Imperfectly perfect
January 18, 2008 | Filed under: Comes And Goes
“Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.” ~Miles Franklin
When Kris writes about relationships I always feel like I’m right there with her. Not only is she a gifted writer but also an excellent friend to have, always full to the brim of good advice and wise words that resonate and are more than a perfunctory ‘Men suck’. I say it, too of course; that the opposite sex is around just to ensure I get my money’s worth in therapy. Most everyone does it Everyone needs that friend that can look at the bigger picture which is something that I, at times, am seriously lacking, especially when it comes to analyzing relationships. And not just my own I might add but others. Which of course begs the question as to why on Earth one would come to me looking for sage advise on any sort of relationship with any person? Me? The person who is perfectly content sleeping and living and (I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but what the hell) possibly breeding alone. I am not one to go to in any sort of uber relationship crisis. I am just not equipped to deal with such things and in my mind all I’m thinking is “Wouldn’t you be happier…I don’t know…ALONE?” while I’m nodding and pretending to really feel for my friends.
I remember a few years ago, a close friend was having relationship woes and I was out of the country. I could only hear of stories and things based on hearsay. It’s hard to get wrapped up in everything that is going on across an ocean while riding camels in a desert near Marrakech. It was hard because I ended up being the bad friend; the one who started judging and eye rolling and not really listening. I still feel shitty about the entire situation some three years later because I was so completely wrong with my automatic assumptions. But that’s how it goes; people tell stories in short bursts, stories that rarely show a complete picture. Stories that are usually shared with girlfriends out of anger or frustration and alway over a good bottle of wine. Either way it’s during those times when you want someone to commiserate and understand and say “YES! He’s an asshole! He made you cry” even if there is so much more that isn’t being said.
Relationships - any relationship - are labyrinthian in their complexities. In which two people have a connection with each other that would be impossible for another to understand. I’m not trying to be my naive Pollyanna-like self nor am I claiming to be an expert; I just find it ludicrous to think that one knows all about how two people interact with each other based upon a simple blog post or a 25 minute conversation during which one of the parties is completely shit faced. Each is different and each must be navigated in their own complicated ways. Perhaps vexing to a third party; you know, the friend that always chimes in with “Dump his ass” (that would be me, by the way) but in the grand scheme of things all might very well be good. I think the kids call it ‘venting’.
I think about these things some times. Knowing full well that no relationship will be perfect. I wonder how much effort I would put in (knowing me, a metric fucking ton) and whether or not I would compromise on the things that were always ‘NEVERS’. Would I have outbursts and bitch to my friends about my annoyances while announcing that he is one fickle motherfucker? (Um, have you met me? Have you even remotely perused any of this site? Then YES). But that would never be the complete story because I’d only want and could only portray my side; which would be the right side at the moment (DUH). Despite the imperfections - superficial and real - after the venting is over and a good buzz is procured, I want to be able to look him in the eye and say “I am a better person with you in my life and no matter what I love you”.
(Oh my god, I might have just gagged. The sentimentality is killing me. Next week we’ll be exploring the following topic: Grey Goose or Ketel One: Which would you rather bathe in? Discuss.)
slynnro says:
This is how I feel about my husband, and it is rough going getting there, but you’ll get there with someone.
I personally am very bad at being the supportive friend. I’m like you- just break up with him, he sucks. Of course, if I had told all of my friends about the beginnings of mine and Aaron’s relationship, they would have told me that about him. So even if it is bad, sometimes it gets better. Which is why to some degree you have to withhold the negative opinions and the judgment. And that is not exactly easy for me.
