Sporadic verbosity
December 17, 2007 | Filed under: "Oh night divine", Great moments in narcissism, Planes trains and automobiles
“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~Albert Schweitzer
I hate to be a downer but every time someone asks me how I am or how things are going I shrug my shoulders, sigh heavily, and say “It’s OK”. I sound like Eeyore and anyone who crosses my path half expects my tail to fall off or for me to keel over due to an extreme bout of ennui. I can’t even get into the spirit of the season without it all feeling extremely forced and obvious. I’ve baked cookies while listening to Ella Fitzgerald with a fire crackling in the background and yet I would look outside at the snow, the thing that signifies the loveliness that should come this time of year, and the only thing I wanted to do was beat myself in the head with a crowbar. Nothing says “Joy” like blunt force trauma.
I’ve actually kept most everything to myself – especially as of late - because I don’t want to be a bother and I’m boring and most people find whining to be abhorrent. So I stay silent. In general though I tend to be shy and quiet. Some call it aloof but I like to refer to it as observing my surroundings intently so that later I can write about all the drunk dumbshits within five miles. So my rather subdued behavior ends up being advantageous.What really ends up happening is that I keep it all inside, bottled up and under pressure. And much like a bottle of Brut, once the cork is popped, everything comes pouring out. Sometimes it’s messy and I end up with verbal diarrhea and tell my life story to some unsuspecting friend and other times I try to let a little out at a time so as not to frighten everyone away. And if you were wondering, several glasses of wine might cause things to spill out as well and suddenly I’m telling people about shit that happened in 1995 and apparently I am not over an incident involving my brother, a bike and a pool cue.
God willing, barring any ill winter and something I’ve been trying to keep from discussing due to jinxing it all but I just cannot hold it inside: I will be going to Oklahoma City for a brief vacation. Susan thinks that it is just to drink wine and bask in her presence when in reality so that I can unload all of the shit that has been plaguing me for months and months and months. Thankfully I’m being quite nice to her and writing everything out in list form; that way I know what I want to say and it will keep my thoughts in place. It will be a lovely way to spend the pre-Holiday: Me talking endlessly about myself, because I don’t get to do enough of that already and Susan sitting there possibly bored to death but oh so very happy that someone came to visit her in one of the reddest states in the country. For nothing says “Merry Christmas” like slowly killing the ones you love with loquaciousness.
Diane Mandy says:
I also have the tendency to keep things bottled up inside. You realize, of course, this is not a good thing. I’m glad youhave friends to open up to when you need to talk. That’s what they are there for, after all. I think Christmas tends to be a tough time for lots of people. We are bombarded with images of what ad execs and Hollywood think this time of year is suppose to be like, but for so many of us it’s not. In fact, we’re usually dealig with more stress than any time of the year.
Nic says:
First, you need a cupcake and some wine. They help. Always.
Second, cut yourself some slack. Everyone goes through it, everyone gets their moment to whine. It’s okay to be like eeyore if you need to. The important part is that you understand that you won’t always feel like eeyore and things will get better, because that’s just what things do.
slynnro says:
“Some call it aloof but I like to refer to it as observing my surroundings intently so that later I can write about all the drunk dumbshits within five miles. So my rather subdued behavior ends up being advantageous.”
This is my strategy as well. You are clearly brilliant.
Angella says:
You are welcome to come to Canada any time and vent. There are about fifty wineries within a twenty minute drive from my house
xoxoxo
Dagny says:
But isn’t that what friends are for? To listen when you’re ready to loosen up the cork?
I learned this the hard way after walking around for years of keeping things bottled up. I was surprised by the folks who said to me, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I just didn’t want to be a burden.
Now I’ve learned to whom it is OK to occasionally blow off steam. I like to call these folks my best friends.
Marie D. says:
See, this is why I don’t like Christmas: everybody expects you to be joyful and happy. And around this time of the year, with the cold, the darkness, too much work and not enough sleeping hours, I am everything but happy and joyful. And I am a bad actress.
gorillabuns says:
you can vomit on me anytime:)
CGHill says:
This is the perfect week to be here, if you don’t mind looking at the remains of trees. (Highs in the 50s, lows around 30, fair amount of sun.)
Susan says:
I’m ready. I have wine and cupcakes and a comfy sofa and a willing ear.
And possibly a list of my own to share.
Jay says:
Don’t feel bad about unbottling. Sometimes it just needs to be done. Count yourself lucky that you have a willing friend.
Angela says:
Well, for what it’s worth, I’ve had a hard time feeling all Holly Jolly Christmassy this year too. Someone made an excellent point that Christmas is a lot more fun when other people are making it fun and you’re not in charge of doing everything! Oh, to be five again. (Except minus the bike and pool cue–yikes!)
Oh, The Joys says:
Tis the season for the melancholy, no?
metalia says:
Aw, hon. Hope you work through this all soon. You know you can always come to NYC to vent to me, right?
Christina says:
Much love!
Loralee says:
Um.
You used ‘Ennui’,'Loquaciousness’, AND ‘Eeyore’ in a blog post.
Will you marry me?
laurie says:
Friends with willing ears are worth venturing into the red states for, for sure. My best friend lives in Virginia and it’s a struggle sometimes but it’s worth it.
LVGurl says:
The Eeyore imagery was perfect. I know how a better sense of how you feel.
Enjoy OKC.
LVGurl says:
Wow, it would be nice if I could spell.
Abi Jones says:
Well, now I remember why I live in California: no ice.
I hear you on the weight thing. When I went in for my pap smear last year the nurse weighed me, looked at me, weighed me again and said ‘Hmmmm.’ And I responded ‘Yes, I weigh that much. I have muscles.’
Sigh.
Lara says:
Oh, honey. I hope your vent session did you some good! Big hugs from Philly.