February
February 27, 2008 | Filed under: Invierno, Sucks like a vacuum
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.”" ~Robert Byrne
Everyone had that kid in high school. You know, the one that was teased for being geeky and really short. Of course he eventually grows up and his formerly geeky ways manifest into some sort of genius. And now he’s a millionaire and ready to hand out personalized cans of whoop ass to those who teased him mercilessly for being short. He shows up each year for impromptu reunions, still short but now with his very own yacht and super enhanced ass-kicking mechanism.
February is like that kid. Always and forever short but now prepared to wreak havoc on every poor soul who once uttered how useless and possibly annoying the entire month seems to be. February obviously didn’t stop to think that maybe people have been mean to it because it goes around being all violent and kicking people in the head once a year. Perhaps that is why the average person gives it such a fond farewell: Because it will be gone and no longer around to fuck with anyone’s emotions. It’s like it makes up for it’s size by having a larger than life attitude, full of eye rolling, hands on hips and that stupid neck thing to show that it means business despite it’s diminutive stature.
I tell myself to be nice to it and not to egg it on. If I am kind then maybe it will be kind right back. But nope. Misery loves company and February is a miserable little shit who apparently didn’t get enough love as a child. No wonder that come Friday, I will be celebrating its departure with balloons, sparkly confetti and the brightest god damn streamers this side of the Mississippi. And wine. God forbid I forget the wine.
slynnro says:
Agreed.
And I hate February a little more this year, for it has stood between myself and shopping for far too long.
Angela says:
Yep, the only thing February has going for it, is that it’s not January.
Momo Fali says:
Isn’t it great that we got an extra day of it this year? If I hear one more person tell me they “actually don’t mind winter”, I’m going to knock them flat, or spit in their face, or take their parka and shove it up their ass.
Oh, and I’m certain you won’t forget the wine.
Clink says:
Didn’t Ben Folds write an awesome song about that short kid?
And also, February is totally a little shit.
elise says:
Ha, February IS a miserable little shit. So true!
helena says:
February? Really? For me it’s October. That vengeful, torturous bitch. I hate her.
samantha says:
Ha ha ha ha ha. You must live in my neck of the woods. After yesterday afternoon’s commute home (a 15 minute drive that took 2 hours because of all the fear and stopping and crying and such) I may never be able to get in my car again. Thanks February, you rock!!
dustbury.com says:
Is it March yet?…
I seldom have anything nice to say about February, given its position near the end of winter when you’re pretty much fricking sick of the cold, the necessity of having to think about its pronunciation — there’s an R in……
Michelle says:
WORD! I just had to delurk because I wrote something about how February sucks monkey balls… it has been awful and i just cannot wait for it to be over. it’s like the real transition into the new year, after everyone’s settled in and all the holiday cheer has worn off…. then the world returns to being a big, giant, huge, asshole.
also, don’t forget, you also have various forms of beer and hard liquor to help you through this painful time. i’ll be drinking to the end of this month tomorrow… heartily, even if i do have to get up at butt crack on saturday morning. it will be worth it. cheers.
ali says:
february has completely kicked my ass this year. -20 degrees (that’s -4 to you folks south of the border) is just a super bitch move.
Camels & Chocolate says:
Awww, everyone always hates February so much, and it’s my favorite month (though it’s much easier to say that now that I’m in sunny NorCal and not blustery NYC): It’s my birthday month AND Valentine’s day, and that’s about all I need to love it!
Noelle says:
And this February has been especially cruel, and it’s a day longer than it should be. March better give us some cuddles or I’ll scream.
Kristin says:
Maybe it’s because I have a secret penchant for surly, tiny things but I kind of like February. The crocuses arrive and the air smells like Spring, some days. March is better though, you’re right.
Aimee Greeblemonkey says:
I hate February, true, but I hate January more.