Great moments in narcissism
January 9, 2008 | Filed under: Great moments in narcissism
“The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.” ~Ellery Queen
I’ve just returned from lunch with a friend of mine. I spent the entire hour with my head halfway bent down and my hand resting on my chin. I probably looked very thoughtful but in reality I didn’t want her to see the unibrow that I had been growing for the past six weeks nor did I want her to see the hairs on my chinny chin chin. Because obviously that is what she would spend her entire lunch hour doing: In lieu of exchanging gossip she was counting the number of wiry motherfuckers that kept sprouting out of nowhere. At the end of lunch she admitted to me that she feared I would notice the black jacket she had carried along in the event that it got below 70, because she was wearing brown pants. And of course the first thing I would notice is the brown/black combination but that would be assuming I lifted my head up long enough to take a quick peek.
I’m always amazed by women, myself included. How we constantly feel that others are staring at us and noticing our slightest outwardly flaws. I remember before BlogHer last year when the women folk were primping; haircuts, manis and pedis and waxing errant hairs all with the hope that no one would notice a dry nail cuticle or uneven bangs. I was guilty of it to as I went to get my bikini line done and made seven trips to Anthropologie; because God forbid I didn’t have a cache of perfectly fitting and cleavage flattering shirts to choose from. Perhaps it’s just me but I’m of the belief that women do these things for other women. The typical male probably wouldn’t notice half this shit; the new bags, the new shoes, a new hair color. But a woman? A woman would notice it all in a heartbeat. Upon first meeting with that quick up and down glance and then a mention of how cute a jacket is or where a pair of shoes are from. Hell, I once bought new bras not just because they were necessary but because other women would notice that my boobs were hanging precariously close to my abdomen. It’s what once prevented me from discarding a Tiffany blue bag and instead using it for three months to carry my lunch in. Because that’s just how we women are are. It’s in our DNA to look closely and judge even if we don’t realize that it’s being done, there we are inspecting shoes and bags and labels. It’s what led me to say out loud but to no one in particular “What the HELL was she thinking wearing those ugly shoes with that skirt”. All the while walking down the street with greasy cortisone covering half of my face after the forced eviction of the two caterpillars that had been building a kick ass cocoon on my forehead.
Alison says:
I feel this way. A lot. When I took my daughter shopping recently, I think it was more for me than for her. How sad is that?
Clink says:
I feel that this particular female dynamic is only magnified in New York City and if I think about it too much, I won’t leave my apartment.
I am meeting a friend I only know via my blog in a month or so and I am already planning outfits and thinking about how I need a manicure, new shoes and other various accessories and upgrades before I am “presentable.”
And now I think I need some new bras too.
Angela says:
Mmhmm, mmhmm, and yep. It’s so true, and I wish judgment was something I could take medicine for to wipe it out. I get an entirely guilty satisfaction out of giving other women on the train the up and down glance and then comparing myself against them. And of course if I’m doing that, I can only imagine that at least 75% of them are doing the same to me.
Which is why I wake up early enough to put on my makeup every morning. No matter what!
slynnro says:
So sad. So true. I do this constantly, and admittedly, I notice such things about people. I don’t judge about it. But I notice. Or if you notice it, are you automatically judging? Lord, I don’t know.
That’s part of why I am doing the whole no shopping thing. I am constantly trying to make up for what I fear I might lack with a cute dress.
P.S. If you come vote in my poll on the blog, I will be eternally grateful.
Dagny says:
You are quite right. Women are more likely than men to notice. Some days I care but most I just put on what makes me happy.
Angella says:
This dynamic is not too bad in my small town, but I have to admit that I have already planned to get buffed and waxed for BlogHer.
Sigh.
The dynamic isn’t bad in upstate NY either. But this was written from the District of Columbia. Where I feel it necessary to get all primped not just for other women but also because I don’t want people seeing me for the first time in months and being like “Duuuude! Did you see HB? She looked like shit. I guess Upstate NY hasn’t been too kind to her”. You know?
slynnro says:
I have to amend my comment, as it is obviously partially a lie.
I don’t judge my friends about such things, unless it’s something really bizarre.
But it is perpetually open season on people I don’t know or don’t like. Which is really bad.
But I must confess, I have a friend who has worn the same outfit the last 5 times I have met her for lunch or something. I know she has more than one shirt, so I’m starting to wonder what is up with that.
I’m not nice sometimes. I gotta fix that.
manda says:
I’ve always felt like women dress/primp, etc. for other women. Though I have to admit, if I attended blogher..I’d probably get all spiffed up.
Kristabella says:
Totally agree. We women do it for other women, not for guys. It’s because other women wear the same things and have similar primping rituals as we do, so they know what we’ve done or not done. And they notice.
