Warning: Car buying makes me loopy, incoherent and more annoying than usual
May 6, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum
“Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.” ~Iara Gassen
My brain has been a constant loop of Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, Toyota, Volvo, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru ooooh MERCURY. Which means that my level of interesting is on par with a shady, balding, car salesman with visible hair plugs and a polyester plaid jacket, who says shit like “Just call me Chuck” while running his hands through his greasy, faux hair and kicking the tires of the Mariners to prove that yes indeed! They are sturdy!
Meanwhile my car is on par with your average POS vehicle yet not nearly as horrific as my very first car; a 1993 Plymouth Voyager (ooooh BABY!). The Mom Mobile is currently residing on Martha’s Vineyard where it’s about to be given away. I’ve been contemplating a trip out to the Cape to give the minivan one last hug and kiss and to remember the good times. Like the time I went to Las Vegas and entrusted it to LB (Hi LB! I love you!). Only to return to find the transmission was shot and the hood was busted, LB was on her way to Namibia and I was livid. Heed my words, when I am livid and you are in my direct line of fire, the best idea ever would be to run away very, very quickly to southwest Africa. In fact I’d buy you a ticket to allow you to have a head start. You’re welcome.
The last expensive thing I purchased was my camera and since I sleep with it every night while touching it lovingly and whispering sweet nothings into its ear, I’m just a little on the nervous side about buying something so very big that I cannot keep my eye on at all times. Like I’m supposed to spend a very large amount of money on something and just leave it outside. In the elements. Where people can breathe on it and birds can shit on it. Are you fucking kidding me? Not to mention that camera choosing took about 367 days of eyeing and visiting and critiquing. Of course doing this only to change my mind about 300 days in and continuing with the process. So! Car purchasing has been about as thrilling as a jackhammer to the torso. From now on I’m thinking about walking everywhere.
What else…oh yes, I’m doing a little borough hopping tomorrow, which means being very strategic while walking through midtown Manhattan and trying to avoid tripping tourists. This will be my second to last trip to the city and after that I have no intentions of going back until Saks has sparkly, cherubic angels singing Carol of the Bells in the windows and the streets are covered in snow. That would be about December. At this point December 2010. Unless of course someone offers up free vodka, dresses with pockets and pedicures. Then I’ll go back.
This was like 567 words more than I ever intended it to be and I will now I apologize for my loquacious ways. It’s never nice to talk and talk and talk while someone else is thinking, “Shut the hell up already”. But oh! Speaking of test-driving (like seven paragraphs back), remind me to tell you the story about the car salesman and the 20-year-old college student who was just looking for a Nissan. She was not looking for a Sunday afternoon booty call or marriage. Just in case she needed to make that clear in the terms of her auto loan.
eva says:
I bought a 2003 Prius in 2006, and my only regret is that I didn’t get the 2004 with the smart key. I will never buy a non-Prius car, ever, unless they come out with something better on gas, with a tinier turning radius, that beats mustangs out of red lights faster, costs less than 16G used and is the awomest awesome. Disclosure: I live in L.A., go on lots of road trips, and drive for fun. So the gas thing’s important. But it has a touch screen! Further disclosure: I drove a 1987 Volvo wagon before this. Maybe that skewed me? I’d rather blame my mom.
monica says:
Funny Post, as always.
Camels & Chocolate says:
Oooh, I hear ya. The only car I ever had prior to my recent Altima buy was a 1998 Ford Taurus, the Mom Mobile of Mom Mobiles, that my parents bought me and which I drove for eight years. So investing in something this big and expensive was scary!
On another note: I don’t blame you about Manhattan. Anytime I contemplate going back to visit, I get that panicky feeling I got every day while walking to and from work right through the heart of Times Square (vomit), where I worked.
Also, what lenses do you shoot with? I have the standard lens that came with my Canon XTi and the 17-85mm wide angle lens, but I’m jonesing for a new one (perhaps a macro) and am wondering what sizes you use and/or would recommend.
Allie says:
Ooooh, new car. MMMM.
I just went college shopping. Just accepted about a cars worth of education for the next year. I can’t believe I’m going back…
I think I figured out why I can’t sleep lately.
gorillabuns says:
My first car was a 4-door, ‘76, brown, buick skylark. When you turned the ignition off, it still ran. Now you’re jealous, aren’t you?
Stay away from the Volvo. I say this only because I had a lemon station wagon where gas would flow onto the street while driving.
heather says:
ugh, I hate cars so much. I wish we had a bus system here. I keep telling my husband I’m going to buy a horse and keep it in my parking space. That has to be less maintenance and cheaper too right?
lizneust says:
First new car I bought was in college. The lovely sales guy decided to take it upon himself to warn me that my “virtue” was a gift and I should be careful, because “boys in college only want one thing, and you need to protect yourself from attempts on your virtue.” My virtue and I had parted ways quite happily 2 years before, so THAT was awkward. He really was a nice man, just completely misguided about, oh, everything beyond my new Honda.
metalia says:
Oh, whatever. You’ll be back, and sooner than you think. They all come back.
Momo Fali says:
I have been driving my Mercury Mountaineer for almost 11 years. If I could sleep with it, I would.
Miss Britt says:
When buying a car, I recommend you do the smart thing:
Close your eyes and point.
Wickedly Scarlett says:
I hated car shopping so very, very much. It’s like the 9th circle of hell for someone who is indecisive and introverted and knows nothing about what the difference is between this number of v’s and that number of v’s. I hope that my car lasts me until the end of time so that I don’t have to do it again.
NSB says:
The best part-bootie call and the salesperson.
Why does that not surprise me?
I hope she mentally slapped him silly!
I have a Volvo and I love my car almost as much as
and the kids.
I love the husband
Tootsie Farklepants says:
But just think how fast you’d get approved for that loan? They’d be all, “credit, schmedit”.
p.s. I let my husband do the car shopping. That way there are less bodies for me to hide.