Flaws
October 3, 2007 | Filed under: Blogology, Great moments in narcissism, Listy, Socially Awkward Barbie™
“Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.” ~Goethe
Today is The Great Mofo Delurk. I like the word Mofo though I use it so rarely because I’m much more fond of the more formal ‘Motherfucker’. As such, I am presenting you with a few of my pretty bad but not as bad as my propensity to drink two bottles of wine just because it’s in my line of sight, flaws. Feel free to delurk and divulge your flaws or just delurk and tell me how drop dead gorgeous I am or delurk and ask me a question like how I’ve managed to get through almost 24 years of life without spontaneously combusting from my overwhelming social awkwardness.
1) There are days that I feel like my only contribution to society will be rampant socially awkward behavior that will make others feel much better about their ability to communicate with other human beings. Whereas I kind of just stand there looking like I’m in severe pain, other people are able to, you know, open their mouths while making semi-coherent sounds. Though I was recently told, during a dinner, that one could sense that I’m a ‘writer’ (the noise you just heard was the sound of my eyes rolling). I choked on my fourth glass of cheap merlot and asked how and the woman seated next to me said that she could tell by the way I chose and used words very carefully. I laughed and patted myself on the back for being able to carry on a conversation for twenty minutes without sounding like I may have been dropped on my head and landed right on my soft spot as a baby.
2) I think that the telephone is the invention of Stalin and the Devil. Therefore using the phone requires deep cleansing breaths, acupuncture and a little hypnosis so that I can actually pick up the receiver. Prior to most any phone call, I write down notes on a 3×5 index card to lessen the chance of an untimely heart attack due to being unprepared for a difficult question. The ones that usually catch me off guard are the toughies, like “Is this Heather?” or “How are you?” I figure that with it being 2007 and all and with the wifi and the ability to listen to music on your telephone while wikipedia-ing ‘Squeaky Fromme’ means that one should be able to simply email a question. The phone doesn’t need to be used in every situation, in fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s use can be limited to dialing 911, ordering Chinese food, and possibly can be fashioned into some sort of weapon.
3) I received an email yesterday afternoon asking if when I said ‘Versailles’ I meant VERSAILLES. Is there another Versailles that I am not aware of? The Versailles I plan to visit next month has a Hall of Mirrors and Orange trees and Louis XIV once lived there and it’s located in a little place called France. The thing about my upcoming visit to France is that I am a notoriously awful planner. I say I’m going somewhere and then everything fizzles and my enthusiasm shrinks like a raisin in the sun, for prior to any trip there is thing called work which pretty much trumps everything at time, including eating and breathing and my ability to pee without bringing my crackberry into the stall with me. Because of this, I have two trips coming up that I have approximately zero plans for because when the enthusiasm doesn’t wane for me wanting a vacation but it wanes for deciding exactly what I want to do and see. Thus, my having to enlist Abigail to make up an itinerary for my upcoming trip to LA and the help I need right now from people that have actually been to France to tell me what I should see. I know the Louvre and Versailles and that big pointy phallus looking thing called the Eiffel Tower. Other than that I’m at a loss and the person going with me only wants to buy a bracelet at Cartier. So! Suggestions would be appreciated. For example, where can I go to get a croissant full of butter that won’t go straight to my ass?
Megan says:
I haven’t been to France in 15 years…but the Champs Elysees is really pretty at night. Be careful crossing the 4 lanes of traffic near the Arc de Triumph, drivers don’t stop. Oh, and please come back w/ a picture of you “holding” the Eiffel Tower. I think there’s lots of wine in France too. Yay.
Laurenne says:
My flaws:
1) Lurking in blogs rather than commenting/interacting in them.
2) Not posting enough in my own blog because I don’t believe my posts will ever be as eloquent as those I read.
3) Rereading my posts so many times before publishing that I just end up deleting them.
Dagny T. says:
Delurking because, before I read this, I posted about my last trip to Paris with my sister, 3 years ago.
Berthillon ice cream shop is, well, amazing. There’s a great Picasso museum - le musee nationale de Picasso, and the Musee d’Orsay is great if you like impressionist/post-impressionist art - much more manageable than the Louvre.
I also kind of think le Sacre Coeur is prettier than Notre Dame, and le Saint-Chappelle has absurdly beautiful stained glass.
