In praise of breathing
April 2, 2008 | Filed under: An ass the size of Rhode Island
“I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.” ~Ellen DeGeneres
So the other evening I’m sitting around in some jeans – which isn’t anything out of the ordinary but it’s always a good time when I’m wearing pants – when I noticed that when I first bought the pants covering my ass they could barely do their job given that they were a tad too small. And by ‘too small’ I mean that I couldn’t breathe in them and sitting in them required an act of God. Getting up from a sitting position to a standing position required holding of the belt loops with one hand and the button with the other because I thought that maybe the button would fly off and permanently blind a five year old boy. Then I would be that girl with the wide ass whose button seriously harmed some child, BUT! I would be able to breathe. Lesson for all the children out there: Sometimes you must suffer for another person’s happiness or another person’s ability to move oxygen throughout their body.
I bring up the pants because I am spending several of the next few days cuddling with a person who last saw me when my pants were so tight that blood circulation was briefly halted. I think she’ll be excited to see me because a) I still have all of my appendages and b) The extreme tightness around my waist did not cause the top half of my body to spontaneously fall off and go rolling down some stairs.
Seriously people, I was sitting in these pants just yesterday and I was like Whoa! Breathing while wearing jeans. What will they think of next? And now that these jeans are a tad too big, my new party trick is too remove them without unbuttoning or unzipping them. And since I have apparently turned into a 13-year-old boy, I might have to get drunk off of half a Smirnoff Ice and then go around mooning people. Then I’ll leave a note in someone’s locker before homeroom that says “Will you go out with me? Circle YES or NO” and decide the rest of my future with a rousing game of MASH.
Momo Fali says:
Hmmm…ironic that as I read this, I am stuffing my face with my son’s Easter candy.
uǝʞoʇ. says:
Awesome! AWESOME!
I bought new clothes recently, too. I’ve gone down 4 sizes in slacks and 2 sizes in shirts since this time last year.
Ain’t it great!
Nic says:
Yay for breathing with or without your pants on!
Angella says:
Nothing makes me happier than the feeling of beaing able to breathe with pants on.
My solution is to live in my yoga pants. I am all about the spandex, yo.
Loralee says:
I will totally go out with you.
Meet me behind the bleachers after last period.
gorillabuns says:
I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I were able to pull down my pants without sucking in, praying to not lose an errant button.