“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.” ~Michel de Montaigne
I was curled up in the comfy chair. My feet underneath me and covered by my dress, with a cold beer in hand, I leaned over and asked a friend of mine to tell me how he met his wife. Being on the phone for these conversations leaves much to be desired. You cannot see that look – The Look – or the half smile when retelling how one met the presumed love of their life. It’s hard to hear over the din of cars speeding past on his end or the truck outside of my window; to hear the slight laughter when retelling the moments when it might not have worked out as planned. These conversations are much better in person and face to face. So that the reactions can be seen and heard and practically felt.
At the end of the story I kind of shrugged and expressed my disappointment. It wasn’t exciting or anything out of the ordinary. It wasn’t a ‘meet cute’. It was pedestrian. And I said “eh”.
My friend JB once told me completely out of the blue that I would know when I met The One. This was back when I didn’t believe in The One and I had already planned my life around my wants and needs and my future living in a gorgeous row house in Georgetown with four floors – since they are built to expand vertically – and a gym membership at the Four Seasons on M Street. She said that I wouldn’t hem and haw about it. I would just show up for drinks with the girls and say “This is Joe. I love him and he’s it” and my friends would clink glasses of red and white to my happiness because they know that it is something that I would be sure of. I laughed when she said this because we both knew that she was right. It would just happen.
I don’t know if I believe in soul mates. In fact, I know that I do not believe in them. But Lori and I once had a conversation when we relished in all of the things that made us similar and we both noted that as individuals, we are both pretty awesome. We both are the type of people who enjoy our alone time and are easily entertained and amused by our surroundings and who we are as people that we do not generally crave having someone else by our sides. While it might be nice, it doesn’t feel necessary. When Lori met her husband though, she realized that he was someone that she could and would want to hang out with forever and ever and so they married. I loved that story because it is so very me. She wasn’t looking for it, she never had, it just happened.
I hate not knowing the ending. To have to shrug my shoulders and say I do not know how it will turn out. I do not know if I will walk into a restaurant and see someone for the very first time and spend five solid hours talking to that person about nothing and everything while sipping mojitos. I don’t know if I’ll find someone whose mere presence or with the sound of their voice, will make everything better. Will force every bad thing into perspective and out the window. I don’t know if I’ll meet someone and actually enjoy speaking on the phone just to make the drive less boring even though I hate the phone. I don’t know if I can find someone with whom to wade through the sheer stupidity of everything and the sometimes harsh words that we throw at each other. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone who gets me and knows my quirks and just how crazy I am and that I start arguments just because and that I don’t fight fair and yet is able to deal with it either way. I just don’t know. And it leaves something for me to be excited for and yet terrified all the same. Even if I don’t want it that badly at times the thought is just a pleasant one. What I do know is that *if* it happens and I meet that person, I just want to be able to tell my children and friends and family the story of something wonderful. A story that can be told with a smile on my face and knowing that even though things weren’t perfect in the beginning and sure as hell aren’t perfect now, that there is no one else I would rather do it all with.
37 Comments
I don’t believe in soulmates, but I certainly do believe that some people are drawn to each other, electrically, biologically, whatever. Maybe I do believe in soulmates.
If I believe in soulmates, I also believe that there isn’t just one for everyone, and that your soulmate and your spouse aren’t always the same thing. And that it’s totally okay if that’s the case.
I started to think that I would be single forever. Then I met Matthew.
I do not know if I believe in “soul mates”, but I do know that he is the perfect match for me.
When it happens, you just KNOW. That is the only way to explain it.
I loved this post.
I agree with Mr Lady — there are some people you’re just drawn to. Yes, my husband is one for me.
That’s why I kept taking him back after each breakup during our college years. I felt so strongly for him, and I could tell it wasn’t over. Glad I was right!
I think you just read my mind and wrote everything I didn’t even know I was feeling.
I could have written this post (you know, if I had me some kick ass writing skills). I don’t know if I believe in soul mates, but not knowing the ending is driving me crazy. I want some answers, dammit!
I love this post.
And I agree with MerryMis also–Chef and I had our issues and thankfully they have been worked out as we have grown together and apart–but there was never a doubt in either of our minds that we were the “one” for each other.
We both felt it the moment we met and it has never been like that with anyone else…Even other men I had very strong feelings for.
With him–its just that magnetic, biological connection. I remember both of us crying when we got back together because we could not believe we allowed ourselves to be apart. It was pretty powerful.
I believe in soulmates…but also that there is more than one for some people–one for others.
That being said…I miss you!
Me too. Exactly.
I don’t think that’s necessarily true, that you’ll know when you meet “the one.” It was a loooong time after I met SVV when I actually thought, “hmm, I could spend the rest of my life with him.” Oh and want a so not cute, how-we-hit-it-off story? We bonded at Bergen Belsen. Right, the concentration camp. In a graveyard. How’s that for romance.
