Oh baby, baby

“Every baby needs a lap. ” ~Henry Robin

So, I didn’t like babies. And I sure as hell didn’t want children. I’m sorry, I was unequivocally against having oft thankless, little people stuck to me and sucking every bit of energy and money from me thus leaving me little time to enjoy the finer things in life like Anthropologie and wine flights. One of my parents, the one with the xx chromosomes once upon a time felt the same way about children. She once told me that she used to see parents in the park with their children and think it was the most god awful thing. Then she had a child (moi) and realized that hey! These children? With their snotty noses and wet kisses and need to shove their half eaten bits of food into your mouth? They’re not so bad. So she went on and had another (Garrett) and lo has now made it through two and half decades without either of us going to prison or losing a limb. She deserves a medal or some flowers or something.

It always seemed that babies were so very needy. And their neediness would have to trump my neediness and when you’re in high school and college your needs come before everyone elses needs. It wasn’t like I had some plans to get pregnant right then and there at the age of 19 it’s just that I’m a planner and my plans did not include getting up at 3 AM to feed someone else because really? What kind of human being decides that eating at 3 AM would be a fantastic idea? You know what’s a good idea at 3 AM? SLEEPING. Try it. It will do wonders for your complexion and overall health and maturity. It will also prevent your parents from putting you up for adoption.

Noah Storch was four weeks old when I met him. His mother had deemed me acceptable to watch her precious newborn as determined by my love of Coach bags and a good petite syrah of which we had a mutual love. People who like expensive bags and wine are so totally not crazy. I swear. He was all bundled up in his stroller and I didn’t touch him that first day. I just peeked periodically at his tiny fists and face and then had a flashback to the first time I met one of my cousins. He was the exact age that Noah was, I was 10 and I didn’t understand that babies didn’t come equipped with strong neck muscles. I removed my hand from the back of his head and he went flying the hell back. And well, that ended my association with those under the age of eight months. And even then it was touch and go.

Newborns are kind of…how do I put this gently?…Boring. They’re boring. They sleep like 90% of the time and when they are awake they’re only interest is screaming in protest for having being born or because they are hungry. Then again, I’m a bitch when I’m starving and have spent the last four days complaining about my oh so difficult life so I can almost understand their angry. Newborns are also so tiny. It’s impossible for my mind to move past their relative size and generally gentle demeanor for they haven’t yet become cynical or suspicious. They like to be held and well, I was good at the holding. So on that first night with Noah we sat together and I held him. All evening I held him and rocked him and sniffed the top of his head. I held him in the bathroom while the faucet ran because he liked the sound of running water and fuck environmental conservation when there is squwaking involved.

The next morning Amy told me that he slept through the night and demanded to know what I did to get her kid to sleep an entire night. Was it drugs? Crushed up Ambien in his Similac? WHAT? I just held him. And that’s what I did for the first two months and every time I saw Noah thereafter. I held him. I would get to his house stressed out after a day of dealing with adults who I wanted to face plant in a pile of dung. I would be tired and cranky and I’d see this tiny face, the face of a person who would cry in protest or would poop on my freshly dry cleaned pants or would spit up on me. But then night would come and we would sit in the dark listening to music and I would just hold him.

And that’s what I love about newborns. They’re actually my favorite. As my friend, Charlie says, they’re ‘teeny tiny’ and gorgeous. They’re needy and they doth protest way too fucking much. They’ll puke on you with aplomb. They’re mercurial. They don’t know the difference between night and day and they could give two shits if you’re tired. But they’re fairly easy to please. They just like to be held and snuggled and hugged. It’s like all of their problems can be solved with a new diaper and a gentle coo as you hold them as close to you as possible. It’s precious and endearing to feel them fall asleep with their heads resting on the side of your neck. You smile while holding them and wish that all of their problems for the rest of their lives could be solved just as easily. But for now you close your eyes and sit there with them knowing that this? This is the easy part.

*This post is for Kristen and Rebecca and Amy and the Mo’ Babies Shower Extravaganza in honor of the impending arrival of their teeny tiny babies. Congratulations, ladies.