“I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.” – The Wonder Years
When The Break-Up came out I remember asking a friend of mine the requisite questions that would determine whether or not I should really spend the GDP of Djibouti on a movie. Her response was that it was funny and “realistic of a real break up” in that both sides found no issue in stopping at nothing to prove their former significant other wrong, to get back at the other side and to be as stubborn as possible while doing so. My response was dubious at best, for why would anyone want to drag out a break up? Why fight the inevitable? And what the hell kind of relationships are people in where when the end comes they aren’t doing a jig and smoking a peace pipe when it’s all over? There has never been a relationship that has ended when I haven’t fallen on my knees to thank God because why must you dip your fries in mayonnaise and chew with your mouth open? WHY?
(The mayonnaise dipper is married to someone else now. Once again; thank God!)
In my mind it bared close resemblance in absurdity to people who when asked about their relationships could only reply that it was ‘complicated’. The hell? What is complicated? You are either in a relationship with someone or you are not. And you can bet your pretty ass that the person that you are all ‘it’s complicated’ over is pretty damn sure one-way or the other as to the state of your relationship so the complication is probably in your mind.
I like for most things to be pretty clear-cut as it saves me from having to deal with endless piles of bullshit. Of course I believe that many things have a gray area but for the most part quick and dry would be my preferred way of dealing with situations. So when I found myself on the other side, the side when I could go back and forth for weeks on end spewing vitriol and only being able to refer to a relationship as ridiculously complicated, annoyingly so, well then I felt like an ass. I felt like an ass for rolling my eyes or questioning why a friend would and could feel so strongly about something that was torpedoing towards demise. I felt like an ass for not even trying to be understanding because there is no way to understand a situation involving the intricacies of a relationship until you find yourself in the throes of its ending while crying into dairy products. In the last several months and weeks no milkshake or caffeine laced frappuccino has been left unscathed.
Having seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall over the weekend and watching poor Peter Bretter get over the titular character while being a poor schmuck pining away and crying, I kind of get it. Because I am totally that girl who has had numerous crying jags over the smallest things. There have been evenings when I’ve been at my most pathetic and drinking anything and everything in the house because what else would all that leftover brandy from eggnog making be staring at me for? It wants for me to partake even if it is through annoying tears of pain; the pain of allowing exactly one person determine exactly how well my day would go. Of course in hindsight I’m in a lot less pain and instead there’s anger for allowing myself to get to a point where I’m feeling so utterly shitty because of ONE person. I very recently said that I am not a crier – honestly – and if I do cry it isn’t over the opposite sex it’s because of a death or because there is no more vodka left, but never over a male. That is when a friend told me that while I probably don’t cry over men, it is entirely possible to cry over love. And with that I cried some more.
Keeping most of this trauma inside has been a lot more difficult than I thought but I had to because it’s not just about me. There is an entire other person who has been hurt and upset and for every instance that I can point out his harsh behavior he can point to that time I threw a tantrum in the middle of Farragut West (Tourists! Come to DC to see the White House and the crazy, screaming lunatic!). I also needed to go through all that has occurred while wondering if this could really been my life. Unfortunately it has been my life and probably something that was inevitable that I go through: Heartache. Though not complete unrequited love. In fact if it were unrequited love I am sure that my life would be easier right now. And that I wouldn’t get out of bed only to get back in it 15 minutes later because the tears! Anyway this shit hurts. It’s an indescribable pain that probably will not cause irreparable harm and yet the last month has been one of the most painful things that have occurred in my short little life. Right up there with my sophomore year when I found out the hard way that I was severely depressed except this time there is no medical reason or diagnosis. Nothing makes heartache go away except for time. TIME. Not xanax not vodka not several shots of patron and a pitcher (or three) of margaritas but time. (The proper response here would be: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck)
A few years ago a friend of mine had a particularly bad break up and then came to visit me in Spain. She made me stay with her in her hostel because she didn’t want to be alone. I rolled my eyes but obliged. In the middle of the night she was still pining away and questioning her decision for a break up and complete separation and I remained silent while thinking “get the hell over it already”. It had been like three days. She told me that I didn’t understand because I couldn’t understand. Of course she was right and now that I do understand I really wish I couldn’t.
24 Comments
Yup. Time. That’s it.
The good news is: Time really does heal. The bad news is: Sometimes it moves like, well, like something that moves really slow.
I’ve been lurking for a while now, reading your wonderfully hilarious posts. But this moved me to comment, because YES! everything you said is true. And it’s sad and painful and I’m going through the same thing myself. Down to the dumb complicated relationship and breakup and time healing wounds and crying. OH THE CRYING.
It was so bad right after it happened the next day I took a photo of my face because I couldn’t believe how hilarious puff-tastic it looked. If you want I’ll email it to you. It will make you laugh.
Time. Best friend and arch enemy all in one. I’m lucky to have someone great now, but oi vey before him – I had a breakup that put me down for the count. And no matter how many times I told myself – hello suck it up walk it off get over it, I couldn’t. Like you, I’m not a cryer – but there were tears in buckets. There was pain. There was lack of sleep because hello how can you sleep when you keep replaying every detail over and over in your mind?? Fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkk about sums it up perfectly. So, the normal platitudes, you’re not alone, it happens to the best of us, yadda yadda yadda seem so blah therefore I say to you: Heather B. – I hope your time moves as swiftly as you need it to.
Break-ups freakin suck. You WILL get through it though. Let yourself be upset. Let yourself cry. It will help you to let it out and not keep it bottled up. Then slowly it will get easier until one day you will realize “Holy shit! I haven’t thought about him for 10 whole minutes!” Then to reward yourself you can have a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream.
