Very well sums things up
May 28, 2008 | Filed under: Sucks like a vacuum
“To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man’s heart.” ~Francesco Guicciardini
It’s currently 11:59 AM and just 20 minutes ago I decided to head downstairs to get my first cup of coffee for the day and then I remembered the greek yogurt and banana extravaganza I had sitting in my bag and hmm, perhaps I should think about eating in general. I am the last person on earth to just casually miss a meal and coworkers are actually afraid to speak to me until I’ve had coffee. I’m usually the one to suggest that perhaps intravenous lines of coffee might be the wave of the future so someone – but not me because I’m too damn lazy – should look into that. And the above has been my regular course of action for the last several weeks though peppered with the occasional bouts of huzzah and cheek hurting smiles to almost make me forget how god damn sad I’ve been.
I was recently told that writing things out in such a public forum is just a barometer of feelings at that very moment. And it’s true that I’m just admitting my honest feelings tentatively and over a layer of apology. Despite each bit of good that happens and the number of hours I spent sunbathing over the weekend and the way cold Riesling feels on a perfect summer day, there are an equal number of times where I get hit by this wave of sorrow coupled with stupidity. It’s like walking at a normal speed, whistling while I work only to accidentally run into a wall. Though normally I would just keep on walking after hitting that wall instead I am jarred back to my rightful place upon the Throne of Misery.
While it might be true that while pain is a necessity in life but suffering would be option and it is also true that I deserve each and every single day of perpetual sadness (Karma Strikes Back!) I would not be in such depths of suffering if I didn’t feel like I was just sinking in it with no way of getting out. I’ve been good at not inundating everyone around me with how incredibly difficult and tiring every fucking day has been because it’s boring and unnecessary and who the fuck complains when generally speaking things are just swell? I mean I’m excellent at that shit but I’ve been trying to keep it to a minimum as of late so as not to disturb the readers.
But it’s so overwhelming and powerfully so that it’s hard not to just burst at the seams and say I am sad. I am so fucking sad and miserable and I’ve started eyeing my Lexapro seductively and saying “You and me, kid. Make me proud!”. I talk to plastic pill bottles and if that’s not completely pathetic then I don’t know what is.
So I’ve totally turned into that girl that I used to loathe and pity. The girl who gets all melancholy and weepy over some stupid guy and then whines about it. And of course there is a bigger story and I would love nothing more then to tell that story and then perhaps act it out on a very special episode of General Hospital, it’s just that fucking sordid and good. But I seem to have my limits and the dam has been broken and admitting that I’m now the sad and pathetic girl who forgets to drink her beloved coffee is a big step for me.
Which brings us back to the coffee. I’m just sitting here sipping it with The Boss playing in the background and ready to get out of this pity party for one and wishing that time would just move a little bit faster.
Moose says:
“It’s like walking at a normal speed, whistling while I work only to accidentally run into a wall.” Well said.
I’ve been forgetting to drink coffee too. I used to need it like oxygen. Weirdest breakup symptom ever.
She Likes Purple says:
Thinking of you.
I watched GH on Monday and was SO CONFUSED for like a half hour because it was actually an episode from 2007. I hadn’t watched in a week or so and I kept thinking, “Where are they? Why is Jason concerned about Sam? (Although yea!) How did Elizabeth get pregnant again? Why can other people see Emily’s ghost? WHAT IS GOING ON?” It was all very weird until I saw Alan and realized this was a rerun for Memorial Day.
Nic says:
I don’t like situations in life that can’t be solved by xanax. It appears that this relationship shit is one of them and it sucks sucks sucks. The only thing to get me through the rough times of the past was to keep repeating “it gets better, it gets easier” because from one minute to the next, time is passing and that helps.
elise says:
Can I just tell you how freaking sorry I am? I am in the EXACT same place right now, and I am MISERABLE. Miserable. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark. I hate it, and although misery generally loves company, I gotta say that I like ya and I hate it for you that you’ve got this going on as well.
Let me know if you come up with a solution. I’ll do the same. I do have some good music for your miserable listening pleasure if you’re interested…
slynnro says:
I’m in a major funk too. I’ve decided I have no friends and no future plans worth pursuing. Hating on people just doesn’t bring me the joy right now.
And then Aaron and I got in a fight and he actually slept on the couch. It occurred to me that I am old and sad enough to actually be at a point in my life where my husband slept on the couch. BLARGH.
Camels & Chocolate says:
I’m glad you said that — it reminded me that my coffee has been sitting on the counter, untouched, for a couple hours now. Hmmm.
You would be a much better General Hospital ep than those idiots they call “actors” on that show.
Schnozz says:
Hang in there, friend. Nothing sucks quite like this.
Kristabella says:
Hang in there, pal. These moments suck. And the worst part is that you can have those great moment in between, convince yourself all is right in the world and the next minute feel sadder than you’ve ever felt.
