“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” ~Golda Meir
January has been a bitch. Correction, I have been January’s bitch and feel free to insert any insinuation of bending over and grabbing one’s ankles. That’s how January has been to me and I don’t think that January knows the meaning of the word ‘gentle’. Or ‘lubrication’ for that matter.
In the middle of putting on my earrings this morning my mother called and then texted. With one earring in and only one sock in sight, she informed me that my grandmother – her mother – is dying. “She’s taken a turn for the worse”, were the exact words. Phrasing like that makes me think that we’re trapped in Ma and Pa Ingalls kitchen while Mary battles scarlet fever. But there I was half dressed and discombobulated when my lip started to tremble and again…the tears.
Though at least it was something tangible as opposed to the tears of yore that were due to a dip in the bipolar spectrum. This time there was something I could put my finger on; the possible death of a grandparent which inevitably tosses me in the murky water of contemplating mortality. That of my parents and then of my mother’s sister. My mother’s sister who was reading “Peaceful Dying” on Christmas Eve. When I brought the choice of literature up to my mother she answered matter of factly, “Well she’s dying, Heather.”
She’s a stoic one, my mother. While I have to allow every feeling in, circulate, process and then dispel in a very elaborate way she seems to just take things as they are. These things happen she says and she tells me that I should feel lucky to have had grandparents for as long as I did. It’s just words and doesn’t mask that feeling of heartbreak which thrusts every memory so that it presses against my forehead. It gives me a headache to know that she is hurting; her sister is dying, her mother is dying and she still needs to take care of me.
A little over a month ago my older brothers’ mother died. It was unfathomable that their mother died and yet they were ok. Able to walk and talk and function. When I called our father he said that very soon we would go over what to do in the event of his death. And it made me angry – this all makes me so angry – how matter of fact both of my parents can be. It makes me feel like maybe I’m not theirs because of how deeply I feel. But even more, I’m just livid that it happens; that our parents will leave and no one tells you that the mere thought will make your heart tighten and ache and the pain will radiate to every limb but all you can do is cry.
25 Comments
I’m so sorry, sweetie. Big hugs to you and prayers for your family.
I understand and you have my sympathy and empathy. It all makes me want time to stand still. Because losing a loved one hurts like nothing else and the lingers for a long time. *love*
Oh dear, I am so sorry. Your words here are beautiful.
Oh Heather –
I don’t comment very often, but I wanted to say I’m so, so, so fucking sorry. That you’ve had such a difficult time of life lately (and yeah, January is a bitch) and of course that your family is facing the end of your beloved grandmother’s life. It’s all so damn hard. I just wanted you to know that I (and I know hundreds if not thousands more) are reading and listening and here for you in the limited way some of us can be. I know you have amazing friends in your life; let them help you. Big non-creepy stranger hugs to you…
I’m so, so sorry.
Oh, love. I am so sorry.
Mt grandparents were not close to me (Physically or emotionally), but I still felt the loss when they left.
The thought of losing a parent (also not close in any regard) makes me nauseous.
Love and prayers to you and yours.
“My” grandparents. Sheesh.
I am so sorry about your grandmother, Heather.
I just lost my dad, very suddenly, in December. I have lost a child and even that didn’t prepare me for losing a parent. It is tough, tough shit to contemplate but please take your dad up getting all ducks in a row before the fact; handling details like arrangements for your own parent should be illegal because well, grieving folks just shouldn’t have to make choices and decisions in the moment.
Again, so sorry about your grandmother and also for your brothers recent loss.
I’m so sorry. You say that your mom, “still needs to take care of me.” This is not a burden to her, I can almost assure you. Nothing soothes a mother like soothing her child. I hope that gives you a little comfort.
Just read your latest tweet. For some reason replying on there seemed so less heartfelt… but I am truly thinking of you and your family.
xoxoxox
Heather, I am so sorry for what your family is/has been going through. Don’t really have words, just need to let you know you’re in my thoughts.
I’m thinking of you today, and hoping you are doing OK. Losing people close to you just plain sucks. I’m so sorry.
I’m so, so sorry!
You are in my thoughts….and I feel what you feel- that wonder over how you can feel so much when it seems like others don’t- or handle it better- whatever the case, know that you are being prayed for.
My mom handles death extremely well. It kind of drives me crazy that I can’t accept things (life) the way she does. Maybe it’s because she’s been through so much…really, SO much…that she knows death can bring peace you can’t ever get otherwise. I don’t know. All I know is that I wish I could control the tears, the wailing, the snot, the way she does.
With all my heart, I’m sorry for your loss.
My mom is the opposite—she fell apart as my father began to die. Over the nine months it took, she melted. I am the stoic in our family.
Nothing can prepare you for the death of your parent. I’m hoping you don’t have to brace yourself for that, and offering up my prayers for you and your mom as you cope with whatever comes next for your aunt and grandmother.
Peace to you.
Heather B.
How could I possibly process the loss of 2 Grandfathers, 2 Grandmothers, My MOM, My SISTER, My BROTHER, as well as various Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Friends? So I think God does help us somehow. Because I just can’t think of it all. Your best memories will carry you through anything. I’m so sorry – I wish you peace in your heart.
I’m so sorry.
Only one word fits and that is…Sorry.
Heather,
I am so sorry. It will get better though. You know it will because you have already had some horrible moments that you did not think you could live through, yet somehow you did. Just hang in there.
I am so sorry for your lousy month. I was 29 when my last Grandparent passed, and six years and two children later I still think of my Grandma with tears in my eyes. But, at least I am no longer weeping daily. Weirdly, the earth kept turning even without her here. You will make it.
Heather, I am so sorry and am thinking of you and yours.
I’m so sorry for your loss sweetie.
Everyone handles grief different and you shouldn’t feel bad for how you handle it. That’s what makes you human and you are allowed to grieve in your own way.
I’m so sorry.
My condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.
One Trackback
[...] my grandmother died a week ago Friday, my mother and I were both adamant about who should know. When two days later my mother’s [...]