Water into Wine
March 26, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes
“In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies” – Horton Hears a Who!
Yesterday afternoon I shut my office door, put my head on the desk and repeated to myself “Positive energy. Positive energy. POSITIVE. ENERGY. POSTITIVE GOD DAMN ENERGY MOTHERFUCKER.” You see, I have been on this whole positive thinking kick after The Roommate started brainwashing me with The Secret. She kept mentioning being positive and putting energy towards good and I kept thinking, “Awww, you can talk out of your ass? Neat party trick. Do it again!”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes and went back to riding her trainer bike in the living room for three hours, “You’ll see. Just try it.”
She had been putting ‘positive thoughts’ towards every aspect of her life including finding parking spots. And since I am a parking spot freak who will get home on Sunday at 1 PM and not want to leave until the next morning because I am parked right outside of the building; I figured I would try it as well. And wouldn’t you know that the first time I thought to myself “There will be a spot right here” lo there was a spot. Directly in front of the door to my building. A fluke obviously because thinking positively about something doesn’t necessarily bring joy and happiness. The next day I tried it again, when I had seven loads of laundry in my car and I needed a spot right in front of the building. I drove up my street and kept thinking “There will be a spot up here…”. Imagine my surprise when once again I could have reached out and touched my apartment from my car.
I flew upstairs and busted in on her and exclaimed that OMFG she was right and I thought positively about getting a parking spot (My joys, they come from even the mundane things) and OMFG I am parked right outside the damn building which means I can get up 15 minutes later and HOT DAMN I AM GOING TO BE POSITIVE IF IT KILLS ME.
So I have spent several days half-dead because being positive really might kill me and it is so difficult to be positive when everyone around you is negative or whiny or petulant and to all of you who have been reading for the last 2 ½ years: I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. Here, take this lovely plant – it’s an orchid bitches, don’t sulk - as my thanks for dealing with me for years. I’d give you something better but I think I owe my parents a kidney each and maybe my second born for dealing with me for 24 ½ years (omfg, please hold while I hyperventilate. I am on a trajectory to the wrong side of my 20’s).
I’ve been working on channeling all of my pent up white hot rage and aggression and general hatred towards most of mankind, into focusing on other things whether it be work or writing something or how awful jail would be if I really did choke the shit out of someone. I keep likening it to turning water into wine: Awesome. But next to impossible unless your name is Jesus. I’m trying to be kind not saintly. Which brings us to yesterday when I spent 12 hours riled up about one thing or another and taking deep cleansing breaths. For I really do get worked up over the most innocuous things and put offs. Both intentional or not but I feel compelled to work on not being so intense about things and letting the small shit go and when I do feel like maybe someone needs to get shot in their big toe for being a dumbshit, then I should re-channel those thoughts towards getting my taxes done or how next weekend I’m going to whisper sweet nothings into Chris Jordan’s ear.
I need to be a little more positive and instead of sharing every negative thought in my head (I hate the opposite sex! I am going to beat the hell out of my brother! I hate bracketology!) Then maybe I might feel better about people and life in general and more importantly abating those thoughts might keep me out of jail. I also don’t want to read back over this site 15 years from now and think, My God, I was a miserable little shit in my 20’s. Which explains why I am now sitting here alone with all of my preshus and adorably feral cats.
Mocha says:
I wish I knew my own “secret” for letting things go. It happened quite naturally and with age, but not necessarily with grace. Things that still irk me are mostly discussed with friends over some wine and their intellectual prowess helps me focus that into positive energy. But the wine helps so perhaps you could steal that little gem from me.
It also came from some advice from my best friend, Becky (whom you met the time I called you a zygote when we were poolside in San Jose):
Women, in particular, are always running around trying to get other women to behave.
Since I can’t get anyone to behave I just remember that I am in control of so few things.
Beth says:
Holy crap, that was funny! “POSITIVE GOD DAMN ENERGY MOTHERFUCKER”!
Some days, it’s just so frickin’ hard to see the bright side, but as my friends and I say to each other when one of us is bitching about something inane: “Tsunami.”
As in the catastrophic event that wiped out thousands and thousands of lives a few years ago.
It’s like perspective whiplash.
Beckie says:
“(omfg, please hold while I hyperventilate. I am on a trajectory to the wrong side of my 20’s).”
OMFG you can’t hyperventilate because that’s what I’m doing!! I am 28. Only 7 months and 16 days until I turn 29. And then, just a scant 365 days until 30. What the french toast happened to my 20’s I couldn’t tell you. But I assure you I am holding on to what’s left for dear life because seriously - I’m going to be 30!! I never fathomed I’d make it here. Not that I thought I would die or anything. I just never aged myself that far in my imaginary future. So um yea. Positive energy.
jess says:
i need to meet you someday. i’m going to channel that positive god damn thought for the next eon.
oh and thanks for the chris jordan link (NOT!!). yet another blog to waste time and lose myself in.
kat says:
the BF has been complaining lately about “bad energy” in the world and i just look at him like who are you?! my mom??? b/c she’s all about the positive energy. especially when it comes to a. findng a parking spot and b. shopping.
