes before anything happens and so I spend much of my time gripped by fear by what “they” or even you might say.
Faux Agent tells me to write a book and I am so wrapped up in fear that it will suck that I can’t get more than 10 words on the page.
Everyone tells me to write more about politics, so I do, and yet every time I hit publish I fear that’s too forced and people don’t really care.
Two women ask me to work with them on a project and I fear that they won’t like what I have to offer.
These aren’t the things that change over night. I mean, technically I could say “Fuck it, I’m going to do it. To hell with them” but that wouldn’t be me. I turn 27 in less than a week and while 24 was a complete disaster and 25 and 26 were spent recovering from that disaster, for 27 my only hope – actually, I pray – is to learn to hold my breath, count to ten and then jump in. I’m smiling because I really, truly think I can.
5 Comments
If you end up like me…39 years old and saying the same things you’re saying now…I’m going to kick your ass.
Jump, Heather. The decisions you make will be the right ones, because they’re the ones you made. I am not one to look back or regret, but in our most recent leap, to come live overseas, we have had some major, horrible setbacks that forced us to think, and even say, “Man…what if we hadn’t…” My response to that is always the same. We made the decision, now it’s up to us to make it the right one. Life is too short for regret, Girl!
Aaaaaaannnd….I don’t know how to use the html tags properly. “Because” was the only thing supposed to be in italics. Dang it.
Honey, if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not really living. We learn from our failures. That’s the best education out there. My leap test is: if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, would I die sorry I didn’t try this?
You might want to read The Paradox of Choice. When I read it, I immediately thought of my husband. He read it and is much better now about always looking for the “perfect.”
Also, give it a couple more years. Your “hesitation” will begin to feel more like “thoughtfulness” when it’s coupled with the assurance that comes with hitting your stride in your 30′s. Really. Now that I’m staring down the next couple of years on the way to 40, I can tell you the 30′s are a wonderful confidence boost. You’re no longer considered a kid and the world starts to treat you like a bona fide adult. And suddenly you start to feel like one and operate as if you’ve always been one
I loved this. I found your twitter a few days ago, and then discovered your blog and have been stalking you a bit ever since.
Couldn’t sleep tonight – not sure what it is, exactly, but just couldn’t, and I was thankful for your Emerson quote.
Been on a bit of a precipice myself. Graduating, making some big changes, and holding my breath while all of my friends in DC tell me to get my ass out there, job or no job.
I had something to write about it tonight, thanks to your quote.
Good luck with jumping in!
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[...] (At least, I think it’s a lack of decisiveness, but I’m not entirely sure.) Then again, the fear of buyer’s remorse can keep you, not only from buying, but from even show… It has taken me almost six years to pick out my “perfect” car because I cannot [...]