Archive for May, 2008

These Soul Soothing Cookies

May 29, 2008 | Filed under: "The Pot Licker", Fotografias, Whoopdie Doo

“You could do a lot of good in the world with cookies” - Moose In the Kitchen

Way back in March-ish my dear friend Moose had a horrendous break up with her boyfriend of five years. It was one of those things that might have been looming but to the rest of us, those who loved her and read her regularly well I can say that we were shocked. I distinctly remember my heart breaking for her because at the time, I couldn’t imagine what that could feel like. Of course now that I know what it feels like, we’ve been commiserating via email for several weeks because misery loves company. And I like to hear myself talk. The end.

Moose has the great fortune of living in San Francisco with the other ladies who freelance. A group of women that I envy and am in awe of because of their talent and the way they can put a few words together to make an actual sentence whereas I just look at a blank Word document and get diarrhea of the brain. Everything comes out in nonsensical bullshit and what could be said in one sentence gets said in a rambly paragraph full of digressions. Case in point: READ ABOVE. Anyway she is one of those people that I genuinely like and enjoy. If you ask she will tell you all about that time she cried in the Chicago Children’s Museum and while Chris Jordan sat and did some motherly comforting for her, I just stood there all opened mouthed and said “Um OK. I’m gonna go now.” I totally score on being the understanding friend.

Anyway because I love and because she is such a nice and lovely person I did what anyone would do from 3,000 miles away; I offered to bake cookies. Then I gave myself a hearty pat on the back for being the good friend who bakes and overnights cookies from the other coast. Then little brown sugar fairies danced in my head as the possibilities were endless.

That was in March. March was like two months ago. And in that two month period I myself suffered the break up from Hell and because I generally get distracted by shiny things I kind of put my cookie baking to the wayside. For the record I am also that friend that will say “OH YEAH! I will totally do that random thing for you” and then when push comes to shove I’m that friend who you’d like to kick in the shins because I’m full of good intentions and zero action.

Several weeks ago I had the great pleasure of sitting across from Deb of Smitten Kitchen fame and I remembered that I had to bake cookies and since she was sitting right across from her I made nice conversation and then interrogated her on some cookie recipes. She in turn sent me the loveliest email full of cookies for me to bake and I had to purchase a new laptop because of all the damn drooling. (Note to self: Invest in a bib. Also an apron).

The recipe that caught my eye though was for Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies. Here is how I feel about the commingling of peanut butter and chocolate: It is like an orgasm for your taste buds. In fact after consuming the two put together in perfect harmony, your tongue hangs out of your mouth for a bit – inadvertently of course – searching around your lips and if your tongue is as long as mine, down to your chin trying to grab those last few drops. For surely there must be more and your tongue is programmed to search and destroy. And do not think for one instant that I’ve never taken a spoonful of Skippy, sprinkled chocolate chips on top and called it dessert for my ever refined palate.

I clearly remember Deb saying that these cookies were addictive and perhaps I should put them in the far recesses of my kitchen. I just nodded and said sure then baked one batch for my family with my seven year old cousin. Now my family does not see me as the baking type. They see me as the woman who would like things delivered to her doorstep and ‘from scratch’ is some foreign lexicon. ‘Hostess’ is a word I am familiar with. Well imagine the surprise and broad smile that came across my incredulous and curmudgeonly, Republican uncle’s face when he put my cookies to his lips. In fact he asked for seconds just to make sure they were there and were for real. My Aunt Rachel ate four and my no carbohydrate eating mother kept eyeing them in hopes that maybe they were carbohydrate-less and calorie free and possibly made of air.

With the first batch a success I then made a second batch for Moose’s Mouth ONLY. She received them yesterday and had to shove two cookies in her mouth so she could type an email to me as to their deliciousness. Then told me that I was awesome. Well, duh.

I made the cookies out of love and because it was the only thing I could do for her. And since I’ve been going through what I’ve been going through people have been offering (and I’ve been declining) baked goods because nothing makes another feel better like a fresh pie or a pan of brownies. Really it’s the thought that goes beyond words and says that there are friends out there, amazing people who want nothing more than for you to feel better and normal again. So they put out what effort they can to make something and do something that really can mean more than words. Which leads me to yesterday’s post and all the posts of sadness and agony before; the words do mean more than you can ever know and if you really want to send me something, package up some French fries and a giant bottle of wine and call it a day. Or you can be straight up Canadian and send me a box of Smarties and declare your undying love for me. Either way, I’m easy.