We can be catty bitches like that sometimes.
Suebob says:
We need to learn to brag more. I am magnificent - how about you? (I already know the answer to that. You shine like the summer sun!)
Ok fine, I rock. I know and I just can’t help it.
Loralee says:
I do not know what it is that causes women to be so judgmental about each other and yet we are.
Like a woman needs to have her eyebrows done when ours are perfectly groomed makes us just a little bit “Superior”??
Sigh.
nopasanada says:
The ironic (maybe) part is that we spend all of this time doing these things to make ourselves look hotter for other women and half the shit we have done or that we do, doesn’t even feel good! There is nothing pleasurable about getting waxed. I have these great peep toe heels that are just to die for, those motherfuckers hurt my feet after an hour. But do I wear them? Of course! Because other women think that they are cute.
I’d start a revolution and stop doing these things but then I’d be hairy and wear crocs or uggs all the time. It would not be pretty. I just wonder if there is some sort of happy medium out there.
Lori says:
So sad, but so very, very true. I go back and forth between saying “aw, fuck it, who cares?” (my intermittent showering and lack of makeup I offer as evidence) and physically torturing myself out of fear that I’ll be judged. It’s why I like the “I dress like a slob every day”-type groups. They allow me to own my lack of style. And confidence is all about OWNING IT.
Katie says:
all true.
Bridal Bird says:
See the key is comfort. That’s why we could have a delightful dinner inhaling fatty cheesy lard poofs and cocktails! Mmmm…good company and fatty cheesy lard poofs….aggghhh….
She Likes Purple says:
Yep, it’s a fear of mine about BlogHer 08. Have to look fabulous. Have to have new shoes. Have to be thin. I’m annoying myself even.
How about, if we are fortunate to meet up in July, we decide to judge only the other’s ability to handle a shot of tequila
Diane Mandy says:
It’s a great observation and so very true. Women dress for other women. I use to feel that pressure. If I went more thn a week without a manicure I felt as though I should move to Europe for fear I run into another woman I know. Thank God I now live in Europe!
jess says:
well, you’ve summed me up in a single blog post.
fuck me.
Erika says:
My husband told me this a while ago. He said he didn’t care if my eyebrows were bushy. He actually liked them because all three of our children have my bushy brows. All I can think about is how cute my baby girl will look when she is old enough to get her brows and upper lip threaded. Is that sick or what? I don’t think about boys though. I think thick, bushy brows on a man is sexy as hell. On a woman, not so much.
Tricia says:
A few years back I was organizing a high school reunion and as a result was talking to old friends. The one conversation I remember, was talking about how much weight we’ve gained in 20 years. We both agreed then and there to greet each other with the following- “Oh my gosh you look great, have you GAINED weight? You look fabulous!” We stuck to it and used it on others as well.
Whimspiration says:
It is such a relief to know that I am not the freak I thought I was with the being a catty, judgmental bitch, despite all my attempts at the contrary.
On the other hand, if we meet at BlogHer08, you’ll know me instantly. I’ll be the overweight, hairy, dreadlocked chick in tennies and comfy clothes, swaggering around with a drink in one hand and a huge grin plastered on her face. *grin*
Comfy, grin, drink, it’s what I always wear to conventions. I guess I “own” my natural appearance. On the other hand, I owe some of my comfort in how I look to the fact that I was born with perfect eyebrows, and I’m not yet old or hormonally challenged enough to have the beard and mustache my mother shaves off daily. *laugh*
Kimberly C says:
Why do we do this? Why can’t women stick together?
I am so guilty of both sides of this- the whole ha she got so big, and wondering if people notice that I have 13 year old skin still at 25. Zits still make me nervous, and it is always about other women.
gina says:
This is so true. Every word that’s here: so true.
Casey says:
Love your blog-
I have realized this for eons, women dress for women. Its hard to swallow and admit that yes, we are a catty bunch. Judgemental, gossipy, the works. But hey! At least we have reason to try and look good, even if its just to ’save face’ in front of other women. I think it would be horrible if we all just didn’t care about our appearance. It is important to self-esteem and self-confidence, even if we hate to admit it.
So, even though I know my husband won’t even notice that I have taken time to curl my eyelashes and that I am wearing the cutest YSL shirt that I saved and saved for, the approving glances I see from behind my Gucci shades (used just for this reason) are affirmation that I look damned good. Makes me feel better.
And yes, I judge. I admit it. But I find that my judgement of others always has a positive tweak, for example, I might say: “She has such an amazing figure, why did she decide to grocery shop in sweats made for someone twice her size”?