Today’s lesson: Sometimes pain is necessary if you ever hope to wear your favorite dress again
March 21, 2008 | Filed under: An ass the size of Rhode Island
“Pain of mind is worse than pain of body” - Latin Proverb
If several fires erupted at every single scale manufacturer throughout the world, I am pretty sure that it would be ok, as I would still have a mother who knows and notices my weight every single time she lays eyes on me. And she doesn’t do it in an obnoxious way but if we have lunch together after such an instance she’ll grill me on what I’ve been doing and tell me that I’ve lost a ton of weight. Something I do not blame her for since the better part of November and December, I spent looking like a blow fish.
I am one of those unfortunate people who gains weight in my middle. And then it slowly creeps north and south and then my boobs look awesome. But my face looks puffy. I feel puffy. And I’m also sure that if someone tossed me into the Hudson I would be buoyant. So let’s try that experiment later. It’s really hard to complain though when a) I still can buy all the frilly dresses I damn well please b) Gap has provided me with an ample supply of trapeze blazers for these occasions and c) My cleavage looks phenomenal. So I tend to go through these I look like a giant hot air balloon moments, knowing that it will pass and maybe McDonalds should stop making such tasty fries. Maybe they’re the problem. Not me.
During a particularly rough few weeks between November and December, weeks when I looked like I was hiding a beach ball under my shirt, I read about the Master Cleanse courtesy of Melissa. It wasn’t a ‘weight’ thing that led me to take notice as much as it was I could just feel vegetable oil coming out of my pores and several weeks of eating out at not the finest dining establishments was starting to make me feel generally icky. I’ll digress to be all After School Special-like, but it is rarely a weight issue and more about how I feel so blargh. It’s that I feel bloated and puffy and I’d really like for someone to stick me with a pin and then I’ll pop, type feeling. Anyway, I followed Melissa’s experiences and on December 26th after weeks of piling on the carbohydrates and Blue Moons I started because I really just wanted to get that shit out. I’ll spare you the gory details about a good salt water flush (It works!) and say that after 10 days, I escaped feeling refreshed, several pounds lighter, and with an aversion to sea salt. In fact, just yesterday I opened a cabinet to get out a spice, noticed the sea salt canister and gagged. But other than that minor setback, it was superb.
I felt better, like a feather (named Heather) and then several weeks later, my ever-sober, holistic, Kripalu loving roommate, mentioned something about a detox. And I being the ever-drunk, bloated, lemming that I am decided to follow. It was 21 days going gluten, egg, dairy, sugar and caffeine-free. It was surprisingly EASY. The caffeine part almost killed me dead and I thought of all the things I would rather be doing than having a constant pounding headache, like, say, watching clowns run around the room, but other than that, it’s amazing the amount of enlightenment that comes when you spend weeks staring at the back of food packages. Also, my survival is not determined by the number of burritos I can shove into my mouth. I did this for three weeks - and have continued to do so - which brings us to yesterday when my mother was staring at me slack jawed because I had the audacity to ask for brown rice in my paella for Easter and I would not be enjoying macaroni and cheese unless she was using soy cheese and gluten free pasta. And now friends and family are all how do you eat? And I’m all, do I really look like a person who would allow herself to starve?!? Uh. No. Let’s just say russet and sweet potatoes are my new best friends and I have a bit of a ‘thing’ for cabbage.
Speaking of my lemming status and the crazy shit I will do to make myself less circular: I was going to tell you about boot camp. Group exercise with a drill sergeant, three days a week at 5:15 AM. But it’s 7 AM and I’ve been up for three hours and I’m pretty sure that if I sit with my weight supported on my arm much longer, then it will fall off. Then you will have no more prose from me! Then what will you do? If this all sounds painful and torturous though it really isn’t and like I said I feel better which was half of my goal. The other half being that I look forward to the day when I can wear my white summer dress with pockets(!!) without looking like I’m smuggling a 32 week old fetus around in my uterus. The end.