It always shocks me–even though I’ve been through it more than once myself–how physical emotional pain can be. It’s a physically devastating thing, and it is never–not once in my experience–a clear-cut, black-and-white type-of-thing. And every time we see something nearing the end, we hold on tighter than ever before. We hang on, knowing it’s going to prolong the hurt, but not being able to stop ourselves. We pray we’re wrong even though we never, ever are.
Oh man, the questioning. The profanity of it all. Here’s hoping the words and the introspection will make the time pass quickly for you, instead of driving you crazy.
oh my Hell, could I have used a few more incorrect tenses in that last comment? jesus.
hope things start looking up soon.
You’re right. There really is nothing you can do, nothing to be said and I wish I had words. God I wish I had words to help you! All I can say is that I hope that the time will fly by for you.
Here’s hoping time flies.
Oh man, I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. Breakups are completely and utterly the suckiest things ever. I hope that every morning, waking up gets a little bit easier, and that the day when you don’t even think about it for 15 whole minutes after you wake up hurries along. Hang in there, and eat chocolate. It really does help. Endorphines or something like that!
I’m sorry you are feeling the pain. It sucks. And time moves slow. And nothing makes it feel better although liquor and icecream can briefly blur the edges of it.
Just remember that the heart is incredibly resilient. You will heal in time (mother facker, that whole time thing) and it will be scary as hell but you will put your heart out there again.
OK, so maybe time heals. But there are lots and lots of things you can do to pass the time.
Time helps. Distance too. My last bad boyfriend was the man I dated before meeting my husband. After our FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKINGLY painful breakup I moved across Canada to get distance for the summer, flirt with strange boys and drink with good friends. It took a few years to get over him, and 5 years later when I found out his mother had died of breast cancer I cried.
But he sure made me appreciate the awesome man who I met following that summer, and we have been together for 16 years now, married for 8.
Heartache sucks. And blows. I always find that getting far away from the scene of the crime helps.
Maybe you need a vacation?
(I’m always here if you need to talk. But you knew that.)
There’s nothing to be ashamed of in feeling heartache. I’m a grown up, theoretically, but it took deep soul-searching within myself, and seeing that another person cannot possibly make my life complete. A break up is like a death. The bad times understood, the good times appreciated, and the hopes you had for your future together must be mourned. The opportunity for happiness together is gone, and one must move on. It’s a very hard process.
Also, there’s nothing small or short about your life. Your life is yours, and wondrous. Difficult, yes, but great too.
I have had other tools that helped me as well, but that’s not a conversation for blog comments.
I wish you well.
Brilliant quote. That is one of my all time favorite shows. Aaron and nearly broke up once because of his actions and the physical agony of it all was almost unbearable. I lost like 10 lbs, I couldn’t sleep, study. I hope you get to the other side quickly.
It’s hard to even imagine what being over it will feel like when you’re in the thick of it, but you’ll get there. Hope it’s sooner rather than later for you.
My least favorite saying about all this is the “tis better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all’ BS….for tis better to have loved and lost and GOTTEN OVER it. Which you sound like you will do, in your own time. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. That’s what friends are for. Even virtual ones.
I wonder if break-ups have an inverse effect on one’s ability to cry? I am a cryer (as you know very well) and I haven’t had a single good cry yet. There have been some tears, but no real angsty jags.
Time helps. So does concentrating on yourself, on what makes you happy. Now is the time to indulge yourself – shopping, spas, a trip somewhere, buying sixteen different lip glosses at Target. Whatever you want. Seriously. It helps. I wish we were on the same coast because, GIRL, I FEEL YOU.
God, it is times like this that I wish I had a remote for life with a big freaking fast forward button. To just get it to STOP.HURTING.ALREADY.
I understand complication. And loss. And breakups. And love that doesn’t work and it is always, always, difficult to work through.
I will not blow sunshine up your rear by saying “It will all work out for the best and blah, blah, blah”. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. That is the suck and lovely wonder of life.
Just know you are loved to death. People are here. People who get it, which is ridiculously important in times like these.
I also agree with Moose. Get thee to Anthropolgie, woman! HUGS. You know I’m around. I have great ears. They are capable of listening to a lot.
Delurking to say WHAAAAAAAT??? Xanax doesn’t work?
Fuuuuuuuuck is right. I thought Xanax’s cured EVERYTHING!! Crap.
I once cried so long and hard over a break-up, I burst a blood vessel in my eye. Given my comment on your previous post about pain and my burst eardrum, clearly I am a bursty kinda girl.
I am with “time and distance.”
And I hated “The Breakup.”
Fuuuuuuuuuukkkk. Gobbled down your post, and felt every, painful word. Breaking up as I write this. Need to. It’s not ever gonna work. But dang…
sniff.
I like Xanax when I can get it. Otherwise I make due with plenty of Two-Buck Chuck and a pack of Parliment Lights.
Good luck to you. And me!
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[...] It’s currently 11:59 AM and just 20 minutes ago I decided to head downstairs to get my first cup of coffee for the day and then I remembered the greek yogurt and banana extravaganza I had sitting in my bag and hmm, perhaps I should think about eating in general. I am the last person on earth to just casually miss a meal and coworkers are actually afraid to speak to me until I’ve had coffee. I’m usually the one to suggest that perhaps intravenous lines of coffee might be the wave of the future so someone – but not me because I’m too damn lazy – should look into that. And the above has been my regular course of action for the last several weeks though peppered with the occasional bouts of huzzah and cheek hurting smiles to almost make me forget how god damn sad I’ve been. [...]