If I’m not here…(Volume: Here lies free lip gloss)
August 7, 2008 | Filed under: If I'm not here...
A few months ago I was doing my daily complain-athon to Susan. You know how I know she’s someone’s mother? Outwardly she gives sympathetic sighs and listens patiently while I complain about how fucking hard it is to be Heather B. But on the inside she’s saying to herself “I’m going to spike all of your wine with Benadryl and shove a pair of crocs up your nose. Don’t worry. I will make them fit”. A few days later she casually mentioned a beauty site she was going to own along with the entire other half of the internet that she has staked her claim on and then said something about me writing about lipgloss and I said yes and next thing you know, I’m praying that another four hours will be added to the end of the day. Gregorian calendar be damned.
People, I can now casually walk into a Sephora, skim the Bliss products, hop on over to Carol’s Daughter and then sample some Stila and call it all “work”. Like my little fit the other day? The one that could only be cured by slathering MAC all over my face? That was work. In fact I’ve realized that when it comes to all things work, I’m lucky and I’ll be sure to remind you of this when I’m on an island off the coast of Florida later this year, FOR WORK.
My first post on Beauty Hacks is a peek into my anal-retentive side. The side that forces me into covering every exposed surface of my body with product containing SPF 15 or greater because the sun, it burns. So as I horde Neutrogena chapstick with SPF 15 (holla), my father shakes his head in dismay. My father who is from Alabama with parents who worked in cotton fields, IN ALABAMA, prior to brightly colored, flashy warnings about the harmful death rays of the sun. He thinks that melanin might have seeped into my brain. So, my first post is about my absolute favorite Bobbi Brown lip gloss that I wear every single day. The lip gloss that I have worn while making out with many cute boys and the lip gloss that I whisper sweet nothings to each morning.
And over at MamaPop a review of The Wackness. All I’m gonna say is remember 1994? The 1994 with OJ Simpson and Rudy’s first go as Mayor of New York City and when no one knew who Biggie was? Yes, that 1994. Well this is an entire movie set in 1994 and it isn’t the greatest movie ever but it was set in 1994 which and also stars Ben Kingsley. Ghandi using a bong! If that doesn’t make you want to see the movie then you have no soul.
Now that you’ve made it to the end of this post I should let you know of an idea that I had the other day. So brilliant in fact that when I had this mind blowing epiphany, I couldn’t believe my luck, for how had fate dropped this wonderous thought into my lap? But then I realized that the thought actually came from Metalia and so she is in fact the brilliant one and I’m just a douchebag. That said, I’m going to do a No Pasa Giveaway. Bobbi Brown lip gloss. From me to you and for ‘Free dollars’ (props to SB for making that one up). Your mission, if you choose to accept it - and if you would like free, overpriced lip gloss - is to ask me a question. Anything your heart desires. I’m going to leave comments open until Monday night at 5:08 PM (EST) because it will be three years and one day since I first posted to this site and also because I’ll actually remember that shit.
With that, this is how you know that I’m home; I have time to be thoughtful and oh my hell, do I think too much. I’m an overly neurotic planner and if that if your question is “Are you full of this much shit all of the time” then the answer is a resounding, yes. But only when I’m home.
Assertagirl says:
Hi Heather…okay, I have a question for you. You’ve traveled to so many different cities, and you live in a kick-ass city. What city, other than New York, did you like the best, and why?
Jennifer says:
Hi! I want to know (and you may not want to tell) what your job is exactly? Is all the traveling you do for work?
frances says:
Here, try this one:
“Mom, I’m shining this flashlight up at the stars, but eventually the light will come back here because space curves, right?”
I said “yeah, honey, that sounds about right” and finished my Dead Guy Ale in one big gulp - where did this kid come from? And was I right?
Momo Fali says:
When is your Mom going to start her blog?
lemmonex says:
Do you read other beauty blogs? If you do, do you feel like the brain wash you just a tiny bit?
I love products…too much. And I find after reading my beauty blogs in the morning, I will too often go to lunch and buy that limited edition taupey-smokey shadow at Mac that so and so thinks is going to be a cult favorite. The other day I read a post and exclaimed “Holy God, Bobbi Brown is doing metallic shadows!” and my coworker looked at me like a crazy person. Maybe I am…
Nicole says:
If you had one day to do whatever you wanted - taking time constraints out of consideration (i.e., let’s say you could teleport to Europe and back) and let’s pretend you don’t need sleep for that one day - what would you do in that 24-hour period, hour-by-hour?
slynnro says:
When are you coming to visit me, for I am most bored?
