“If in the last few years you haven’t discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.” ~Gelett Burgess
In the interest of full disclosure I tend to fall on the anal retentive, must think about every bit of minutia, side of things. Every hand gesture or unreturned call or email or message left unanswered leaves me feeling uneasy inside. It makes then sit down and contemplate I could have done wrong and I fret and lie awake going over previous events on a continuous loop, trying to think of ways to make ‘it’ better even though I don’t know what ‘it’ is.
I’m a few days shy of 24 and I have been continuously surprised that as people age their behavior doesn’t necessarily change for the better. Instead of being 15-year old brats they turn into 32 year old brats. Upon first realizing that people over the age of 30 could be just as cruel and nasty as the common eighth grader, my chest did that all too familiar tightening and I got a lump in my throat, because I could never really escape that middle school frame of mind. No matter the age, there are always going to be mean and heartless people who are unable to effectively convey what they want and need or what troubles them. So instead they revert to a more childish state and pulling the silent treatment, which, I will say, I have no problem with, because the fewer people that feel the need to speak to me and relay nothing but negativity, the better.
One might think that I’m angry right now. I’m not angry just frustrated by people and their behavior. My only recourse though is to say that’s on them. It’s not my problem and I can’t make it my problem. I can only work on my behavior and my ability to tell people in a more polite manner than calling them…I don’t know…racist cunts (not that that’s occurred recently. Maybe.) but instead to just relax and say fuck it. I can’t be in charge of everyone else’s behavior. More importantly, I cannot succumb to the feelings and misgivings of everyone I encounter because it generally just comes back to bite me in the ass.
My resolution for myself for the upcoming year is to worry less about the behavior of others and to not look into every little thing like my life will hang precariously by a sliver of a thread until I know why exactly someone didn’t write me back or call back or even held a door open for me. I would like to just take things for what they are, call them like I see them. Some people are cowardly bitches who hate confrontation some people are just nice and polite and their mothers taught them to hold their hands out for a lady exiting a cab.
And that is that.
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For the past two weeks, I’ve been fretting about an unreturned email. FROM SOMEONE I DON’T EVEN KNOW. It was a conversation through the blog that just dropped off and why does it worry me? Did I say the wrong thing? Did my last email reveal me for the [insert your own descriptor here] that I am?
My advice for both of us: It’s not worth the time. We have writing to do and alcohol to drink.
Now I’m going to go return all the email that’s been sitting in my own inbox. (For, um, weeks. Karmic cycle, anyone?)
“Everyone teaches, and teaches all the time.” (A Course in Miracles).
We are always teaching the world around us who we are. When I hold the door or help someone with a stroller, I am doing it because I want the world to be a little kinder place. That’s who I have decided who I really am – a person who wants this to be a kind world.
I really just want to be a nicer person and me stressing out about others shortcomings and behavior makes me a not so nice person. So really, I resolve to be nicer for the next year.
It’d be nice if every immature ass grew up eventually and behaved like a decent person. But I know what you mean, exactly. Some people will suck forever. And, you’re right, that’s ALL them.
This was a great post! You are wise beyond your years. Because it took me until 30 to realize these things.
I always tried to reason with people and wonder why they were the way they were and I took everything so personal. It’s amazing when you stop doing that and how much happier and comfortable you’ll be in life.
Yep. That really is that. Unfortunately.
It’s unfortunate that there are jerks in every age range. Luckily, I feel like as I have gotten older, I have been able to better recognize the jerks and minimize their effects on me. In the philosophical words of Miss Tyra Banks, “Don’t let other’s ugliness steal your sparkle.” (I may be paraphrasing, but close enough.)
People don’t change, especially when they’re jerks.
When I was in high school I was litterally bullied by 2 girls who were one year older. I have no idea why, I didn’t even know them, I was just a quiet shy girl.
Well, they became teachers (I’d be sick to know my kids had such jerks as teachers) and one of them, the meanest one, married the other one’s brother. (I know because her mother goes to my hairdresser’s).
Well you know what, I once met that girl and her husband in the street, I was 23 or 24 at that time, and they both started shouting silly things at me and laughing at me. Can you believe that??
Sometime in my late 20s, I realized I had a huge circle of friends, each of whom offered a different level of friendship. I decided it was time to look at those friendships more closely. I realized many of the relationships were one sided (I took initiative, they were great friends; I held back, they disappeared). Like you, I decided, I can’t control them or get mad at them or have any expectations at all. What I can do is take that energy I spent on them and refocus it on the people who gave back. Now, I’m happy to say, I have a much smaller group of friends, but they are most certainly the real deal. Sounds like you are wise beyond your years.
Happy birthday!
I was just saying that I need to be nicer. I’m sad that people don’t always change for the better and become nicer when they get older. I’m struggling with this right now. I hated junior high for a reason.
Moose- I am involved in a similar thing today. I feel your pain.
And I feel your pain, Heather, about this whole thing. My ability to be hurt in the same ways I was as a child, and as an adoloscent, at 27 still amazes me. As a chronic overanalyzer myself, I endure these feelings more than others. I hate to think of myself as hypersensitive, because in so many ways I’m not, but deep down some part of me will always be a 15 year girl who didn’t get invited to a party.
Of course it’s annoying but it’s not going away, so I guess the feat is for us to learn to deal with them , because if you expect them to change, you might be waiting quite a while.
That’s a cool birthday wish for yourself… but it ain’t gonna be easy to keep it.
ugh. that got me right in the gut. the negative passive aggressive energy is thick and lingers in the air. imagine what it could do if the crap was beaten out of it and it saw the light.
Worrying about things over which you have no control will just make you bitter and sad and might just give you some health problems to boot. Whenever I am in doubt, I just think of my uncle. Because he is the healthiest, most centered person I know probably because he never let’s all the BS in life get to him. Every year I try a little bit harder to be more like him. Best of luck to you!
I just read this blog entry along with the one about the encounter with your future husband in the bar. It seems incredible that analysing the minutae can give such pleasure in one instance, and such pain and worry in another. It seems to me that the skills you have as an observer and analyser make you such a sharp writer, because you think about everything. Why would you want to change that?
you are a wise one.
love you,
Isabel
By the way, do you plan a trip to SF again anytime soon?
amen and hallelujah and jesus h christ.
Come visit me in Detroit; I love your writings.