I love this post. I met Joe Brown via blogging and Flickr.
I didn’t know right away. We were just friends. I had a little crush on him, but he seemed too young for me.
And I wasn’t looking.
That was 11 years ago.
Here’s my deal: Do I think I’ll know at first glance? Probably not. But generally speaking I do not meet people for the first time and it’s automatic adoration. It takes me several meetings to finally warm up to someone. But I will say that all of my closest friends in the world, I met them the first time, and liked them and days later we were BFFEs. I have no clue what will happen but I’d like a preview or sneak peak but no major spoilers.
I want to know if I should look super cute later today for my trail run or for my trip to get strawberries.
Also, when meeting every male that I’ve dated, I’ve looked like hell upon our first meeting. Don’t even get me started on this last one; the day he said “I love you” I was a hot and sweaty mess and looked like a fucking pink yeti. It was terrible.
HB,
I get what you are saying. When I met my husband, I didn’t know he was the one. I just knew I wanted to jump his bones and from the look on his face when our eyes met, he felt the same way.
I believe in soul mates, but I don’t believe you necessarily have to marry yours. My soul mate is not my husband, it is my gay ex boyfriend. There was a period of time when he was not in my life and it literally felt like there was a gaping hole, something important missing from my life. And now I can’t imagine not having him in it. We understand each other in ways nobody else does and it’s difficult to explain, but we just belong together.
I don’t have that same connection with my husband, but I don’t really feel bad about it. Because I still love him with all my heart and know that he’s the one I was meant to have my babies with and the one whose socks I’m meant to pick up off the floor until we are old and grey.
This is a great post!
Great post. I am often saying that I wish I could have a time machine and jump ahead ten years just for a moment to know that I end up happy. I don’t need to know the details, that is what living life is for, but I just want to know the ending already!
And I don’t think I am a believer in knowing the one, because sometimes even though YOU JUST KNOW…it doesn’t work out, which is where I am wallowing at the moment.
i don’t think i believe in soulmates. but i do believe you get this inkling that’s like, “hey, i don’t think i’ll want to stab you in the eye ten years from now!” and for me that seems like a good sign
I am SO on the same page as you and your friend. I am an only child and have always been into my alone time. Never felt the need to have people around constantly. But then I met Mike and that changed. If he goes out of town I enjoy that first day by myself, but after that…I want him home! We just got married 2 mos ago and have been together almost 7 years.
Ditto to exactly what Ali said. I think soul mates are this romantic notion we cooked up when in fact life is not all romanticism – it is in fact a lot of shit and if that person can get you through the shit and have a good time – then he/she is a keeper.
I love, love, love this post!
I struggle with the idea of a “soul mate” simply because it holds so many different meanings for so many people… Yet, I can tell you this. I met my husband when I least expected it. I was not looking for a man (in fact, I was very adamantly in this “I don’t need a man to complete me” phase) and very independent and I liked my life, my space, my friends, my surroundings. I was not dressed in what I’d dream of as the clothing to make an impression. Our first interactions were electric and invigorating! Yet not in the way you’d think. He had a way of agitating me to the point that I called him the buttonpusher! Our exchanges were filled with sarcasm and quick witted cut caps. And then one day we both saw something that made us laugh together. We witnessed a man struggling, trying to push a door that had a HUGE “pull” sign on it. We both noticed and cracked up laughing. Laughing led to talking, and talking led to a million cups of coffee, and years of friendship and then this really slow realization that we could spend the rest of our lives together. I married my best friend.
I believe in love, but I’m not sure about “soul mates” per se. I believe in finding your “match”. I met my husband when I least expected it–at a bar on a slow night while with a friend. I thought he was into her, go figure. I am so lucky it was me he wanted to pursue.
This post is one of the best I’ve read in a while. Thank you!
I used to get the “you’ll just *know*” thing from my Mom. And it drove me nuts for years and years. And I wasn’t looking for it, but I sorta developed a crush. And it turned out he had sorta developed a crush. So we decided to do something about it. It wasn’t love at first sight, but within 2 months, I knew I was done looking. I. KNEW. And (just as importantly) so did her. We’ve been married for 9.5 years now, and he can be a shit and I can be a bitch and he’s still the only one for me.
Also, I had been in love before – twice. Truly, madly, deeply both times. But the one before the ONE – whenever I thought of our future together, it ended in divorce. Not because we had a dramatic, romantic relationship or anything, but just because I couldn’t imagine us being able to hold it together through the gradual wearing down over the years. That wearing down thing happens in any marriage/commitment. In the good ones, it takes off the rough edges. In the not so good ones, it results in exhaustion.
