The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Episode 3 – Unbeweavable

“Well, I’m surprised because last year you thought you guys were twins. You know, twins” – NeNe

 

Only if you were watching this episode and could hear the inflection and intonation of NeNe’s words that were only thinly veiled by sarcasm would you understand the hilarity of such a sentiment. Because Sheree and Kim did think they were twins last year but during a so-called apology after the former attempted to pull the hair of the latter; it might not be the best time to bring up last year’s Kim and Sheree hey day. 

 

Now can we all recall where we left off? With Kim storming out of the restaurant while the echos of her succinct, “Go fuck yourself, Sheree” reverberated through out the dining room and to the ears of the patrons. Bravo had it all set up with the audience waiting on hind legs like a kid on Christmas morning to see what would surely be an epic battle. Something Middle Earth-esque. Instead what we got was Sheree and Kim screaming at the top of their lungs and then Sheree says, “Oh! I ain’t got no class?! You better wait a minute” and of course she shows off all that class and debutante behavior by grabbing Kim’s hair. 

 

 

Sheree, you are the classiest person I ever done seen. 

 

Even NeNe thought that Sheree would pull Kim’s hair for a second there. Shit, we ALL did. Raise your hand if you were doing the ‘I hope the bitch pulls her weave off dance’? Though Sheree maintains that she didn’t want to pull it off but to “shift it a little”. Because shifting is classier than pulling. Remember that, kids. 

 

NeNe remains utterly shocked at the turn of events. 

 

 

“Boom” is right, NeNe. 

 

This entire episode had no real flow, rhyme or reason. It was just let’s throw something together that will last a full hour and end on a semi-high note. Though the overwhelming theme of obliviousness was prevalent. I’m confused how so many dumbfounded people live in a 10 mile radius of one another. They always looked shocked as shit. 

 

Kind of like this: 

 

 

Or incredulous like this: 

 

 

 

The first photo is of T-Boz. You remember T-Boz right? of T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili? Ok then. She and Kandi are apparently BFF and that is the face she made when she found out just how many baby mamas Kandi’s fiancee has (*cough* FOUR *cough*). It’s actually fun to watch if you’re bored:

 

T-Boz

 

T-Boz finding out about the baby mamas

 

And again:

 

T-Boz

 

T-Boz finding out about the baby mamas. 

 

Fun! Right?

 

And because the show just kept going off on tangents I’m just going to do a top *8* things that made me go all whiskey tango foxtrot: 

 

Dwight throws himself a birthday party: Not shocking. 

 

Dwight throws himself a birthday party and feels up Kandi: A little shocking. 

 

7) I’m always surprised when production starts and the newest housewife has yet to meet the other housewives. I find it odd but I guess it gives that wee bit of reality that Bravo needs to continue to refer to this as a ‘reality’ television show. So I get it. Kandi meets Sheree for the first time. And Kandi doesn’t drink because she has control issues and doesn’t want to be out somewhere and have someone see her ‘acting a fool’. Sheree then notes how alike she and Kandi are because you know how Sheree is all ‘reserved’ and ‘quiet’. 

 

Here’s Sheree being reserved AND quiet. 

 

 

6) Lisa wants to start a fashion line called ‘Closet Freak’. Sheree finds out and of course she must let the world know that Lisa is no real designer. I mean she is only funding the operation and isn’t actually designing the line herself so obviously she is no designer. And then she emotes self-righeousness. Then she calls up her designer and the person sewing her clothes in New York City. 

 

 

Pot meet kettle. Neither of you would be contestants on Project Runway. The end. 

 

5) Kim is a total caricature of Kim. Someone asked me last week why I was always hating on Kim and it’s not that I’m hating on her it’s just that she’s so full of shit that it’s hard not to notice. Look! She’s even starting to smell her bullshit herself! Clearly I am not the only one. 

 

She continues to expect things to just happen with the swipe of her credit card. She doesn’t feel like going to the gym so she pays $3,000 for someone to boil the fat in her ass (her words, not mine). She is of the mindset that she doesn’t have to do anything and the money will just come to her and can sit on her impatient, Chardonnay drinking, ass. Which fine. It’s just gaudy and annoying to watch. But it makes good television and I come back week after week to find out what asinine thing she’ll do today. 

 

4) FOUR BABY MAMAS. FOUR. FOURRRRRR. 

 

 

3) How most people introduce themselves, “Hi, my name is [X]. How are you?” How Sheree’s friend Tania introduces herself to NeNe “I got room to go AND be your size one day”. How Sheree’s friend Tania introduces herself to Lisa “You gotta do something with all of this” as she waves a hand at Lisa’s hair. (Note to all the black people out there: You know she’s just jealous. I mean shit…) 

 

2) NeNe, boo, I love you dearly. But put the girls away. Just for a minute.

 

 

 

1) At my previous job a friend and I would play a game where if you only could choose two things to dip into a chocolate fountain, what would those two things be? If we were being healthy that week it would be bananas and strawberries. If we had just left Five Guys and thinking of Matchbox for dinner the answer would be anywhere from pretzels to pound cake to my entire damn head, that’s what. 

 

Anyway, remember my post of last week when I was debating what to do about my housewarming party? Two words: Chocolate Fountain. 

 

 

Also it will be a stock the bar party and I will send my wish list to my parents. At least I can be classy on the outside, SHEREE.