Why yes I went to college but clearly I learned nothing.

“Money is a headache, and money is the cure.”  ~Everett Mámor

In college I was that asshole who would call people during dinner to see if you – an alumni – would like to give something back to the school. Oh you don’t want to give? Well just pledge a small amount…Yes! Even a dollar so I can get my nightly bonus and spend it all on cheap handles of gin which a) Burns your esophagus and b) I’m too young to drink anyway but that doesn’t matter because my fake ID says otherwise.

I’m realizing that the point of Very Expensive University is so that you can say that you went to Very Expensive University and then Very Expensive University can provide you a good but not so much worth $40,000 of education. And then you can take the education and the diploma from Very Expensive University and get an excellent job that pays actual money and then Very Expensive University can call you while you’re in the middle of 5,000 jumps with a motherfucking jumprope and while your calves are cramping up you answer the phone and its some 19 year old from Very Expensive University wanting you to pledge as little as $10 and you really want to tell the 19 year old that while Very Expensive University provides an excellent education and people will think you are very smart they do not teach How to Budget 101 which is why you currently have $8 to your name IN QUARTERS. And though learning about Adam Smith and widgets is fascinating, it isn’t going to help you when it comes to figuring out how to dislodge Bank of America from your ass.

Enjoy college though! It really was so much fun.