“There’s a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.” ~Pearl Bailey
One of my colleagues recently had a baby. Well he didn’t have a baby but his wife had a baby but you get what I mean. He works from home and with the newborn we have been meeting at his house. After our meetings I announce, “I’m going to hold your baby”. I pick up said newborn and talk to her in my baby voice, asking, ‘who’s the ‘cutest wittle baby in da world?!?’ I do this enough to get her – The Divine Miss E. – to eek out a half smile. I hold her until she gets creaky and cranky and pass her off to one of her parental units because far be it for me to get shrieked at for whatever babies get upset about. Air? Wind? Being looked at funny? Being looked at in general? AIR? Regardless little does my colleague know that though yes it is convenient to meet at his house the real reason – and I’ve been waffling back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to say this out loud – well, the real reason that I like to meet at his house is because there’s a baby at his house.
A baby. A little snuggly, cuddly baby. And as of late babies have had this odd affect on me. I see a baby and it feels like my ovaries and uterus are going mutiny. My lady bits are standing there ready to charge. Fists a-blazing ready to go. What it feels like is my lady parts are on PST and I’m on EST and currently our clocks ain’t synching.
Ya’ll I seem to have developed an intense biological need to procreate.
Mother. Fucker.
This is funny. As in HA fucking HA funny because my mother never had this need. I could mention all of this to her and she’d ask if I were high. She wasn’t all that into kids in the first place and then she had me and she realized, ‘Eh, they’re not so bad’ and so she had Garrett. Me? Oh ho ho. I will make this as short and sweet as possible but I recently told my friend Alana that I wanted to have a baby. Not today. God no but then I presented a very strategic time line not based on my life but on actual rational arguments. I expected to be laughed out of the restaurant and she actually told me that it was GOOD that I was thinking of this NOW and that it was GOOD that I am prepared in this way. And then she proceeded to point out all of the glorious things that parenthood brings. Like wiping someones ass and being woken up at 5 fucking thirty in the morning and that intense pain of loving some little bald person more than yourself. So much that your heart might explode.
Alana said that having a kid is something that you have to do without thinking. There’s no preparation. You just jump and hope there’s a safety net and you land. I’ve never admitted this as fully as I am right now. I’ve said it out loud and casually but I want that pain and torture. I’m shocked and obviously unprepared and no, this will not be occurring anytime soon. But! But. I want to jump because someway, somehow I know that it will be worth it.
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First of all, how much do I love that you quoted my beloved Pearl Bailey? Secondly, isn’t the baby thing WEIRD? I was going about my business, with having kids in the “definitely someday, probably mid-thirties” compartment, and then when I was 25 my body (without my permission, mind) shunted it into the compartment for “NOW! NOW! URGENT! NOW!”
Truly unnerving and unexpected and my life took off along a path I honestly hadn’t foreseen, but…yeah. I’m pretty happy. Even with my child standing across from me wearing my best bra around her neck (WTF?) and smacking my feet with a xylophone mallet. Aint we got fun!
Because when you quiet them after they explode over nothing, and you are the only person in the world that can calm them, you experience nirvana.
Alexa – It is just so odd. Like obviously none of this having children business will be happening soon because I sometimes forget to feed my cat and other times I can’t help but drink the entire bottle of wine. And yet my body suddenly thinks that if I do not have children tomorrow I WILL EXPLODE. But I’m still rational enough to say “fuck that noise” and know that it will pass but…wowzer…hormones.
Amanda – Oh, I’m convinced that it will be the most amazing experience ever. I’m just shocked at the way my body responds to a baby.
It must be the age, because I’m 27 and holding a kid makes me feel something different than I’ve ever felt before.
I honestly never expected less from you. You’re a natural with kids; you’re cute and smart (cute and smart people have an OBLIGATION to procreate); and you’re a hero to babies across the country, nay around the world! It’s really only just a matter of time, Heather. Resistance is futile.
I was 27 when it hit, not coincidentally when my nephew was born. I have to say, though, I’m glad I let it pass – especially as I watch him torture my sister now during his teen years! Our puppies don’t mind when I drink the whole bottle of wine.
Heather, I love you, because when you described your mother, you described me. I NEVER heard the tiniest tick from my biological clock.
And honestly, this whole mommyblogging phenomenon was making me feel like a freak.
I love this post, Heather. I think Alana is a wise woman. (And so are you!)
Aw, you ol’ softy!
When I was 25, one of my co-workers had a baby and I remember holding that little child and saying, “I want one.” I had never said that before. Something just clicked. Now I have two.
I loved reading this but for a totally different reason than most other people. Hearing this made me feel more confident about the fact that I DON’T have kids — I’m 30 and have been married for 6 years, and I don’t have ANY of those feelings. Like, at all. I don’t hate babies or kids or anything. I play with them and cuddle them and all that jazz, but … yeah, zero desire to have one of my own. That might make me a little weird, and maybe even a bit cold, but it makes me feel like I’m being smart to hold off until I DO have some of those feelings, you know?
It isn’t weird that you are having these feelings. And it isn’t weird that Kristen doesn’t have them. Everyone is different. Not every woman wants to or should procreate. My sister-in-law Sandra has been married for 21 years. They never had children because they didn’t want them. Noone thought they were crazy. But then I guess you would have to know Sandra.
I keep meaning to write about this and then something more important comes up; but what I enjoy about life and being human is that we get to make choices based on what is best for us as individuals.
I don’t think it’s weird to have these feelings just as I don’t think it’s weird that Kristen doesn’t. In fact, I find it amusing because I have never, ever felt the inclination or want or need for that matter, to get married. Nope. Not for me. And yet here I am with the whole ‘baby. Baby? BABY!’ thing in my head but marriage is the furthest thing from what I’m thinking.
So like I said, I love that what might work for me might not work for another.
I just started my OB rotation. Labor/delivery….fine, no problems. Nursery, oh hell no. I thought my lady bits were going to burst. I’ve never felt any sort of procreation pang until that moment…a sweet baby, just hours old, full head of black hair and big brown eyes. I didn’t know what to think…all I could do was laugh to myself. I sent my husband a text. His response: “Welcome to my world. I’ve been here for a while, waiting for you to join me.”
We’ve been married for 5 years. I’m 35. Who’s got some thinking to do: this girl!
Oh man. So worth it. GERONIMO!
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