The Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Scrambled Egos”

“Don’t be tardy for the party…” – Kim (duh)

The other day Kristin announced that she couldn’t wait for my recap of this episode because 20 minutes in and it’s already ridiculous. Why on Earth would she find this show to be ridiculous?

This calls for some whiskey, a tango and then the foxtrot:

6) I tried really hard to get a good shot of the monstrosity that Kim was wearing to Kandi’s studio. There were layers and petticoats and then Kim was all, “Oh my word, I declare I cannot sing right now” and then Kandi started singing and tapping. At least that’s how it all went down in my head. All I can think is Scarlet O’Hara Barbie. With flashing boobies to make it more realistic and 21st century.

5) This tool.

I’d like to punch him in the face. Or duct tape his mouth shut. To the men reading; the way to a girl’s heart is not by mentioning how much you hate fancy restaurants and how much steak you can get at Costco for 10 dollars.

4) I think we need to mention Lisa’s fashion line only because She by Sheree premiered at Fashion Week. While I in no way approved of Lisa’s line because I still believe this dress should be a shirt.

Then again, my thighs touch and I have child-birthing hips, ergo that dress is not meant for people like me. But Sheree’s line…I…don’t know what to say because it was just a hot mess. It was horrendous. And I’m trying to figure out how this particular frock sported by Sheree is even remotely sexy. Though I did once have an ex tell me that wearing a turtleneck made my boobs look better but he turned out to be an asshole fucktard (and I am not bitter at all) so I buck against turtlenecks. And I buck against this particular dress with those shoes. And everyone else reading the Essence blog bucked too. We’re a bunch of motherbuckers.

3)  While NeNe doesn’t want to be in the music industry it seems that she’s looking forward to working on this song with Kim. It was the plan. I scratch my head at the things that Kim does and at this point I figure why even bother? She does what she wants when she wants to and notice how all of this ‘negative energy’ she feels around others, oh sweet Kim, you’re the common denominator.

2) Most of the time I feel like I’m the only one watching this show. I couldn’t figure out why Kim was so nervous about singing in the studio. I mean there are only three other people in the room? No one will ever hear this. And then I remember that 7 million people will also be watching this so yeah, I’d be pukified as well.

It is possible for Hell to freeze over because I’m sitting here commiserating with Kim. Like she really wants to sing but is afraid of the judgment and past experiences and she seems kind of passionate about it. Ok passionate in a Kim way which is to say ‘la dee da. Someone else can do it for me’ but whatever there’s a bit of passion there. It’s easy to get into Kim’s head since there seems to be not much in there but it seems to me that her nerves stem from being presented with this great opportunity and she might fuck it up. Understandable after last year’s shitstorm with Dallas Austin and Miss Jan who told her that she didn’t know what she was doing. There was no encouragement or positive anything. Then again when Miss Jan told her what she could do to improve her voice Kim ignored that advice and then was laughed at on national television. This time around she has Kandi (have I mentioned how much I love, love, love her?) with her who seems to be a hell of a lot more encouraging and wanting for Kim to be successful and because Kim is so used to being told she’s shit – in the music business but I’m sure we’ll talk wigs at some point in the near future – she’s ‘nervous as hell’. And here I am saying that I totally understand the anxiety that envelops one after being presented with a great opportunity. You totally feel like you’re going to fuck it up. Even if those offering say, “you’ll be swell! you’ll be great!” you still feel like downing an entire bottle of klonopin.

Kim, girl, I feel you. It doesn’t make you any less of a shitty friend for not telling NeNe that you didn’t want her to do the song with you but I feel you. And Kandi is correct: You want to the spotlight on you – which you got by the way – just admit to yourself what the rest of America already knows.

1) The alter ego photoshoot party has to be one of the best reality television show moments. Kim falls, which isn’t funny because unless you’re evil or Sheree, you don’t want to see someone fall on their ass and probably break their ankle. So the fall? Not funny. Kim’s orgasmic sounding groans post fall? Fucking hilarious. It was so good that I figured you all should witness it for yourself to full embrace the noise and theatrics that came from Kim who looked and sounded like a comatose baby seal. I mean if I were in that much pain, I’d think fuck the photos, take me to a hospital. But I keep forgetting that this is Kim we’re speaking of and she’s quite excellent at reality show theatrics. If the singing doesn’t work out she can always just be herself on television for the rest of her life.

Did you hear that ‘uhhh, unhhh, uhhh’ noise? She fell down, walked to her car and all of that activity spurred an orgasm. I love this show.

I loved these photos.