Maria says:
Why do I feel as if, being a woman of color, my melanin gives me built in super powers against the sun and never use SPF anything? What can I do to change my habit of doing nothing, and get into the routine of protecting my skin from age and rot and whatever else it is that the sun does to you?
Maria says:
Ahhh and I really want to see the wackness. NC sucks - it’s not playing around here.
metalia says:
Let’s talk about cheese, baby. Which one is your favorite? And not just because I’m going to a cheese shop today, or anything. No, sirree. z
miguelina says:
I’m afraid to ask, but here it goes: Why do you hate Boston so much? And a related question, for extra credit: Does that mean that we’ll never be graced with a visit from the globetrotting HeatherB?
Ellen says:
What was the first lip gloss you ever owned and used?
Mine was Lip Smackers — love ‘em.
Chookooloonks says:
What, Heather, is the meaning of life?
With love,
Heather
… no, wait …
Kelly
… no, wait …
Miss Britt says:
Here’s my question - one I have yet to find the answer to myself:
As a blonde haired, blue eyed, freckled face chica - what color lip gloss should I be wearing?
She Likes Purple says:
Yep, when are you coming to Texas? (Although if you say NOT UNTIL IT STOPS BEING BALLS HOT, I wouldn’t blame you a bit.)
Angella says:
When are you getting your (beautiful) butt to BC?
Melina says:
Hi Heather, I know you were recently in Philly (and I would’ve made you hit me up but I am cranky and feel even more pregnant when I watch others drink wine), what did you like most about our fine city?
amanda says:
So for the inauguration what will be your poison of choice? Umm, secret service dudes? I’m talking about drinks.
Katrina says:
Dear Heather,
So we now know your favorite lip gloss, but what about mascara? Do you wear mascara? I am currently on a hunt for mascara (much like the lovely Susan) - do you have a favorite? Something I should try out? Take for a spin?
Love,
Katrina
ashley.marie says:
Do you pick wedgies discretely or just go at it?
Elizabeth Joy says:
Okay, my question is whether you’ve tried the Bliss FatGirlSlim cream for cellulite…You don’t have to tell us whether you have cellulite (although I won’t like you very much if you don’t), but I really want to know whether that stuff works, or if the reviewers who say it does are just shills. On the one hand, it costs a small fortune, but on the other hand, my butt looks like a fork dragged through large-curd cottage cheese, so maybe it’d be worth bankrupcy.
Rhi says:
What is your favorite thing about me?
Fine, a real question: What are your must have travel items?
judi says:
hi heather, i’m fairly new to your blog and so i hope this isn’t a silly question but - where do you get ALL those fantastic quotes?!
Susie says:
Question,
I’m going to ask a make-up related question since that’s what this post is mostly about.
I’m very pale (no, seriously, PALE) (thanks, mom!) and I have issues when choosing lipsticks. I think all of them regardless of the color or brightness look very bad on me, because any color against Casper white stands out. As of now, I rarely wear lipstick because I feel it looks bad on me. But there has to be something out there, right? What kind of shades would you recommend for me (and also what brands)? I’m a brunette, btw, in case that matters.
Kate says:
Hi Heather - as a woman who travels, I want to know if you forgo style for comfort - do you travel in killer shoes, or do you go the clog/sneaker route?
ali says:
i’m going to have a 1994 party. and i expect you to be there. and it will be awesome.
kirida says:
Heather, I really love the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer but I am not 15. Is there something wrong with me?
Tamara says:
Hi. You have coaxed me into finally commenting with your contest!
For the question…. What is your favorite (body) sunscreen?
Melissa says:
I was wondering which color of Bobbi Brown’s lip gloss is your favorite? Do you change it up every once in awhile?
NES says:
Heather, you and I have spent a lot of time in a lot of the same places, so based on that, here’s my very important question: do you prefer the pizza slice put out by DC’s Vace Deli on Connecticut just up from the zoo, or Albany NY’s Souvrana’s (corner of West and North Lake)?
Kristabella says:
Did you dad shake his head in dismay because you said holla?
No, really. That’s my question.
Oh! And I have another one! When are you coming back to Chicago?
C says:
You can only listen to one song the rest of your life - which would you choose and why?
Kells says:
Any suggestions on blow dryers? Man, I didnt think buying a new hair dryer would cause so much distress
lesli says:
What is your job?! And do they need someone else?!
