Stream of consciousness
January 2, 2008 | Filed under: Humdrum
“No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.” ~Terry Josephson
I’m having difficulty answering questions. Not just the run of the mill stupid ones like when I say; “I’m tired” and the response seems to be “Are you pregnant?” It’s like I’ve gotten to this age where people have deemed it appropriate to ask me about reproduction. It’s the difficult questions that make me feel like I have something to prove. There is no wrong or right answer because it’s about my life. How I feel. Whether or not there is any truth to other’s perceptions. It doesn’t make me want to open up but instead leaves me baffled and wanting to shut down. I fear being completely honest because rarely does my defensiveness lead to productive conversation or lucid thoughts. It instead leads to annoyance and aggravation. I want to be short and be childish. I want to say; “It’s none of your fucking business” then walk away.
Loralee says:
Then say it.
After my son died I got asked this question again, and again and AGAIN.
Finally? I literally said “It’s is none of your damn business” to the unfortunate woman that got to ask that question that pushed me past the polite point.
While I don’t swear in my response anymore, I have no problem drawing that line in the sand now.
Dagny says:
To expand upon Loralee’s response, it’s all about establishing boundaries. (Yes, I have spent way too much time in therapy in the past.) People will not know what your boundaries are unless you clearly communicate them. And for some, this means saying, “None of your damn business.” You may feel a little bad at first but when you realize how much it protects you, you will quickly change your tune.
I also recognize your reluctance. I was the same way in my 20s. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I truly learned to stand up for myself. So hopefully you can do the whole thing sooner.
Angella says:
Sigh.
I have no insight…I wish I did.
Can I just say that I love you, and leave it at that?
hello insomnia says:
Amen.
nopasanada says:
You all are so awesome. I wrote this last night while trying to answer different questions (easy questions but writing the answers is hard) then started thinking about the questions I’ve been asked lately which led me to thinking about questions I’ve been asked recently, which have all been rather rude to say the least. I had been discussing this whole thing with Schnozz the other day. I don’t want to come off as a bitch to someone that I’ve only just met but people will ask the craziest shit because they feel they have this right to know. Needless to say it’s driving me insane.
Anyway thank you. Seriously.
slynnro says:
May I say that response is not childhish? I am a newlywed with a professed stance of not wanting any damn kids. Imagine the reproductive questions/harassment I face. It is truly unbelievable the things people seem to think are okay to say regarding this subject matter.
Amy says:
Maybe you should just have fun with it at the next person’s expense. Say something like, “Well, I have been gaining weight lately and feel sick…” and see what happens.
People are rude. They just are.
Joe Crawford says:
Dagny nails it. It’s about boundaries. Very tricky subject. Though there is a good book on the subject — aptly titled ‘Boundaries.’
Be well.
AppleTree says:
Hey there. I’ve been reading you for a few weeks now and this post got to me.
I got married about six weeks ago.
In secret.
Then we told people.
I was asked repeatedly if I was pregnant, because not wanting to have a giant, expensive, public wedding must mean I was knocked up and shamed.
I simply quit answering the question because, really, it sullied the beautiful and perfect wedding we had, and I wasn’t going to let anyone bastardize that.
So, thank you.
Angela says:
I just don’t understand why people think it’s okay to ask those kinds of questions. I was sick for a couple of days a few weeks after the wedding, and when I called in on the second morning my boss laughed and said, “Well, you’re not pregnant, are you?”
*Stunned silence*
I mean, granted, it’s possible, but even if I were, maybe I don’t want to tell you yet, boss of just over 3 months!
Ugh. People.
elise says:
Yep. Yes. I concur, agree, identify, COMPLETELY.
I have a really hard time standing up for myself and how I feel. I am always too worried about offending or hurting the feelings of the other person. However - all that has netted me is a lot of annoyance and built up, residual bitterness towards these people, the ones who NEVER seem to consider how I might feel.
So I guess standing up for yourself really has to happen. Please keep us posted on how it’s going for you, and on what phrases seem to work best!
LisaBinDaCity says:
Happy New Year, Heather
gorillabuns says:
i’d say “it’s none of your fucking business!” even if it was in answering me:)
Penny says:
A while back when I was getting a divorce so many people said to me, “It’s nobody’s fault. It’s OK.” But it was someone’s fault - mine actually - and I knew it. Aside from that I wanted everyone to know that divorce is not “OK”, it totally sucks! I always thought, “No wonder there are so many divorces. People act like it’s similar to getting a parking ticket or accidentally locking your keys in your car!”
Wow, you hit a nerve with me on that one! (:
Jada says:
Everytime I go to visit my husband’s family, I get HARASSED by various relatives about why I’m not pregnant yet. I mean, we’ve been married TWO WHOLE YEARS! It is beyond irritating. People need to get a clue and mind their own fucking business.
nopasanada says:
The “Are you pregnant?” question seems to be a popular one and it isn’t even the one that bothers me the most. Point is that people feel that EVERYTHING is their business which gives them the right to ask about anything from reproduction plans to sexual orientation. Either way I still have no idea how to approach the blatant rudeness except with a quick flick of the wrist to get those last drops of wine out of the glass.
Now that I’m drinking again I feel a little bit better about mentioning wine. Thank God.
Maya says:
Seven and a half years into being married (at the advanced age of 28, haha), I am still being ruthlessly harassed by any/everyone I talk to for more than five or ten minutes. I’ve tried being funny, sarcastic, nice, serious, oblique…everything.. and just saying “No”. So far, no go. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I really don’t, just know that you are far from the only one going through this crap.
Jackie says:
I find a nice ‘fuck you’ works for me. And I’ve been married for 8 years w/ no interest in procreating.
Mrs.Strizzay says:
Maybe you should say “MAYBE!, but I can’t figure out who the Dad is” (As a joke. You know)
Sarcomical says:
try being married almost 10 years at 31 years old. surprisingly, after around year 8 people seemed to finally Let It Go.
i’m sure they all have their own opinions about why we don’t have kids yet, but they keep it to themselves at this point.
i feel for you. people can be such social idiots sometimes. i mean, wow.
Manda says:
Sometimes, “It’s none of your fucking business” really is the most efficient answer.
Momo Fali says:
I got real defensive when someone asked me if I was pregnant…when I had delivered my son just a few weeks prior. At least you don’t LOOK pregnant when you aren’t.
I had complete stranger, AT THE MALL, ask me if she could hold my baby. I had no problem being rude and telling her absolutely not. After all, she was rude first!
She Likes Purple says:
You can say it’s none of their business, and I’ll kick them in their shins. Hugs and such being sent your way. Fine, you’re right, screw hugs, I send you virtual wine.