Hypomania
January 4, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum, Straight Jacket
“The mind is the most capricious of insects - flitting, fluttering.” ~Virginia Woolf
Euphoria frightens me. As do moments of high productivity. But who doesn’t enjoy gleaming hardwood floors at midnight? I swear you could lick my bedroom floor right now. Who doesn’t like a continuous flow of ideas and words that seem to exude with sudden aplomb? Why, it’s a lovely change from my normally fainéant behavior, isn’t it? I get things done while checking things off my list and being disgustingly jolly. All the while it’s as if everything inside of me is hyper extended. It isn’t limited to my mood; everything races and continues joyously to an abrupt stop of depression. It’s not a slow abatement but imagine driving down a freeway listening to The Steve Miller Band; happy as can be and humming along, feeling completely exhilarated and then hitting the back of a Mack truck.
The episodes of hypomania are so few and far between that I notice them more once they occur. I fear discussing it partly because I still find it baffling and also because – and forgive me for being a cliché – having a bipolar disorder doesn’t exactly define me. Which is something I realized when I attempted to write about it on a regular basis. It’s just one of those annoying things that I rarely think about because I try not to let it become a big deal. I take great joy in telling Doctors and Nurses what medications I’m on and having them look at me as if I will fling myself across an exam room to rip their head off while cackling during a fit of mania. It isn’t that extreme but these ebbs and flows - however slight - are still felt and noticed, sometimes more often than not. It’s manageable. I’m lucky and so very fortunate. This entire ‘thing’ makes me feel empathetic yet helpless towards those who are not.
Alicia says:
Oh wow. You too? I started my blog in order to be able to write about my life with bipolar disorder only to find that I am reluctant to talk about it even there. I work in health care and I find that my peers, surprisingly, are the least forgiving company to keep if they find out your secret. Well, unless you are all sweetness and light while going through the highs and lows which sometimes I am not. Actually, I can be a snappish little bitch. If only people could leave you alone when you politely ask them to, you know?
I know hypomania too well and I wish it motivated me to get things done. I am more the irritated hypomanic who gets road rage, gets snippy when too many friends talk at me at once and taps her foot incessantly in class. Truly, I am a treat to be around in that state. Thank God for good meds.
Heather B. says:
I didn’t start my blog in order to write about the bipolar disorder. The bipolar disorder just ‘happened’ while everything else was going on. It’s helped me immensely because then I knew what was going on and I felt better knowing things. On the other hand Dude, I have a fucking mental disorder and…wow…that’s mind blowing. It changes things while at the same time making things better. I’m far happier now and I have a better understanding of myself now that I know. Overall things are good.
slynnro says:
I think it’s pretty awesome that you are willing to discuss this here. I think so many people assume that people with any form of bipolar disorder are running around in a manic state all of the time because most people don’t understand it at all. It’s great that you, who are a productive and normal human being, will say I deal with this and it doesn’t control my life.
Dagny says:
Alicia, my mother worked in the health care industry before she retired. I like to think that she would have been forgiving because we like to think that we “understand” mental health issues as my mother’s older sister is a paranoid schizophrenic. And it has only been in recent years that I have felt OK in explaining to friends what is going on with my aunt. Sometimes her diagnosis is bipolar. And I’ve met the extreme in those with bipolar. I know in both cases with proper medication, you would never be able to tell the difference between those suffering from these mental diseases and everyone who does not.
Angella says:
Thanks for sharing this, Heather. You are a strong, strong woman.
Diane Mandy says:
My youngest sister also has Bipolar Disorder. I think it is such a misunderstood thing. I appreciate your willingness to write about your experiences because it helps me understand what she might be going through a little bit better.
Alicia says:
@Heather: I wanted to write something for people who felt like they were the only ones out there. I was pretty depressed for a while but now that I am doing a lot better than I was a few years ago, I am not sure that it would help a whole lot. Still cathartic for me though. I’m glad that you are doing well.
@Dagny: Oh yeah, there are definitely very understanding people. But I am surprised by the callous comments that my co-workers make about patients: “Oh, how can you trust ANYTHING ___ says? She’s OCD.” or “___ is fucking crazy. She’s bipolar. Of course she is drug-seeking.” It’s almost like their experience causes them to stigmatize these patients more than the general public. I’ll speak up once in a while but sometimes I get ignorant comments too. Obviously, I’ve chosen to keep my illness a secret.
I agree with Diane Mindy; it is just very misunderstood.
K. says:
I am delighted by your blog - especially the use of quotes at the beginning of each entry. This particular entry peaked my interest mainly because my mother suffered from bipolar disorder. I say suffered because she was not a functional bipolar. I agree with Alicia that it is very cathartic to write about it - when I was younger, my mother told me never to talk about such things with other people. Given the very horrible reactions she got from the medical community in our small Southern town, I understood her apprehension and kept my mouth shut. I am glad that we now have the anonymity of the internet to connect and share such stories.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble. Just wanted to say thank you for being brave and sharing that part of your life.