Michelle says:
I’m wondering are you actually going to answer all these questions?? (Since all the ones I had people have already asked!)
Sheri says:
I’m a lurker but I’ve been dying to ask, any other recipes to share besides those delish cupcakes??
And I really need some new lipgloss.
kristine says:
As if it hasn’t already been asked…
What do you do? Spy, woman of mystery, secret shopper, political lobbying, baker to the stars, reporter, dog trainer, marketer of crocs, what is your job?
nopasanada says:
Yes, I am going to answer all of these questions. Some individually and some in one fell swoop. And one question might be used as a guest post on a way better blog than this one, next week. Like WAAAAAY fucking better. Like it blows my mind that this woman would even ask me to guest post even though I said it would be about balls or porn.
Suzanne says:
I’ve got a few questions for you?
Did you really want to temp fate by making reservations for Inaguaration?
The better question: Do you have an outfit to attend an Inauguaral Ball? (If you do, you really are tempting fate, right?)
What makes you think Metalia will get a pair of Crocs up your nose without surgical intervention?
Sarah says:
Here’s my question: when the fuck are we going to drink wine and discuss Salinger?
Mostly it will be me bitching that I with the old man would die already so his past million years of work would finally get published, and you’ll be like, “Hey Sarah, don’t be such a bitch.” We’ll laugh and drink more wine and make fun of Loralee because we love her and she snorts a lot.
Erika says:
What exactly is your hair regimen? You said a while ago that you would post about this but you never did. I wasn’t going to pester you but I really want to know. I cut my relaxer out in March and now I need a little hair care help.
Chelsey says:
i need new lipgloss to, and im a sucker for a give-a-way…
when and why did you start blogging..(its my fav thing to find out about people..i mean bloggers :0 haha)
dee says:
hi heather. question: how about you choose me for the free lip gloss?
thanks in advance, dee
Rebecca (Bearca) says:
Hmmm… what is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
Thursday says:
Yellowtail Shiraz or Wolfblass Yellow Label?
Lex says:
Do you ever get so stressed out that you can’t see straight? How do you get over it? (I’m a little stressed, can you tell?)
Michelle says:
Dear Heather B,
What do you consider essential wardrobe pieces when packing for a trip? I always have a terrible time trying to figure out what to take with me on a trip when I travel somewhere. Since you seem to travel an awful lot do you have any tips or suggestions?
Thanks,
Michelle
laurapy says:
Darth Vader or Yoda?
uǝʞoʇ says:
I’d ask a question, but I don’t want to add to your frustration!
merrymishaps says:
Way back when I was on the college newspaper staff, one of our editors used to ask this question. To very important people. It highly amused us.
If you could be any kind of tree, what tree would you be, and why?
sarah says:
to me, more important than the tree question (see previous - and not to be a hater!) is this: if you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be and why?
(p.s. i heart lippy glosses!)
Kizz says:
Is there a post you regret having made? What one is it? Did you take it down or leave it up? Am I going to get disqualified for asking more than one question?
Auds says:
Alrighty then, my question is in the form of a scenario.
The heads of all the major airlines come to you and say, “Oh Heather B., exhalted one, we are redoing our flight regulations and would like your input on what new regulation to add. If you could tell your fellow travelers ONE thing to NOT do on a flying sardine can, what would it be?”
Missy says:
I have no idea what day or time it is, but I’m going to go ahead and comment anyway.
If you could only read one blog for the rest of forever, which one would it be?
Molly says:
Do you call it pop, or is that just a Rochester thing?
Dawn says:
does your mom ever say anything about your use of the f word?
Em says:
So I basically break up with the Internet for like three weeks or something, and on deciding to take the Internet back for another go at our relationship- this is the first thing I read. So my question is: Have you always specialized in Couples Counseling?
Just kidding, partly. My real question is what would be your dream writing gig (that you don’t have already)?
XO, and I hope you answer!
Em
Moon Rani says:
Which 5 beauty essentials would you choose if you were stranded on a deserted island? Remember, you want to look great for the rescue team that’s bound to arrive!
Monica says:
WOW — free Bobbie Brown? Please please please???
My question is, what made you decide to give away something so expensive?
Abi says:
Waxing: Am thinking about doing it to my lip (er, having a professional do it), but is it worth the pain and cost?
Do you have pre-waxing tips? Why do I assume you know a lot about this?
I’m a hispanic woman, so this lip hair thing is only going to get more intense as I age.
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