Peanut Butter Soul Soothing Chocolate Chip Cookies (yields 36)

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup peanut butter at room temperature (smooth is what we used, but I am pretty sure they use chunky at the bakery)
3/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon (for sprinkling) sugar
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1 large egg, at room temperature
1 tablespoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup peanut butter chips
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl, combine the flour, the baking soda, the baking powder, and the salt. Set aside.

In a large bowl, beat the butter and the peanut butter together until fluffy. Add the sugars and beat until smooth. Add the egg and mix well. Add the milk and the vanilla extract. Add the flour mixture and beat thoroughly. Stir in the peanut butter chips. Place sprinkling sugar on a plate. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls into the sugar, then onto ungreased cookie sheets, leaving several inches between for expansion. Using a fork, lightly indent with a crissscross pattern, but do not overly flatten cookies. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes. Do not overbake. Cookies may appear to be underdone, but they are not.

Cool the cookies on the sheets for 1 minute, then remove to a rack to cool completely.

Very well sums things up

May 28, 2008 | Filed under: Sucks like a vacuum

“To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man’s heart.”  ~Francesco Guicciardini

It’s currently 11:59 AM and just 20 minutes ago I decided to head downstairs to get my first cup of coffee for the day and then I remembered the greek yogurt and banana extravaganza I had sitting in my bag and hmm, perhaps I should think about eating in general. I am the last person on earth to just casually miss a meal and coworkers are actually afraid to speak to me until I’ve had coffee. I’m usually the one to suggest that perhaps intravenous lines of coffee might be the wave of the future so someone – but not me because I’m too damn lazy – should look into that. And the above has been my regular course of action for the last several weeks though peppered with the occasional bouts of huzzah and cheek hurting smiles to almost make me forget how god damn sad I’ve been.

I was recently told that writing things out in such a public forum is just a barometer of feelings at that very moment. And it’s true that I’m just admitting my honest feelings tentatively and over a layer of apology. Despite each bit of good that happens and the number of hours I spent sunbathing over the weekend and the way cold Riesling feels on a perfect summer day, there are an equal number of times where I get hit by this wave of sorrow coupled with stupidity. It’s like walking at a normal speed, whistling while I work only to accidentally run into a wall. Though normally I would just keep on walking after hitting that wall instead I am jarred back to my rightful place upon the Throne of Misery.

While it might be true that while pain is a necessity in life but suffering would be option and it is also true that I deserve each and every single day of perpetual sadness (Karma Strikes Back!) I would not be in such depths of suffering if I didn’t feel like I was just sinking in it with no way of getting out. I’ve been good at not inundating everyone around me with how incredibly difficult and tiring every fucking day has been because it’s boring and unnecessary and who the fuck complains when generally speaking things are just swell? I mean I’m excellent at that shit but I’ve been trying to keep it to a minimum as of late so as not to disturb the readers.

But it’s so overwhelming and powerfully so that it’s hard not to just burst at the seams and say I am sad. I am so fucking sad and miserable and I’ve started eyeing my Lexapro seductively and saying “You and me, kid. Make me proud!”. I talk to plastic pill bottles and if that’s not completely pathetic then I don’t know what is.

So I’ve totally turned into that girl that I used to loathe and pity. The girl who gets all melancholy and weepy over some stupid guy and then whines about it. And of course there is a bigger story and I would love nothing more then to tell that story and then perhaps act it out on a very special episode of General Hospital, it’s just that fucking sordid and good. But I seem to have my limits and the dam has been broken and admitting that I’m now the sad and pathetic girl who forgets to drink her beloved coffee is a big step for me.

Which brings us back to the coffee. I’m just sitting here sipping it with The Boss playing in the background and ready to get out of this pity party for one and wishing that time would just move a little bit faster.

Milestones

May 26, 2008 | Filed under: The District Of Columbia, Whoopdie Doo

“Children make you want to start life over.” ~Muhammad Ali

Scene: Amy’s backyard. Amy and I are talking and Noah is standing on top of his brand spanking new play structure.

Noah: Hi Heather! Heather! Heather! HI HEATHER! HI HEATHER!

Me: Hey Noah!

Noah: HEATHER! HEATHER! HEATHHEEEEEERRRRR!

Amy: So then we decided on the Subaru even though we were thinking about the Volvos…

Noah: HEATHEEEEEERRR! HI HEATHER!

