The day I turned into my mother
March 30, 2008 | Filed under: Familia, La Madre
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
On Friday evening I babysat for my seven-year-old cousin. She is the daughter of my 31-year-old cousin who used to babysit for me and even though I am mostly retired from babysitting, I feel moved to do her this favor after she endured a decade of torture courtesy of my punk ass. This includes that one time in the mall, when I loudly called her a bitch; because at nine, I had already mastered the art of pissing off someone in authority. In fact, I am so good at it now that I find myself in shock that I remain gainfully employed.
I arrived to a seven-year-old full of attitude and angst. And then she rolled her eyes at me and shook her neck at me and I had to restrain myself from removing each hair from her head. Instead I remained calm and asked what was the matter. It was the usual bullshit: She was forced to eat oatmeal for breakfast, she was forced to put on pants and then she mentioned a boy named Josh at her school. Something about how he used the word ‘penis’ and teased the girls in her class and sometimes he told really bad jokes. And for Chrissakes! He can’t spell orange! I was good and didn’t tell her that little boys grow up to be big boys. They’re just taller and harrier but just as goddamn stupid that she would be surprised that they’ve managed to remain alive for so long. There are times when I want to ask members of the opposite sex exactly how long their brains have been deprived of oxygen.
I kept my mouth shut, as difficult as that was, and told her that her choices were to either ignore him or be nice. She agreed. Then I told her that attitudes were unbecoming on young women so that if she had a problem with someone or something, then she should use her words instead of crying and throwing herself on the floor or tossing a random stool against the wall. Ho hum. Not 20 minutes later her head fell off of her body because she couldn’t eat my mozzarella sticks and then because I told her to go upstairs and brush her teeth and go to the bathroom and there was probably something else but I was busy trying to get an appointment scheduled for an emergency Tubal Ligation.
At that point in the evening, I told her to go to bed and then there were more tears because she NEEEEEEDED A STOOOOORRRRRYYYYY! And if she didn’t have a STORRRRRRYYYYYY then she couldn’t sleep. Then she tried to kick me and I now have her leg as a souvenir. Kidding! I really threatened to call her grandfather (my uncle). She continued to scream and carry on but went into her bed visibly afraid. Hell, I would be too. Her grandfather is a Republican and the last thing I would want to deal with at 8 PM is a cantankerous Republican. Anyway, she went to bed still crying about the damn story and so I told her that perhaps she would be able to defy biology and get to sleep without the story. And lo she did!
The next morning, I was up at 6 AM and I told her mother about what had occurred the evening before. She told me I handled it all very well as she would have picked her up by her ankles and tossed her into the snow. Or laughed. Whatever. I then left and went to the grocery store, Target and TJMaxx all by 9AM. When I finally got back home I looked like this:
True story.
She Likes Purple says:
Target is one of very few things I’ll wake that early for. And I’m way impressed you didn’t throw her in the snow yourself. I don’t think I could have shown such restraint.
slynnro says:
You age well.
Also, still firmly in Camp No Baby!
Angella says:
OK. I laughed out loud at the end.
And maybe giggled a bit throughout. I have a five year old who thinks he is FIFTEEN.
He is lucky that he lived through today.
Suebob says:
Hottt, baby hot.
I will file this under “All the reasons Aunt Suebob did not have children.”
Beckie says:
My eight year old will be turning 19 in May. I feel your pain. Target definitely helps. And Macy’s. And Mac. And Steve Madden.
Rhi says:
This is precisely why I am 29, single and childless.
Miss Britt says:
It’s because of stories like this that I can’t find a babysitter. Isn’t it?
Loralee says:
OMG. Laughing my ass off here.
That Saddity Chic says:
Oh m goodness. I would have had that little girl hemmed up lol. You really did handle the situation very well.
Camels & Chocolate says:
HAHAHAHA, and that is precisely why I know I won’t ever be able to have kids! Hell, a dog would be a challenge for me at this point in the game.
Well done!
Zandria says:
Oh, my god! Arrrgghhh! You’re much more patient than I would have been. Good for you for making it through!
Kristabella says:
Gawd, I can’t believe a seven year old ignored your sage advice!
And I’m also scared because my nephew turns 7 this year. Although boys (at least my nephews) are much less tantrumy than girls.
Momo Fali says:
This is why my sisters force their college-aged daughters to babysit my kids. It’s the best form of birth control there ever was.