Beckie says:
Ok so I’ve been reading you for awhile - but never have I commented. (This, I believe, is what the kids call “lurking”?) Any-hooo - I just wanted to say - I can relate to what you wrote. I feel slightly embarrassed to say that at 28 I am in my first REAL relationship. I mean really real - we both have taken the time to build this thing from the ground up - late night talks about who we are, where we want to go, the whole nine yards. He’s great. He’s what I never thought I deserved, or even existed. That being said - he’s human and so am I - and there are days where I NEED that 20 minute ranting about how obtuse he was over something so trivial to my girlfriends or I might positively combust! I would hate for our relationship to be judged solely on my little rant and I’m fortunate enough to have friends who get that. Sounds like you are too. You are absolutely right when you say no relationship will be perfect. Who would want it to be? Who could even make that happen? Perfect relationships would require perfect people and where are they hiding? At the end of the day, venting over a bottle of wine or during a day of shopping is sometimes just what is needed to look him in the eye and say “I am a better person with you in my life and no matter what I love you”.
gorillabuns says:
i for one, am glad most people forgot or at the very least forgave, my husband’s stories of yore.
Bone says:
whether or not I would compromise on the things that were always ‘NEVERS’.
That’s one I still struggle with. Establishing that line of what I’m willing to compromise and what I’m not.
It seems to be going pretty well so far though. I have no complaints
Great post, pal. Pensive, enlightening, real.
Kristabella says:
My friends ask me for relationship advice too, and I’m all “right, because all my knowledge comes from TV and movies.”
“I am a better person with you in my life and no matter what I love you”.
I think this is the reason we all keep going through the crap. Because we’re looking for that person. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less.
Erika says:
Yes, what you said.
Dagny says:
See? That’s why I decided last year to not write as much about the guys who I date on my blog because I realized that people were commenting on my perceptions of the relationship and not the full picture.
sweetney says:
grey goose. heh. MWAH!
nopasanada says:
Grey Goose! Yes! I recently had a friend try to sell me on Belvedere. Yeah fucking right.
Giselle says:
Patron! Is that not a choice?
Patron can be a choice. An ‘other’ if you so choose. All I’m saying is that it rarely leads to anything good. I mean that first shot and then the “whoo!” stage. But the next morning, man, oh the next morning. I’ve been there and I’d prefer not to go back.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:
I’d bathe in Ketel One, but I have a suspicion that either one would burn.
Ouch!
Momo Fali says:
You gagged? I threw up in my mouth a little.
Can I say that my life is better because my husband is in it? Yes, but that sure as hell doesn’t make it easy. It’s not all sunshine and puppies over here. It’s more like partly cloudy and mutts with bad breath.
Obviously I’m not completely devoid of reality and I know that things aren’t going to be perfect, but isn’t that what the vodka is for?
Zandria says:
The sentimentality may be killing you, but there’s nothing wrong with that. I think what you want sounds great.
Aunt Rachel says:
Alone
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can’t use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They’ve got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Maya Angelou
She Likes Purple says:
I find you just fabulous.
I try to be really honest about my relationship with Mike while staying very loyal to him. Some parts of our relationship are not (and never will be) for other eyes/ears. I try to convey that marriage is really REALLY hard and that there are days (when I’m sitting in traffic, doing the dishes, looking at the ninth Frys charge on our bank account statement) I wonder why going at it alone never occurred to me. Life is just, so, relentless. It doesn’t stop. But my husband is so many things that I want my life to have (and my future child to have). He makes me laugh. And I find him really adorable.
Relationships are so tricky. There’s no point (and do him no good) by pretending all is well and fine and ignoring a single thing that may pop up. And NO ONE will ever know what a couple is like when they’re by themselves. Do they laugh easily? Do they snap? Do they touch often? Do they hardly look at one another?
To me, love is a commitment. If you commit to someone, nothing should matter more than that commitment. It’ll never be easy but it’ll always be worth it.
That whole comment was rather rambling and disjointed. In short, I love my husband more than I love shoe sales. But every now and again, I’m OK (no, I LOVE) when he goes out with the guys giving me free rein over the fridge and the TiVo.
I can’t weigh in about vodka (am a loser), but let me know when you start chatting about champagne. THAT conversation I can contribute to.
Because my heart still harbours compassion « Milkshakes with a Tummyache says:
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