Excuse me, Miss, did you know that there are boobs on your skirt?

“Clothes are never a frivolity:  they always mean something. ” ~James Laver

So when I lived in Spain there was this store I loved called Desigual. They had all that cool stuff that was kind of off beat and perfect for pretending to be European and then when people commented on where you got that great skirt you could say, “Oh, in Spain” and be one of those obnoxious people who talk about their trips to Europe all the live long day.

While in NY a few weeks ago I thought my eyes were deceiving me when I saw a Desigual right there in SoHo. “Joy!”, I thought, “I will go in there and see what they’ve got”. I figured a skirt would be nice so a skirt I purchased and tra la la’d my way to dinner.

I finally wore the skirt on July 4th. It was cool and abstract and something you couldn’t find just anywhere. There was no reason to try to understand the design because It just is. That’s art. Alana thought it was cute. She even said so. And I was like thanks, you’re cute too. Nothing makes you feel good like a skirt that’s fun when you’re normally wandering around in the same jersey knit dresses as every other Suburbanite.

On Wednesday I was looking for something other than a dress for work and figured Hey! My awesomely fantastic skirt will do! I was all excited. I sauntered into thinking nothing of it. I was in a good mood. I looked good. I felt all bad ass and shit.

I even went to my mother’s side of the office to chat up with a coworker when my mother came around the corner.

“Cute skirt”

“thanks! I got it from this Spanish store I found in SoHo!”

“Wait, what’s that on it?”

“…” I look down. “Nothing. I don’t even know”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate for work”

“What?”

“That would be perfect for outside of the office or on Martha’s Vineyard but not in the office”

“Why???” I asked both perplexed and incredulous. Why is that woman always trying to harsh my buzz?

“Heather, that’s a little too risque”

“WHAT?”

I go into my mother’s office.

“Don’t you see that? That the people on your skirt are anatomically correct?”

I look down at my skirt. I look closer. I can feel my entire face burning up.

“Do you see the penis?”

“Oh shit!”

“Do you see the breasts?”

“OH SHIT!”

My mother laughs hysterically at how cute an naive I am to not have noticed that there is a very graphic love scene being portrayed on my outfit.

I keep saying “OH SHIT” and she keeps laughing.

I run out of her office and call Alana to say, “Hey, ummm, did you notice anything odd about my skirt the other day?”

“No, why? Was it on backwards”

“THERE ARE BOOBS AND A DICK ON MY SKIRT”

“Oh, I thought it was just cool and abstract”

So did I.

(Click on the photos so you can see exactly where everything is placed)

I called Susan to be like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE’S PORN ON MY SKIRT”

“You should wear it at BlogHer” she replied after snorting and doing that laughing so hard it’s silent routine

“Oh yes”

“I can be like, ‘One of my friends has porn on her skirt, the other has seven kids. Which one freaks you out more?’

If you’re looking for me on Thursday I’ll be the one going around saying check out the boobs I’ve got going on below my waist.