The Idiot Box
January 22, 2008 | Filed under: Oh The Stupidity You'll See
“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.” ~David Frost
On one of my sojourns to California Abigail asked if I watch television. I held my tongue briefly and responded with a rather innocuous “Yes. Why?” While on the inside I felt the burning sense of the impending explosion of detailing my meticulous television viewing schedule. She responded that I never speak of it, so she figured that I did something else with my time, like say read books or actually leave the house. On the contrary, I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to admit that I watch an embarrassing amount of television. As in (almost) every night, my roommate comes home from being out and social to find my misanthropic ass, planted on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, wine glass in left hand, mesmerized (and possibly drooling) by HDTV. I like to think of it as playing catch up from all of those years of having no cable or DVR and practically jumping up at the chance to babysit so I could have some quality time with MTV. I’ve spent the last six years sitting on hard bar stools and making pleasant conversation about party politics, I think that I am well within my right to stare at the bright, flashing lights of a television until my retina gives out. Don’t you agree?
When I moved in with The Roommate, she made some mention of On Demand. I said “cool” and she said “But really, it’s awesome” and I was like “Dude, I’ll get a life one day.” The score currently stands at Getting a Life: 0, Abuse of On Demand: 487.
Much like any good codependent relationship, it started off with casual usage and has since grown to epic proportions with me sneaking in some quick time between errands or before work. And to think that there are people who think I’m drinking during those hours. Pshaw to the naysayers, I usually save the drinking for immediately after work. To some it might be sad and pathetic and perhaps this is why I am perpetually single. But for me it’s just discovering the joys of premium cable (Seriously, you’d think I’ve been living in a cave. Who are these Spencer and Heidi people that you speak of?) after a half-decade (makes it sound longer, no?) absence.
The natural question would be So, HB, what are you watching these days? Well, friends, thanks to the advent of Netflix and Showtime, I am currently obsessed with The L Word. In fact everything can be compared to some character or situation on The L Word and suddenly the name ‘Dana Fairbanks‘ comes out of my mouth like seven times in one evening. Also please ignore the fact that at times they take ‘Seriously?! Seriously’ to a whole new level. But the analysis that I and others - but to implicate them in my little rant would be a bit rude - have put into the show is rather breathtaking. If you think that one cannot possibly spend an entire dinner party discussing why Jenny Schecter is such a dumbshit and should probably be punched in the face, then obviously you’ve never been to my house.
Jenny Schecter. Jenny motherfucking Schecter. I’ve been trying to come up with the proper adjectives to describe her and each is far worse than the one before. If you think I’m vapid, annoying, pretentious, bitchy, whiny and I make you want to stick [insert sharp object] into your [insert sensitive orifice] then you really haven’t seen a thing yet. You would have to see it to believe it but every Sunday, while most people are getting ready for church and family time, I’m counting down the hours until I get to call Jenny Schecter the ‘c’ word with wild abandon. And what makes me dislike this particular (and completely FAKE) person even more is that there has been ample opportunity to kill her off (like at the end of last season when she was sent floating on a raft into the Pacific ocean) and yet she’s still there. Living and breathing and just when one thinks that there is no way in hell to dislike her even more, she manages to get dumber. It would be the equivalent of making Meredith Grey (who I despise a little less) a secondary character and having her go through that ‘Pick me, choose me, love me’ stage every week for five seasons with no hope of ever getting rid of her even if the show isn’t about her.
I just had to take a few deep breaths there for surely this much anger is not warranted. But now one can see why I never speak of television and this will be the one and only time; because I get too involved and then I get angry and then I spend 52 minutes hoping some dimwit’s head falls off. This all probably means that Mia Kirshner is an excellent actress as she excels each week at forcing some semi-necessary brain matter out of my ears. She’s the girl I truly love to hate.
Momo Fali says:
Ohhh! I love to hate people! I have to watch this.
Katie says:
Those premium channels are putting out great original programming. Once you’re through L Word, move to Weeds and then Californication. Awesome Awesome.
