“Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It’s that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don’t have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it’s like you just look at the wackness, ya know?” – Stephanie Squires
Immediately after our Room of Your Own session on Saturday, I walked up to the Shutter Suite and flopped down on the couch. I did that thing I do when I’m hypomanic which is to talk and keep talking and gesticulate wildly and smile and feel my heart going at a speed that is more conducive to sprinting through the Adirondacks than having an actual conversation. A conversation where one person talks and then the other but I was too busy talking for everyone. Tracey asked me how it went. How was I doing?
“I’m really, really happy”.
The smile on my face as contagious and she smiled just as widely back at me, “How did the session go?”
“It was perfect. Everything was so, so perfect. I feel great right now. I’m so happy”
“That’s how you should feel”
***
There’s hyperbole above. The double ‘really’, the double ‘so’. But I was I was genuinely happy on Saturday. I was genuinely happy everyday.
***
Alexa and I were talking over sidecars and grey goose about our lack of friends at home. I am rather friendless. I mean, I have them but it’s not the same. At home there’s this pressure on my back and I walk around waiting for the next insult, for the next shot at me. I walk around aloof and with armor out of this incessant fear – and here I go again with the hyperbole – that everyone hates me. It’s a long but not that complicated but I still go around waiting for another something from someone that feels like a smack across the face.
So from Thursday to Sunday? When I could walk into a ballroom or to a floor or just to the side of the room and see people who genuinely loved and cared about me? That smile? It wasn’t bullshit or for show. Or because I was worried about what others might say, it was because usually it takes 17 seconds to walk through a hotel lobby. But I liked that it took an hour. Because I had to stop and see my friends.
***
I didn’t sob when I left Chris and Susan on Saturday. It wasn’t like last year when I walked around with wine in a Starbucks cup and tweeted my every tear drop and got all emo and shit while wearing a flannel shirt and listening to Dashboard Confessional. I teared up exactly once, back at the Shutter Suite. When Karen was telling us about her book. I looked at it and she kept repeating, “Is it good? Is it good?” and I couldn’t answer. When I did it was a very serious, “I’m so proud of you”.
Kelly cried. Liz cried. Lucrecer made fun of Kelly’s use of ‘tits’ during our panel and then we laughed hard over wine.
***
I’d be remiss not to mention that Lisa – God, how I love her right now, in ways that few understand – brought Ilene Chaiken and Donna Byrd to our session. And they sat there on the edge of their seats – well let’s imagine that there was actually room to sit because um, there wasn’t – and then they chatted with us and I asked Ilene about crazy Jenny Schecter and Donna asked if I had worked at the DNC and how she knew that I will never know and it was all so absurd and surreal that that is probably why I was talking in hyperbole. Because I don’t know about you but this group of women kicked ass and made me think that I should be more spontaneous. And thankful. Very thankful.
***
Before going to Chicago, Susan and I discussed how we wanted for BlogHer to go. I wanted to go and get inspired to actually finish my book proposal. To think of new projects. To talk with this group of fucking brilliant women with whom I had some bond. I just sat and talked. There was no running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t feel some pressure to be where everyone else was. I did what I wanted to do and removed myself from the crowds and the din as I saw fit.
I’ve heard it before; that you get out of BlogHer what you put into it. So I did and I got and it was good.
***
14 Comments
Heather, I did even get to say hi to you at BlogHer, although I think I caught a glimpse of you at one point. Sorry I missed you–you would have made my day.
The smile when I saw you was genuine. Thank you for letting me stalk you. I love your wit and honesty and self-deprecation. Quite simply, I love your writing.
I hope in NYC, you and I can finally sit down and have that drink. You’re one of the people I most want to have a conversation with.
I did not get enough of you. It was always in passing, me whining about being too damn short and you teasing me about being hopeless with new fangled technology.
Not enough. You’re utterly loveable. I’ll see you in New York. xo
Holy crap, you called me brilliant. It’s not true but I’ll take it. I loved meeting you. So glad I found you talking to Alexa and it sure seems like you have a buttload of good friends from where I’m standing.
Not at BlogHer, but I feel compelled to comment just to say I love that quote from The Wackness, and yes, Ketel One instead of Mr. Potato Head any day.
“I’ve heard it before; that you get out of BlogHer what you put into it. So I did and I got and it was good.”
This is exactly how I felt about it this year too. I put in more than I did before, put myself out there more, and came home energized and satisfied and full. It was good.
HB, this is so kick ass to hear. Makes me so sad I missed it.
Sounds like a great trip! It’s posts like these that inspire me to try to go next year.
Heather, I am so glad I had the opportunity to really chat with you and laugh with you and finally understand why I think you are so absolutely fabulous. I feel you on not having a million friends and thinking you are the outlander, but coming to this kind of conference and being around people who genuinely care about you is something I treasure every year.
And, Kelly’s comments about logos and tits just about did me in. I don’t think I have ever laughed that hard at a conference. I do hope we continue to keep in touch and the session kicked ass! One of my highlights of the weekend.
I was so proud to escort Donna and Ilene in to enjoy the terrific panel you moderated — they were very interested to hear the discussion. Bravo! You, Karen, Stefania and Kelly rocked the house. Thank you. And congrats.
oh this makes me so happy too.
Your panel was one of my favorites of the weekend and the Shutter Sisters suite was filled with amazing, interesting women. I wish the camaraderie I felt this weekend was something that followed me home on the plane, too.
It was great to see you as always Heather. I loved seeing that smile, too.