By the seat of my pants
January 19, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Inebriated prose, Whoopdie Doo
“We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.” ~Roderick Thorp
So, I’m sitting here having some wine and in my jammies. There’s some self loathing and the HBO signature channel which is like Lifetime lite; the kind that will only leave you kind of teary eyed but without full on sobbing. And suddenly I have this great epiphany, but it’s not an epiphany and more like “HEY DUMBASS! OVER HEEEERE!” I literally sit upright and realize that hey, dumbass, you are not in control. Then relax back on the couch and say ‘huh…’ to myself.
I talk to myself a lot when alone. I probably should get out more but that’s an entirely different conversation.
I apologize for this rambling and extraordinarily vapid post of introspection but I swear to God, for the past month I’ve been waking up and saying “Whatever happens, happens. It will be fine.” I write it out, I say it out loud, I tell friends all in an attempt to convince myself that things happen for a reason and things aren’t as bad as they seem because this is the first time that I’ve been completely out of control. There is no back up plan when things inevitably plan and I have ALWAYS had a back up plan. Obviously nothing is 100% definite but even when things have been at like 99.9% definite there is always a back up plan. I don’t want to end up completely unprepared.
Anyway, I’m on my couch realizing this and I smack my hand down and I don’t know…I figure why the hell not enjoy myself and be spontaneous? Fuck, the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done is go to Oklahoma City and even that required some sort of planning and stress and hand wringing through Midway airport. But suddenly I don’t know…I don’t feel stressed…I’m just thinking ‘Okie dokie, here goes nothing. Stock up on the Pinot.’ I’m just gonna fly by the seat of my pants and I will inevitably fall on my ass. But for the first time ever - good lord, I am pathetic - it’s going to be OK. And holy hell, am I happy.
whoorl says:
Of COURSE it’s going to be OK! You are a rockstar, mahdear.
Moose says:
Cheers to self loathing! Not that it’s fun, or that we should be doing it. But sometimes, it just happens.
And you are awesome. I’m going to go drink a glass of wine in your virtual honor.
Kristabella says:
If you’re OK, it sounds like it is fine to me.
And staying in may be a good thing. Especially when you actually end up going out and tripping down the step you thought was invisible and turning your ankle. Which you realize is STILL sore as you got up to refill your vodka/Kool-Aid drink.
gorillabuns says:
does this mean you’re moving to OKC?
Hell no.
Nic says:
Somehow, some way it all just works out. If only that was so clear when you’re freaking the fuck out about something.
Angella says:
I agree with Whoorl. You ARE a rock star.
Suzanne says:
Heather, everything I’ve read tells me what a strong and determined person you are. You WILL conquer whatever obstacles you face.
Enjoy that Pinot and wearing the jammies. You will rock no matter what happens, where you go, or who you are with.
candace says:
amen. I’m gonna sit on the couch with some drinks and football and listen to your voice in my head.
whimspiration says:
It takes one hell of a strong person to handle no backup plan. I wish I could be comfortable with that kind of self-given freedom.
LisaB says:
Do what I talk about, a weekend of “America’s Next Top Model.” If that doesn’t cheer you up then what can I say
Assertagirl says:
Sometimes it feels great to say “fuck it”. I need to practice doing that more. And I also need to stock up on the pinot.
Mrs. Flinger says:
Wine in your PJ’s and a revelation sounds like a pretty amazing night. You amaze us all, woman. Muwha!
nopasanada says:
Suddenly I feel as if it seems like I’m fishing for compliments or something. Which is so not the case. I feel bad writing about all of this rather introspective shit and being thoughtful because not all of it is just about me (SHOCKING). What I’m trying to say is that there are things that are completely out of my control and it’s thrilling and terrifying at the same time. It’s sad but it’s taken me YEARS to get to a point where I’m allowing things to be rather fluid for the sake of my sanity and someone else’s happiness. But like I said, in the end, it will all be just fine, blah blah blah.
Ok, now I’ve said far too much and I’ll probably get reprimanded for it later. At any rate, I must find a paper bag to breathe into once again because I HAVE NO CONTINGENCY PLAN.
Momo Fali says:
Ahem…I’m here to reprimand you.
Life has no contingency plans. Life is just life, and sometimes life sucks. There is no amount of planning that can prepare you for some of the curveballs you’ll get thrown. In order to maintain my sanity, I have adopted the phrase, “I surrender”, and I say it…a LOT.
Now put down your paper bag, surrender, and drink more wine.