Diane Mandy says:
One thing I miss most from life in the U.S. is cuddling on the couch with a nice of vino and watching some goold ol’ trash TV. We have a satellite here which isn’t working yet and have had to resort to watching 24 on DVD. Just not the same…
heather anne says:
One of my all-time favorite L Word exchanges:
“Oh, my God, it’s Monet. Monet has come back from the dead and he wants me to give you a message. He says, ‘I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend, Alice.’”
“Oh, wait, he’s talking to me! So weird. Huh? What? Okay, I’ll tell her. He said don’t ever fucking compare yourself to him.”
Erika says:
I hate Meredith Grey too! My husband and I have been trying to figure out how they can get rid of her even though the show is named after her. I haven’t watched The L Word. I will have to try it.
Travis Mamone says:
Yeah, I’m a TV junkie too. Damn you, American Idol!
Lissa says:
I watch a lot of TV, an embarrassing amount actually, but I just like to think that I am keeping up on current events. We will have to discuss all our shows over a bottle of wine.
Jhianna says:
That is such a perfect description of her: Jenny motherfucking Schecter. I lost track of the show two seasons ago then picked it up last year on Demand (which is a wonderful, time-suckingly awful invention). I almost threw things at the TV when I saw her still on the show. I didn’t think it was possible to make her more unlikable, but they keep astounding me.
Dagny says:
For quite some time a friend has been trying to get me to watch “The L Word.” I guess I’d better move it up on my Netflix list. Oh, and I must admit that I recently corrupted a friend by showing her the wonders of On Demand.
She Likes Purple says:
I actually really like Meredith’s character. Other than the odd heavy-breathing-during-every-monologue thing she does, I find her so screwed up and so flawed, I actually relate to her an almost embarrassing amount.
slynnro says:
We JUST got DVR (no Tivo yet) and it has changed my life. So freeing!
As for the On Demand, it comes in handy, as Flight of the Conchords is available. I put on the Hiphopopatamus episode and yet to the husband “DANCE!” Who cares about a writer’s strike when you have that to look forward to?
slynnro says:
yell to the husband, not yet to the husband.
fairydogmother says:
Delurking because “Jenny motherfucking Schecter”? Pretty much sums up why I have a love/hate relationship with this show and no matter what they put us through like, oh I don’t know, killing beloved characters, I cannot stop watching.
Although I really wish Jenny motherfucking Schecter had been lost at sea, it does appear as if they are setting her up for a major fall. Which I will rewind and watch repeatedly using the beloved On Demand!
amanda says:
OOOOOOOO! HB you just filled a great void in my life. I have been LONGING for someone with whom I could bitch about Jenny Schecter!!!!!!!!
But Shane. My God how I love Shane.
Aimee Greeblemonkey says:
Netflix is making up for me not having cable.
Alicia says:
I know if I got cable I would never leave the house myself but I am soooooo close to giving in…
metalia says:
I have GOT to start watching this show.
Angela says:
I canceled my Blockbuster subscription a few months ago because my DVR was getting so overloaded with shows that I’d had 4 DVDs sitting on top of the tv for two months and I was sick of paying $25 a month for them. And then a week later the writer’s strike began. I am now deeply regretting that money-saving decision.
The L Word was coming up rapidly on my queue too. Sigh.
JennC says:
Oh, so you mean it’s not just me? Thank gawd.
mabel says:
Hear! Hear!
I expressed similar sentiments about Jenny Motherfucking Schechter a couple of weeks ago. I’m SO tired of her character. She adds absolutely nothing of value to the show or the story lines. She’s a tired, vapid, empty-headed bitch who should have been knocked off back in season two or three. Wretched character.
Oh, and fwiw, I’ve seen Mia Kirshner in other stuff (The Black Dahlia comes to mind) and she’s actually not a very good actress. In fact, the whole time you’re watching her in something else, you’re thinking, “That’s that fucking dimbulb, Jenny Schechter. I hate her.”