Archive for August, 2008

Balls and porn

August 15, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

“In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.” ~ Holden Caulfield (J.D. Salinger)

Catherine asked me to guest post today. The title says it all. It’s been a pretty rough week full of sneezing fits and tears but today is a really good day. I’m hoping for more really good days. Good days with balls and porn. I’ve written other stuff this week but that I used the word ‘cock’ in a sentence and I did so without wanting to curl up and die, takes precedence.

In fact everyone should use the word sex in a sentence today. Or have some. Either way, it’s good for the soul.

An excerpt:

But still it’s hard for me to just come out and use the word sex without my face feeling like its on fire. Why yes, I can play it cool, calm and collected but on the inside I cannot believe I just used that word and I said it OUT LOUD and in front of people. Meanwhile the conversation continues and I’m dying a slow and painful death in my head because I am an adult who just said ‘sex’. Even writing it just now I had to look around in my office, where the door is closed because it could be read on the screen because all of my coworkers have x-ray vision.

Remember that time I had a baby?

August 13, 2008 | Filed under: Blogology, Oh The Stupidity You'll See

“Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.” ~Dave Barry

I’ve never been tempted to share any of the email I get because it’s all fairly standard smooshy stuff that makes me want to nuzzle people who take the time to send a note. But when I received this gem while writing my post for MamaPop, I immediately stopped to read, then re-read, then to read it once more and go back through my archives for clearly I’ve missed a large part of my life. The next time someone calls me a lush, I can now say, I am such a lush that I forgot about that time I gave birth.

Liz and Lindsay have written epics on the terrible PR pitches they’ve received from companies who have clearly never read their sites. The person who sent me this email didn’t get past the about page. Though wouldn’t it be funny if I did have a kid and never mentioned him or her and then one day I launched into a complicated story about using smarties as a bribe to potty train the kid and then the next day I went back into discussing an extensive trip to Anthropologie and drinking Grey Goose in Georgetown. The sad part is that Schnozz would read that post and say, but every story you tell is that disjointed and I’d have to say “touche”.

Keep in mind that if they had offered an actual trip to Disney World, you bet your ass that I would have found myself a seven year old and gone on my merry way:

Hi Heather,

Hope you are well. We work with Maria Bailey and she suggested we reach out to you regarding an announcement from Walt Disney World. On September 8, Disney will announce its search for the 2009 Walt Disney World Moms Panel, www.disneyworldmoms.com – but we wanted to give you an early look at what the Moms Panel is about, how and when parents can apply as well as offer you a neat online “Search” button, if you’re interested in helping us out…

Launched in 2008, the Walt Disney World Moms Panel is an online forum that provides first-hand tips and insights for vacationing at the resort from a panel of park-savvy parents. This year, Walt Disney World is looking for a diverse group of moms, dads and grandparents with vast knowledge of the parks and a desire to share their experience with others. And, due to the overwhelming response last year, the 2009 Moms Panel will expand from its inaugural 12 members to 16.

It’s truly been a resource for families everywhere; in fact, the current panelists have fielded nearly 9,000 questions from guests who are trying to plan the perfect Walt Disney World vacation.

How to apply:

Beginning September 8 through September 19, interested applicants can visit www.disneyworldmoms.com/2009 to learn more about the Walt Disney World Moms Panel and enter. Candidates will be asked to answer a series of questions and write three brief essays; selected panelists will serve a one-year term and will each receive a 5-night, 6-day vacation to Walt Disney World for four people.

Attached please find an online 2009 Moms Panel Search button for you – we would love it if you could help us spread the word to moms and parents in your area. As a thank you, I have also attached “A Magical Back-to-School Breakfast” recipe for you and your family to enjoy.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions at all.

