“The body is a big sagacity, a plurality with one sense, a war and a peace, a flock and a shepherd.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Excuse me while I remove (Read: lick) some sugar cookie frosting from my digits. And while I’m licking, a word to the wise: Always under bake your sugar cookies. It makes them that much better. But ample amounts of frosting will always do the trick. Think about it.
Ah, now that that is over, it has come to my attention – via a checkup and blood work yesterday – that I am on the wrong side of BMI. The ‘obese’ side, she announces as she picks sprinkles off the remainder of the cookie. I found it delightfully entertaining when the person who took my height and weight repeated the ‘But you don’t look it’ catch phrase. For the record being told such doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me want to judo chop a scale and question how one’s looks are relevant. Also, I don’t look like you could fashion me into the base of a parade float but height and weight have dictated otherwise.
There’s a nurse practitioner still scratching her head about this one.
Then I went home and ran and did the 30 Day Shred and felt my heart ‘garggling’ in my throat. Then I cried again and realized that part of the extreme weight gain is probably because I spent three solid months not at home and during my long term tour of the 48 contiguous states, I was also severely depressed. So to recap: I was sad and got fat and then my anti-sad medication kept me on a trajectory to being forced to buy two seats for myself on a plane.
OK it’s nothing that extreme as the flight attendant pointed out to me when I was able to swiftly maneuver myself away from spilling hot coffee by doing a hop/step/jump between an airplane seat, the tray table and the obnoxious bitch in front of me who wouldn’t raise her seat back so I could at least sit down. Yet there I was able to get my ass moved into the tiniest space possible without a hitch or ripping a stitch. So you know, yay me!
Since this development I’ve been alternately crying and canceling shopping trips because I don’t want to shop. I don’t care that it’s not like I have an issue finding clothing anywhere, because I truly don’t. But it’s a me thing – a thing that causes this cantaloupe sized lump in my throat because I’m fat. No one wants to be the fat girl. The one thing I should be able to control I have never once been able to. It’s like holding a wriggling lizard in my hand: The second I think I have a good grasp on it, it slips out again. Flopping around and trying to get away while I huff and puff and chase after it. Everything I cannot control: My career, my writing. Well that shit is going well, thank you for asking.
Let’s just say that it’s making me far more depressed and ornery than usual. Let’s also say that I do not think that the Wii Fit will change my life. But I do think that a month of no flying and being home and half-marathon training will probably help. Speaking of the Wii Fit, the winner is Neena. Neena doesn’t have a blog but her comment was something along the lines of ‘I look like I am pregnant and I am definitely NOT pregnant’. I picked her using a random number generator but when I saw that comment I wanted to high five her and do a chest bump.
A chest bump with my chest which has grown exponentially in size. Joy! Since hey, hey, hey, I’ve got boobs. Sad! Since boobs are just fat repositories and yet haven’t gone completely pessimistic when I say, at least the fat is going to my boos and not giving me cankles. So, it appears that there is at least a sliver of light peaking through at the end of this long, dark and ultimately depressing tunnel o’ fat.
35 Comments
I lost about 30 pounds. Now granted it was because a loved one died and when I get depressed I don’t eat. Not a healthy way to lose weight and I am not advocating having a love one die to help weight loss but perhaps arranging an accident … nahhh just kidding. Seriously, as long as you are healthy that “fat” thing is so over rated. You appear to be a strong, talented skilled female, with boobs so move on … damn doctors don’t know everything.
can I just say that I love your writing and I kinda maybe sorta love you (in a no we’ve never met, I rarely comment, you have no idea who I am but I promise I’m not creepy, kind of way), bmi be damned
I feel you, I really really do. Wish I had won that Wii so we could Wii together across state lines.
My doctor told me, and this is a quote, “those bmi charts are crap.” Just so you know. Your gorgeous. We could all lose some weight, I know that better than anyone, but never doubt how gorgeous you are.
And congrats to Neena.
FYI, I am “overweight” according to my BMI. NO, really. So don’t let this kill you.
Oh, I feel for you. I am still carrying around all of the grad-school-stress weight that I thought would just melt right off when I graduated. It turns out that, no, that does not just happen. So I’m working on it.
And you look great to me! But of course as long as you get to where you feel great, too, that’s what matters.