And then you watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants because you need a good cry.
OK. That might just be me.
It will get better. Time does help.
Beckie says:
You spoke my mind. I have been so blah and sad and down lately. And I say the same thing as you ” who the fuck complains when generally speaking things are just swell?”. But inside - well there’s a swell of pity/grief/sadness/etc….
Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand. And maybe if you tell your big story it will help? Kind of a cleansing relief? Personally, if it matters at all, no need to “keep it to a minimum as of late so as not to disturb the readers” because this reader would not at all be disturbed if you took a big breath and let it all out. Would it be weird if I ended this with *hugs* since I don’t even know you? Oh well, fuck it, I’ll be weird sometimes even a cyber hug is needed.
*Hugs*
Angella says:
Oh, sweetie. You know I love you and hate that you are sad.
I wish our trip to SF was NOW, so I could cheer you up to the best of my ability.
If I could come to New York in the meantime, I would. I’m here to chat if you need me.
xo
uǝʞoʇ says:
Just keep faking it, eventually it will become real. This I know from a medical professional and experience.
Becca says:
Don’t you dare hesitate to post your sadness on your blog!!! That is what we are here for! We are here to pick you up when you need it the most!
Don’t for one second feel wrong for being sad. That is part of life. Let yourself be sad. When you hit that wall really feel it. Then keep walking. Soon you will realize you haven’t hit that wall in a long time. Breakups suck and we all know it. You will live and you are doing such a great job. I know there is no way in hell I would be as good as you are. I would have lost all of my friends by now because that is all I would be talking about.
We are here for you. You can do it! Just take it one minute at a time.
Bri says:
Oy. I’ve spent most of the past year in the place where you are and I’m just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too, used to pity those girls who mooned over a relationship gone wrong and wondered why they just couldn’t “get over it already”. That is, of course, until it finally happened to me. I feel for you, hun, and wanted to tell you that it does get better, and fighting your feelings doesn’t do any good. Hang in there, eventually your smiles won’t feel fake.
nopasanada says:
I would really like to hug and bake cookies for each and everyone of you right now. Thank you so very much for the kind words. They are appreciated more than you know right now.
NSB says:
All I can say is you have every right to be sad. Don’t be so hard on YOU.
Sadness happens to all of us in life, while the reasons are different, we all have periods of intense sadness.
If you lived closer I would bake you cookies, pour you
wine and encourage you to cry.
I know what sadness does to me, I can’t pretend how it
impacts you, but we all know it S.U.C.K.S.
Lissa says:
It has all been said already. I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all away.
tishann says:
i hear you,
i feel you,
i’ve been there and it SUCKS a fat one!
the only thing that makes it better is time…and the knowledge that it cannot last forever.
and getting to the point where you’re just sick of yourself.
it’s at that moment you look at yourself in the mirror and say “YOU DESERVE MORE, TO BE JOYOUS” ..and really mean it, but more importantly…believe it.
Alice says:
I’ve been there and I get it and I’m just so sorry.
It does get better. It will get better. But admitting that you’re sad - fucking miserable - and just accepting it, is absolutely necessary. You’re not whining. You’re asking for help and understanding. That’s hard to do, and I really admire it. And you.
Allie says:
You aren’t the only one forgetting to drink coffee… I’m there too.
I’m in a melancholy state too, and I think it may be over a guy, damn them. And life is pretty great otherwise.
Damn them.
Kimberly says:
Oh honey…we have all been there. (Ok, maybe not. But I sure as hell have so let’s go with that.) It’s alright to wallow a while. I think sometimes hitting that emotional bottom (without doing anything too regretful like sleeping with someone in Rick Springfield’s band or seeing how deep you can file your wrist) is just what we need to bounce back up from. Granted, the bouncing may feel like a lead balloon for a while but focusing on one singular thing that makes you happy is a good start. Give yourself over selfishly to that - to you- for a bit.
Big hugs,
Jen says:
I’d say something dumb like “Chin up, Charlie!” but I know just how you feel and saying something silly like that doesn’t do jack shit to make you feel any better. I’ll just say that I know how you feel and applaud your ability to even write anything articulate when you’re feeling this way because that is certainly not even happening on my end.
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lindsayc says:
I promise, as someone who had their heart brutally stomped on -who was dumb enough to go back for more of the same from the same person, you will feel better. It takes time, mine took about a year to heal. It has been 17 years since that last bad boyfriend and I still remember the soul crushingness of that time. Feel better,drink the coffee and have a cookie.
Chiara says:
Break-up pain is universal so though I am a new reader–I feel for you. Something I told myself whenever a relationship ended was that now I was one person closer to finding the “one”. and i was. and here we are. or rather, here I am and our 14 month old son. the “one”–he is on a 3 day bachelor party bender for his brother far, far away. here is wishing you find the “one” when you are ready to be two and more.