Beth says:
Ah yes, the Master Cleanse. I do it once a year. People think I’m insane, but I find it fascinating that I can subsist on something so basic.
But don’t shun the mac ‘n’ cheese! Just have a little bit, once in a while. A life without mac ‘n’ cheese just ain’t worth livin’.
Beckie says:
I’m impressed. Very impressed. All that greasy pore pop me with a pin puffy feeling is very much how I feel!! I’ll spare you my personal story because clearly you have much to do already, oh and hellooo we don’t even know each other (although for what it’s worth I check here every day and have offically commented once before!). However I will say, you’ve inspired me. I shall pick up the book this evening and commence with online shopping of ingredients shortly thereafter. Just out of curiosity though - are you/were you a migraine sufferer? I only ask because I am - and the thought of giving up my caffeine scares me because that’s how I keep my migraines at bay without using prescription meds daily.
This comment made me realize that I did NOT tell you more about the ‘detox’ thing which is less ‘detox’ and more I eat this stuff and it’s good and fine and I haven’t starved to death yet. But that will have to wait because I just woke up from my three hour nap at 10:15 AM. Welcome to my world.
Allie says:
So about 5 months ago my aunt and I dropped in on a gathering of her fellow retiree pals playing what was probably their 25th hand of poker–i.e., they were plenty drunky-drunk. And these folks don’t appreciate good stuff like Blue Moon, they like their Budweiser straight up. Anywhosit, one of her pals looks at me with a bleary eye and goes “HEY ALLIE. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT??” Well, yes I had actually. “I CAN TELL,” he shouted, “YOUR FACE ISN’T AS…PUFFY AND BLOATED AS IT USED TO BE! YOU’RE LOOKIN’…KINDA…HOT!”
Moral of the story: be thankful that, if you are indeed at all puffy at any time, the passing of said puffiness is not marked by the inappropriate comments of an aged, drunk ex-postal worker friend of a relative of yours. Just saying.
Lissa says:
You are awesome. I don’t think I have it in me to do a detox.
I also gain weight around my middle and I HATE it and I feel like my face always looks puffy. Curse my damn big cheeks!
Velma says:
I, too, am an apple shape. An apple shape who just got an e-mail from her high school boyfriend who she hasn’t seen in 20+ years that the 25th high school reunion is this July! Woo Hoo! See you there!
Methinks there is a cleanse in my near future.
Camels & Chocolate says:
OMG, I did the Master Cleanse in January of 2007, and let’s just say I lasted only six days then ate back the weight I’d lost in one sitting. My roommates were happy when I finally caved, b/c apparently the Master Cleanse a cranky Kristin makes. I applaud you for making it through all of that, brava! I also gain weight in my middle — even when I was my skinniest in college (weird, right? But I guess b/c I was a collegiate athlete), I still had nice, soft love handles. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for the boost in genetics.
slynnro says:
Dude, have a colonic. Seriously. You will feel better.
Loralee says:
I had a torturous day in bootcamp. My arms feel like they are about to fall off and die.
Momo Fali says:
“I being the ever-drunk, bloated, lemming that I am…”
I do believe we were separated at birth.
Angella says:
Oh, this post seriously MADE MY DAY. Your wit and humour slay me. It all started with your category at the top, “An ass the size of Rhode Island”.
Heh.
I have contemplated cleanses and such, but I eat a lot of veggies and such already. I also could not give up the DC.
I am proud of you, though! I look forward to seeing that white dress in July
Zandria says:
I really can’t imagine doing the Master Cleanse — I’m glad you moved on to something else! Your current diet is pretty restrictive too, but not as bad. It certainly sounds like it requires some vigilance!
I’m very impressed that you’re doing a boot camp. I’ve been looking for something like that, too — but everything I’ve found so far, I’m a bit turned off by the cost! Maybe I need to set up my own boot camp course and start forcing myself to get up early in the morning.