One less than five

August 11, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum

“My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require.” ~Edward Elgar

I went to go see my friend, Torrie over the weekend. I continue to be amazed by how different each little speck of New York is. It makes me want to take a tour of the state because each time I visit somewhere new, my mind is blown because I had no idea ‘this’ was ‘here’. In the afternoon, Willa watched Sesame Street videos on You Tube to keep her mind off the fact that her mouth was on fire due to teething (teething is totally fucked up, you guys). The above is one of the videos we watched and then watched again and again and again. It’s Feist singing ‘1,2,3,4′ but about the number four. It’s catchy and perfect and puts a smile on my face when telling The Roommate the number of monsters walking cross the floor. I dare you to try not asking adults what’s one less than five and one more than three. It is impossible and chances are they’ll have to think about it for a second. Or maybe that was just me.

If I’m not here…(Volume: Here lies free lip gloss)

August 7, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...

El Fin

August 5, 2008 | Filed under: Growing up is optional, Planes trains and automobiles

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” ~Nelson Mandela

Monday was my first day back in the office after a three week absence.

I’ll give you a moment to think about just how full of love and harmony and pink puffy hearts, I was after those six miraculous hours.

When I planned to do Chicago, San Francisco, New Orleans and Martha’s Vineyard in rapid succession, I pictured myself being strong like a bear and quick like a bunny rabbit. As if there was a magic elixir that would put me on a path towards neverending light and ensconced in forgiveness when surrounded by a grand total of 15,000 people in three weeks. All of them sharing my oxygen like that shit is free and coughing and breathing and smiling in my general direction as if to say “Oh you like to be alive and full of phlegm?! Me too!”

It was a grand scheme that turned into a giant Fail Whale. That has been my favorite phrase since leaving San Francisco. Everything is a FAIL! I use it more than I use “Fuck” in all of it’s forms. Though in a Red Bull induced high I did start saying “Fuck me, FAIL!” so perhaps there is no hope for me. The last day of vacation was horrendous. So horrendous that I cannot discuss it without ending each sentence with “…and then I had to physically restrain myself from choking that man in the middle of the street”. It was an epic disaster that will can only be cured by magical chocolate chip cookies of groveling and forgiveness and perhaps payment for the new tires that were needed because of shitty karma. So I ended that night with rum, vodka, the view of a light house in East Chop and a charming eight year old named Emma.

Emma likes to read and write and I’m pretty sure she’s a Mensa member. I told her that when I was eight I liked to read and write and now people pay me enough money to get my eyebrows done because of my reading and writing so from what I understand, literacy can be a good thing. We even did a little show and tell of the perfect arch of my eyebrows. Then her aunt requested that I write about her on my site and Emma’s face lit up like I said that ponies would fall from the Heavens if she got a mention here. Emma, darling, you’re cute as a button and I’m sorry that a paragraph on my site will not elicit seven million dollars and a new Webkinz but at least someone once publicly said that you are absolutely charming.

The next morning I spent a long drive home on the Massachusetts turnpike wondering why Massachusetts couldn’t inch itself closer to New York. Just a few more miles…yep…to the left…ahh, right there. Nicely situated on top of Lake George. I also contemplated how 24 has been and that when I was eight years old, I pictured 24 being far different than it has turned out to be. Good Lord; I once upon a time envisioned children and a husband at 24. Not a cat that shits everywhere and coming home to three bitches - of the four legged variety - four nights a week, an addiction to Swedish Fish and the breakup from hell.

You know how people have diaries that chronicling the stupidities of their youth to look back on? Ones that require seven keys, a combination code and the oath of office to open? At times I’m both thrilled and utterly terrified that I have shared most every dumb ass, alcohol ridden, mistake of my 20’s publicly. Then again, when I am older and look back on July of my 24th year; the month when I had to spend the entire time around large, anxiety inducing crowds and I never once had to use physical harm on a single person. I imagine that I’ll look back upon that month and see how much restraint I had and realize that was the month that I discovered a little thing called Emotional Growth. I’ll give myself a pat on the back and be thankful that I had witnesses.