So last week I went to the gyno…The gyno who I love, but just happens to have been Miss [state where I live] in college…Just the person a chubby girl wants looking at her lady parts.
She pointed out that I had gained some weight since last year.
Then recommended Weight Watchers.
A weight loss endorsement from a skinny pageant girl?
No thanks.
She then decided, just in case, to test my thyroid, which I found out just today is functioning perfectly…Concession to the “really, it can’t be my current depression and belief that cheese is the balm the soothes” cry of the chubby girl.
Lovely that for a few minutes (or hours), I’d have rather had a physical ailment than admit my depression and weakness. I even momentarily considered pregnancy as a possible excuse.
Tomorrow I start the happy pills (again) for the depression.
For my upcoming 30th birthday I get off my (considerably larger than last year) ass and get back in shape.
But, I will admit, the bigger boobs have been a nice balance for the bigger belly.
I have SO been there. But don’t beat yourself up about it because it won’t help!
Just keep reminding yourself that there is SO SO much more to you than your booty/boobs/bod.
Bring your kicks, we’ll do a couple-three.
I’m 50. That’s twice you. I was once young and thin and so insecure. Now I’m older and fat and realize what’s inside is all that counts. Now I really like me. And don’t care what anyone else thinks. Fat or skinny.
You’ll understand one day. I hope you learn it long before I did.
You have way good stuff Heather B.
Oh, Heather…I could have written your entry today. I would love to high five and chest bump you with my over-ample boobs
I certainly don’t think that Wii Fit will be the savior from my “I broke up with the love of my life and lost my job within two months of one another” depression-sparked weight gain of 2008, but I do believe that it will help.
I tried on a dress that I wore during the holiday party season last year and had to do a double-take, because I looked pregnant to me. And then I looked at pictures of the past year and wanted to cry…a lot.
So, Nintendo better send that Wii STAT! (And thank you again, Heather!) Also, anyone who is in DC is more than welcome to come over and play with my new Wii…geez, that sounds dirty.
Those doctors and that damn BMI…it’s never correct Heather, you know that right? Because it doesn’t account for the fact that MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT. According to BMI, I’ve been fat for the past oh, like 10 years. Screw the BMI.
PS I’ll start my Wii Fit again when you start…it kinda helps to have a buddy…
I think you are all sorts of beautiful. BMI can kiss my…
Love you.
Dude, traveling nonstop makes it hard to maintain a workout and health routine, or any sense of normalcy really.
I don’t think you should ever listen to what someone else tells you, but rather go with how you’re feeling (i.e. if you would feel better losing/gaining a few pounds, then go for it; if you’re happy as is, then stay that way–you’re beautiful and no stupid doctor should dictate your self image).
I’m still technically overweight according to my BMI — though my doc thinks a lot of it is because I have a more muscular build…I’m not buying it.
However, I have lost 15 lbs so far — and only need to lose about 10 more to get over the year of suckage that was 2008. Funny how depression adds more pounds…
the BMI thing is totally black and white and i agree with above – go with how you’re feeling!
that being said, i just read this blog post about how we aspire to be skinny minnies like jen aniston while men think we are sexy at being kate winslet?
so i just tell myself that when i realize that my curves are going anywhere!
You are lovely, long-term traveling/never being home sucks, depression can eat a bag of dicks and again, you are beautiful.
Broken record but still: Go shopping. Have the cookie with frosting. There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with you. Work out if you want to get stronger or healthier but as far as how you look? You look beautiful so FUCK THE BMI CALCULATOR!
Go shopping. Seriously. I totally believe in retail therapy. If you’re not comfortable buying clothes, get some new jewelry, headbands, makeup, shoes, something. Something to make you feel like your usual gorgeous self and accentuate the parts about yourself that you love. Just don’t go this weekend as to avoid scary, last-minute holiday shoppers.
The BMI chart can go to hell. Just focus on making sure that YOU feel good with your body. Without some chart coming in and fucking with your head. The fact that you’re training for a half marathon (me too!) is a pretty good indication that you’re focused on taking care of yourself, and that’s what matters in the long run.
