“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
“I had saved my tears for seven DC blocks. Not regular Manhattan blocks but long ass, L’Enfant designed blocks. I got to the hotel, grabbed a Grey Goose and tonic and went upstairs with these deep breaths. Upon arrival though it was over. Something else was inside of my chest and it stomped right on top of you. You were crushed and spattered across my torso. I felt parts of you escape up my throat forcing more tears because how could something so intangible, just a simple feeling, hurt that much?”
13 Comments
Oh Heather, that just ripped me up. That is all. xo
Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. And I hope you are ok now.
How am I supposed to go to sleep tonight when you need someone to listen and I’m just here like everything’s all regular and fine? That writing of yours makes the pain completely tangible to me. Wish I could help…
My god, what a post. Like a buzzer.
(that’s not enough to say, when there’s also “this sucks” and “thinking of you”, but might it make that heart at least feel that much more heard to have someone say what a crackerjack piece of writing this is?)
You will know when to risk heartbreak – the right person, I mean. You will not be able to say no… at least in my experience. I had forgotten how physical heartbreak could be. Someday you will too.
You all are lovely. And this happened forever ago. And by ‘forever’ I mean April 15th, but who’s counting? Anyway, it was good to get it out and now I feel better. So, thank you.
You just said what I couldn’t in two years of therapy. Your words could have absolutely come from me and my heart. As I’ve tried to explain (which I now know, unless you’ve been through it, there is NO way to adequately do the explanation justice). My 30 second version was: 1) It nearly killed me, 2) I couldn’t put two sentences together, and 3) I feel bad I wasn’t more understanding when “this” happened to my friends. As the saying goes…when you know better, you do better. I’m glad you made it and I’m sorry you were hurt.
Excellent post and apology. I should do the same.
What a beautiful post. I just want to hug you and give you some more vodka.
that was tragically lovely. xo
The reward will be great when it is meant to be. You probably hate me for saying that. You probably want to rip my words off the screen and throw them on the floor and stomp on them and spit on them then pick them up and throw them off an eight-story building. I only know this because I was once a heap on a floor and people said that to me. I hated them and their stupid theories. I still curse them for being right.
The reward will be great. It just sucks having to claw your way to get it.
You. Write. Beautifully.
Yep. Ditto what everyone else said and also? I was that girl – also on a floor in a hotel in DC. Literally. The flashback in my head reading this was still wrenching. I’m so sorry. It was a few years back and yet I still have this reaction. Obviously my heart is still working on forgiving me.
I hope yours accepts your apology!