It’s not you, it’s me

“Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another.”  ~Arthur Christopher

BensonI’ve quit one job only to return and grovel – hands and knees on gravel – for my job back. I’ve probably threatened to quit every single job I’ve had ever because my first inclination is to cut and run. I’ve only successfully quit once and that is why I am now living in Upstate New York searching for cars with 4WD because there’s no way in hell I plan on quitting again. The emotional stress that it causes and the fretting and worrying about burning bridges and the lag time between paychecks. It’s all enough for me to start buying benzodiazepines in bulk and talk to them lovingly as if they’re my only friends.

I’m not good with the quitting because it can seem so final even if it isn’t. Even if something bigger and better is out there I still feel the tugging in my heart and it hurts to swallow as if this one decision is the be all, end all of my entire life. I’m not quitting anything. Promise. And there is nothing worse than sweeping declarations that I am leaving and there’s nothing else left here for me along with some Scarlet O’Hara type performance. [puts hand to forehead and faints]While I am sure as shit not quitting I am taking a slight break to get my shit together.

Here comes some great convoluted story as to why and there really isn’t one. I was presented with an opportunity and I have been shit and getting it done. Instead of taking the bull by the horns I’ve been all lackadaisical about it. There are of course superfluous issues like a renewed focus and vision for the job that actually provides me with a 401(K), a sense of unease after saying something that hurt a very dear friend of mine and the fear that I will not be forgiven for it and also do you really need to hear more about that time I drank [insert hard liquor or wine of choice here] and did [insert blindingly stupid thing here]? No. Even I’ve tired of myself a bit and I’d like 30 solid days to regroup and rid myself of an incessant need to obsess about bullshit.

It comes at quite an interesting time because it’s so not you, it’s me. I know that it isn’t you, dear Internet after the outpouring of support and generosity that came forth from your fingertips for the lovely Spohrs. And that is what helped drive this decision for right here and now; life is too short to sit around and observe it so that I can craft a paragraph or two for later. Life is good for the actual living not the sitting around and thinking of such.

The other day my friend Alice told me that I was loved and I burst into tears. Not because I was thankful but because I’m not feeling it. Which has nothing to do with anyone else except for how I perceive my life and myself. And as of late I haven’t been enjoying my life, myself, or anything that I do. Which is a big fucking problem; for if you can’t find a reason for why people – especially your friends – should love you then what is the point?

I’ve been thinking too much and taking everything way too God damn seriously. Sometimes it’s good to step back, look around and say, “I’ve got it so fucking good”.

You’ll be the first ones to receive that missive just as soon as I get there.

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I’ll still update with posts in other places because while I need to take time away from posting here I still need to get paid.

This week on BlogHer:

Urban Interns

While I can only base this on personal experience but I do think that internships and those first jobs – even the most inane that include ‘Xeroxing’ as a skill – are a solid foundation for a career. Living in DC for six years all of which were spent attempting to build some sort of career even if it meant enjoying hors d’oeuvres at fundraisers because they were free and free lukewarm calamari is way better than Ramen; presented me with options.

Recession Hair

The cost of my hair? 80$ every four to five months. This includes hair product and price gouging at CVS for bobby pins of various sizes. Other than that, I trim it myself and I don’t really think about it. Ultimately it has been the right choice for me and I’ve totally blocked out the three months when it was a horrible frizzy mess and I wore a headband every single day.