Me: Yeah, you might as well get the Subaru since it’s cheaper and it has the FWD.

Noah: HI HEATHER!

Me: HI NOSE!

Amy: Noah, what does an elephant do?

Noah: Demonstrates general elephant behaviors including stomping and using his arm as a trunk.

Amy: Are elephants tiny?

Noah: Nooooo.

Amy: Is mama tiny?

Noah: Noooo.

Amy: Mama is always medium in pictures. Is Heather tiny?

Noah: Heather is tiny

Seconds later

Noah: Petalsssss…

Amy: Yes flowers. We’re nice with the flowers. What do we do with the flowers?

Noah: Give them to Heather.

Me: (Dies)

Not five minutes later kid proceeds to sneeze in my face and then laugh at his effective germ spreading and then eats crackers all over my brand new black sweater. But this is a lovely improvement from screaming, hysterical flailing on the floor, puking because of his grand gag reflex due to teething and that time he pooped all over my freshly dry cleaned black pants. Thus leaving me more in love than I was before and very discreet tearing up because y’all HE SAID MY NAME. He likes me! He really likes me!

And then my ovaries popped out of nowhere and said, “Hahahaha! We’ve got you now, SUCKA!”

Activity Points

May 21, 2008 | Filed under: An ass the size of Rhode Island

“Weight Watchers can kiss the fattest part of my ass” - Jen Lancaster

Things that should have a Weight Watchers Activity Points Value:

1)    Getting undressed then redressed while upacking a suitcase while going through security in under 47 seconds.

2)    Running through a terminal then back to the beginning with heart rate increased upon realizing that your boarding pass is at security then running back through the terminal.

3)    Chasing after a plane.

4)    Lifting a laptop bag and 30lbs of camera equipment into the overhead compartment. (Think of your deltoids!)

5)    With the laptop bag, 30lbs of camera equipment on one shoulder and an oversized hobo bag on the other shoulder along with 40lbs of clothing and shoes in a large suitcase, chase after a MARC train in a station with an inoperable elevator. First run up a flight of stairs, across an enclosed bridge then down a flight of stairs behind an 80 year old man who seems to think that catching a train means walking slowly and deliberately like the train is going to sit there and give him an engraved invitation to take his damn time. Reach the train platform to see the train pull away. Then run back up the same flight of stairs you just came down, run back across the enclosed bridge, back down the next flight, tap your foot and bite your cuticles while waiting in line (an easy 150 calories burned). Oh! The train comes in three minutes! Run up a flight of stairs, back across the enclosed bridge then down a flight of stairs to the train and drag your possessions to a seat at the end of the last car and hoist your 40lbs suitcase to the overhead rack. Seriously, y’all an easy 350 calories burned.

And this morning? I’m currently sitting in bed and it feels like 897 tiny men are poking my upper back with fire pokers. Then after the poking they are kicking their tiny feet along my neck. It feels glorious. Also my ass is still fat. But soon my arms are going to be all “Welcome to the Gun Show.”

Familia

May 19, 2008 | Filed under: Familia, Fotografias, Humdrum, Whoopdie Doo

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” - George Burns

“So should I thank them?”

“Thank who?”

“The readers. I don’t want them to think I’m not appreciative. You know, my legions of fans”

Eye roll. “I think I mentioned you were away, but yes, you should thank them or I’ll thank them or something”

“Good, because I saw all of the comments and I’d like to do it again. I don’t want them hating me. So are you going to write about this?”

“About what?”

“About your family being here and visiting for your brother’s graduation”

“I have no clue.”

“Yes. You should write about your family being here and all of us converging here together at the same time and how it all just worked out and how great it is to be around family…and WHAT IS THAT LOOK FOR?”

“I mean, hell, are you going to start writing my posts now? I was just going to say ‘My brother graduated, here are some photos. Enjoy!’”

“Nooo. You should write about the importance of family and how we all came together and how I have to FORCE YOU to come to your brother’s graduation… and stop looking at me like that!”

The next day:

“What are you writing about?”

“Remember that conversation we were having the other day about how I should write about my family and how great it all was?”

“So you’re not writing about your family but you’re writing about the conversation we had when I was trying to force you into spending the day with your family?”

“Yup.”

“And look! You did it! You feel better now don’t you?”

“GOOD LORD, WOMAN. YES. I DO”

“Thank you”

And I meant it. Really. Even after 36 solid hours of complete family togetherness and seriously contemplating permanent celibacy, I still had a lovely weekend.