Go shopping. Its amazing how a great outfit can change how you feel.
when i got assessed at the gym, according to my body fat percentage i was borderline obese. i weighed 109 pounds. all of those charts and graphs and shit are all just CRAP.
that being said, i totally get that sad/gaining weight/anti-sad meds causing more weight gain. and i know how it makes me feel. shitty. but you know what makes me feel better?
shopping.
and cookies.
shit.
(i’m no help)
I get that all the time from my doctor. It’s because their scales don’t take the bodies of women of color into account when they refer to the BMI scales. As a Puerto Rican woman I have had to come to terms of being categorized as ‘obese’ because my big ass takes up so much of that damn scale.
That BMI thing is full of shit. It says I border on obese too. Which, I’m fat, but I ain’t obese!
I’ve put on like 30 pounds since 2006. So I understand. I have no excuses, besides not working out because I’m lazy and getting laid off twice and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and burritos.
I’m trying to do better. Started doing the 30 Day Shred and I’m hoping that Jillian Michaels is not a liar.
Training for a Half Marathon?! Where was I when this news broke? Lurking somewhere else? Congrats, Heather! That’s such a great goal. What race are you planning on doing? When? You’ll love to hate the long distances.
/end running geek rant
Oh, and: grumblegrumbleBMIBULLSHITgrumblegrumble.
My favorite part of this post is the first paragraph.
I sat exactly where you are for about 5 years. I totally get it. Don’t beat yourself up–you are a beautiful woman.
Hey Heather, you should check out Shapely Prose and their BMI project at kateharding.net (no, I’m not the author–just a huge fan with the same name.) BMI project is photos of women who fit into certain weight categories and you can see how ridiculous it is to attempt to assign “normal” or “healthy” to looking a certain way. The stuff written on the blog is about accepting your body and saying “f you” to beauty standards and diet talk so you can learn to actually take care of your body instead of fighting against it. It’s helped me immeasurably and it’s funny and smart, too, not all preachy. Take care of yourself . . .
Been there. Done that.
BMI sucks and really means nothing if you ask me. Forget the numbers and just concentrate on being healthy. You have like yourself and your body. Accept that you/me will never look like Kate Moss/Heidi Klum no matter how much weight we lose. Every one’s body is different. Anyway…that’s my two cents. Love your kickass blog!!
Oh screw BMI. It makes no sense. It claims if I was 121 lbs I would be normal weight. Nah, I’d probably be dead.
Am there. Am doing that. I’m back to more cardio and lifting weights but the holiday eating is sneaking up on me. Arg. And the wine. Oh, god, the wine. And then the eating because I am just a little buzzed and need a snack. Rinse, repeat.
After watching the final of the Biggest Loser and realizing that those people work out 2-4 hours a day, I did a little mental gymnastics and realized if I wanted to be thin I’d have to give up a) sleeping, b) eating, and c) life as I know it.
However, since I want to live to see my grandchildren, I will change the way I eat.
Kissing carbs goodbye….
p.s. I just found you (I know, I’m so behind the times) and I adore you already.
I bought 30-Day Shred a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t opened it yet. I’m kind scared.
I identified with this post a lot. At this point in my life, I’m just curvy and I’m ok with that, but there was a time when i weighed about 50 pounds more than I do now. That was tied to my untreated hypothyroidism, but hypothyroidism or not, the scale and I are in a never-ending battle.
Except I never get boobs. At any weight. Unfair? Most def.
BMI SchmiMI — It’s all poppycock.
Be healthy. Be happy. Don’t let a number dictate either of those things.
According to the BMI, I too, am obese. It is bullcrap. I’ve been told I don’t look it either! That’s because I know I’m not constructed purely of lard and I do have some muscle under the, ahem, “fluff”. I had to hear my OB/GYN, ask loudly in the hallway before she came in to see me, “How obese is she?” It was awesome. I wanted to punch her in her face, so she could feel the full weight of my obese fist. Woo-sah. Don’t worry about it, according to that thing, I should weigh a miniscule amount which would probably prompt people to send me to an eating disorder clinic. So f’ it. Do you and be HEALTHY! Being healthy and feeling good is the most important thing.
I just bought the 30 day shred but I doubt I get to it before the holidays are over. I think I’m going to indulge myself with a little more procrastination as well as wine and sugar cookies because that’s the sick bitch that I am.
But do you like it? Does it work?
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