Loralee says:
This explains the THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS, WOMAN!!!! In your email. (HEE!)
P.S.
Jess-If you came to BlogHer you would TOTALLY meet her. (Sign up, dammit)
heather anne says:
I once adopted a feral cat and it turned out to be a great decision, even though it cost me 500 bucks at the time. Now she sleeps on my chest and purrs and purrs when I read Harry Potter out loud.
Jen says:
One of my sisters has that gift - parking spots in the front row just seem to APPEAR for her. Even aroudn Christmas, for Pete’s sake!
Just think of what else all this newfound positivity could bring into your life! Can I request that you start envisioning warmer weather? This 30 and 40 degree crap has got to go.
1) Which sister? 2) I was walking around outside with just a 3/4 sleeve blazer on today. It was AWESOME. 3) How have we never met??
Jen says:
Of course that should be AROUND, darn it! I hate it when I spell words incorrectly in a comment.
Carrie says:
I believe The Secret overall is complete bullshit but I guess the positive thinking aspect does have some merit…it can be hard to cast off that cynical side and just let things go. Alcohol usually helps, though.
It really, really is difficult. But like I said, the point is to try and be a little more positive and not waste so much energy being angry and upset with people. The point is that even a close friend can turn out to be an asshole. I can’t change their behavior but I can change the way I react to it. And then I can drink and have a xanax.
Heather B. says:
OMG y’all. So today my server has been down and so I couldn’t see a single comment. I spent all day thinking that no one loves me and no one is commenting and being so unpositive. BAD! And lo I come back here and can finally read comments and I feel all warm and sunshiny because I am trying really hard to be positive in the face of some pretty crappy and hurtful things. Anyway, I figured I would say thank you and puppies and unicorns and all that good shit.
Kerri Anne says:
This is so completely random, but hey! also related! because I received an email from an utter stranger today thanking me for being “so positive” while I was dealing with a miscommunication that occurred in our office. I wasn’t even being super helpful; at least, I didn’t think I was. It must have been the excessive! use! of exclamation points!
Also: I want to someday learn to poop butterflies, if only because that would be a pretty rad party trick.
Suebob says:
But but but you make complaining so much fun!
Angella says:
I just love that you (And Kerrianne! Of the pooping butterflies party trick! And the exclamations!) are so pee-my-pants funny.
Also.
Bracketology? Is that my problem? I am amazed that you still love me.
xo
No, no. Bracketology is a college basketball thing. During March Madness people fill out brackets for money in various pools to see who will get to the final round. It’s actually pretty fun and makes the rest of the month go by quickly but I am DEAD LAST. Which means that I might get my $10 back.
darla says:
OMG Heather. OMG! That was awesome and of course we don’t hold your attitude against you!
Also, I am laughing my ass off because 5 million POSITIVE FUCKING ENGERGY! repetitions couldn’t begin to touch today’s issues.
Jonathan says:
I think positive thoughts about receiving unexpected monetary donations in my post office box from kind strangers.
So far, nothing.
But I am POSITIVE it will happen … one day … maybe ……..
Jen says:
Sister is not the one you know - it’s the tiny one with dark hair that could possibly be a milkman baby. At least we tease her that she is.
It did get up to 50 degrees yesterday! I threw caution into the wind and wore my lighter winter coat!
We should meet! Although I am just a lowly blogger who is pretty crappy about updating, and I am rather intimidated by your ability to gather comments in the DOUBLE DIGITS! But we can commiserate about life in Albany, so that has to count for something, right??
Momo Fali says:
My husband filled out a bracket for himself, one for me, and one for our nine year old. He doesn’t care who gets the credit, he just wants the cash. If he wins, I’m going to tell him to go out and buy a rainbow.
Cheri says:
Found you thru Jennie (shelikespurple) and this entry was freaking hilarious. I’ve heard from time to time this “Secret” cult (and it is cult like to all us damn pessimists out there, positivity brings positivity? sheeeeit I say, sheeeit. And bah humbug too.)
But, on another note, all you beyatches here who are complaining about being on EITHER side of your 20’s SUCK because I am about to be MID-THIRTY (the HORROR) in a few months and would KILL to be 28 again dammit. So shut your pie holes already and enjoy not having lived 3 decades yet.
Cheri says:
I just realized that all of you in your 20’s HAVE actually lived about 3 decades (the 1-10’s, 10-20’s and 20-30’s) so I guess I should’ve said enjoy not having lived FOUR decades yet, which made ME realize that I HAVE lived almost 4 decades so thanks a lot for THAT realization.
Really, glad to have found your site. S’great.
Kristabella says:
First, good parking karma is always a good thing.
Second, it took me until about age 28 to get to an attitude where I try to be more positive. Try being the key word. Because while the bitter will eat your soul, it’s just necessary sometimes.