Um, that should be “so did he.”
This is a helluva post, girl.
I don’t think souls are necessarily monogomous creatures. Hard to find it all in one person.
Still, how’s this for cute: I met my husband at a party in Madrid. He’s from a small town in the Basque Country; I’m from Phoenix. We started meeting to practice English/Spanish, and for the first few months our grammar and pronunciation hovered around second grade level. Somehow, despite our different backgrounds and language butchery, we discovered a connection and compatability I don’t see too often. I do not believe in fate or “the one”, but I remain awed that we managed to find each other.
This is one of those posts where I think, “Damn, I wish I wrote that.”
GREAT post. I don’t believe in soul mates either, nor do I really believe in the magical moment of “just knowing.” I know it happens to some people, but for me (happily married for 9 years) it was a longer process.
Ours is a long story, involving meeting in high school (I know, kooky), breaking up for 7 years and then getting back together long after college. By that point, we did kind of know based on so much history AND having seen what/who else was out there.
I don’t believe in soul mates, and although I think it’s easy (once happily married) to look back and think, “Yep, I just knew,” I also don’t think you can ever be that confident when a relationship is new and scary and exciting. And, trust me, plenty of people “who just knew” are no longer together. It’s not about the first moment, it’s about the million moments that follow all strung together.
I don’t believe in The One, so I never thought that of Mike, but it was more like Mike was the first person I hoped wouldn’t go anywhere.
Our story is semi-romantic, but my definition of romance has been flipped on its head since meeting him. Before, it was the grand gestures and big, sweeping declarations of love but now romance is deep laughing and inside jokes and a look that says more than any romantic comedy one-liner ever could. It’s the little things and knowing he’ll always be kind to me, even when we’re fighting/pissing one another off/annoying the shit out of the other. It’s knowing that we have to work really hard but that loving him comes pretty ridiculously easy. It’s wanting him to be the dad to my kid.
And I won’t let fate or destiny take a bit of credit for the life we’ve built, one day at a time together.
I don’t really believe in soulmates. I believe that when we finally meet that “it” person we will just know. I’m all for romance, but I’m pretty sure most of us have had the Hi I’m ____ and I look like absolute crap, nice to meet you. Life would be boring if we didn’t.
Mr. Lady took the words right out of my mouth.
I believe in soul mates but more in just the typical meaning of someones inner being conected with someone elses inner. Doesnt have to be in a romantic sense but this statement here….
“….A story that can be told with a smile on my face and knowing that even though things weren’t perfect in the beginning and sure as hell aren’t perfect now, that there is no one else I would rather do it all with….”
I think you hit the damn nail on the head. I cant think of a BETTER meaning of a soul mate. A partner. A lover. A friend.
I don’t belive in soul mates per se, but I do think you know. There’s something there when you meet them. When I met my ex, we were at a wine festival in Chicago with 1000 other people. But when I saw him it was like there was no one else around
I met my husband at a fetish/bondage bar — how’s that for a story? — and I was 100 percent certain that he was not the one. Turns out he is the one, but I didn’t know that until several months into our relationship. She Likes Purple said it beautifully with : “It’s not about the first moment, it’s about the million moments that follow all strung together.’ Yes. Every day, yes.
I was just talking the other day about how I wish I could fast forward and glance around at how everything is then, when your post popped up and it is pretty much how I was feeling! I just want to see a little of the future and then come back and be a little reassured. Or maybe I would be frightened. But I’d just like to KNOW a little. Give me a hint!
I L.O.V.E. this post. I believe in soulmates-but not just one for each person. I beleive that soulmates are people that come into your lives for a period of time that change you into something a bit better than when they arrived. They can be lovers, friends, or even family. I, too, wish I could jump forward or at least get a “trailer” of what’s to come. There are times when deep in my gut I know he’s out there and that the time between us not knowing & knowing each other will be shortened as to be the present moment. Other times, I feel as if it will never happen. Nonetheless, I remain hopeful with eyes wide open.
To say I didn’t like Dad2Amara when I first met him would be an understatment.
But I do love him.
I was impatient too. And now everything seems to be going too fast.
It’s not a matter of “soulmates.” For me, it was finding the right jerk that would tolerate me
I think it’s not only the person but the timing. I met my Fantastic Man a year before I could tolerate looking at him. And then, SNAP, I fell in love with him at a golf outing in about 3 hours after abhoring him for 12 months.
There are no rules in love.
My God, you’re an amazing writer.
PS. Victor fell in love with me instantly. I thought he was a total freak and refused to tell him my last name or number.
Awesome. You just rubbed those words down to the nub and made reality something dreamy and technicolor. And now I’m off to appreciate the one I chose. Thanks for the perspective.