Feel free to email me if you’d like more - otherwise, have a great time!
kaleigh says:
Only two flaws? When I have so many more? I wouldn’t know where to start. But am delurking nonetheless.
Anna says:
I am de-lurking - just recently found your blog.
I am the same way about phone calls - I am fine with calls to people I know, but with any other call I also write things down before I phone anyone.
Bethiclaus says:
I, too, have phone phobia. Although for some reason, mine gets worse when calling to place a takeout order. To the point where I might prefer to go wait at the restaurant rather than trying to make myself understood on the phone. I worked as a hotel operator while I was in undergrad and that was the beginning of the end of my friendly relationship with the telephone.
Carrisa says:
De-lurking here to say that I also hate talking on the phone. Isn’t that why God created text messaging?
Cindy says:
I hate phones, too… I cringe after leaving messages because I know I sound like a bumbling idiot. Yet I still haven’t learned how to just say Hi, Call me back.
Perhaps my idiocy is also why I don’t comment often…
whoorl says:
You? Flaws? Nahhhhhh.
I guess I’m not officially a lurker, but HEY! See you in 4 days.
Keri says:
I’m a klutz - I trip over my own feet.
Missy says:
Consider me delurked.
I have gotten much better at calling people but I still practice what I’m going to say before I call. They never stick to the script though!
I did Paris in a day. We were there two nights and that whole day we walked and walked and took a bajillion pictures. We saw everything we wanted to see but I would recommend more time in cafes with croissants.
LisaB says:
I’m right there with you on the phone. It’s also good for dropping on your foot when you don’t feel like going to the gym
Anna says:
Talking on the phone is not an issue for me, but leaving messages for some reason proves to be very difficult.
“Um, hi? This is um, me? I was calling about the stuff with the thing and the other stuff?”
Right. Very professional.
Plattie says:
Delurking to say I am with you on the phone hatred. I am so much more articulate in writing! WHY can’t I just email everyone? I’m so bad that I only ever order pizza for takeout now because the pizza place has an on-line order system, and the Chinese place doesn’t, so that’s it, no more Chinese food for me. Man, I need therapy.
Jen says:
De-lurking to say hello from Seattle. I read you through a feed, so I rarely comment, but I feel like I know your comings and goings through Twitter more than anything else. That seems sort of stalkerish, now that I think of it, but you update there more than anyone else I follow!
Anyway, I enjoy your wit. You’d be someone I’d love to meet for reals someday.:)
Erika says:
You are fucking gorgeous. Motherfucking dropdead gorgeous.
(How the hell are you, by the way?!)
One Smart Cookie says:
Since when is drinking wine a flaw?
Virginia Gal says:
I have an issue myself with leaving phone messages. Get me a real person and I have no trouble spitting out my questions in a concise, logical, adult way, but an answering machine or voice mail? I’ve had them cut off halfway through my message, before I’ve even gotten to the point or to leaving my number and name, because I MUST include every variable and detail pertinent to the matter.
And if anything is worse than leaving one long and drawn out rambling message, it’s having to leave TWO!
Best yet, when the person for whom I’ve left a message returns my call, they usually have to remind me why I called in the first place.
Jen Gomes says:
I am relieved to know I am not the only person out there who avoids using the telephone like the plague! E-mailing & text messaging make it so much easier to bypass the good old fashioned phone call altogether these days… I remember the days when there was no such escape and picking up the phone was the only option - one of my biggest issues is getting stuck on the line with someone who doesn’t want to stop talking, and trying to find a tactful way to break off the conversation…
Erika says:
I have many flaws but the one that comes to mind is laughing or crying when I am nervous. Neither is appropriate at work most times. Love your blog!
AlieMalie says:
delurking.
have an awesome time in Paris. : )
Nette says:
Delurking…
I can’t help you with France, but you should definitely put Johnny’s on your to-do list for Los Angeles. On the corner of Adams and Crenshaw. Best pastrami EVAH.
http://losangeles.metromix.com/restaurants/hot_dogs/johnnys-pastrami-on-adams-west-adams/100888/content
Unless by LA you meant Louisiana…
TJ says:
Hallo, I found you through amalah, about 800 years ago, and even though you don’t know me, er, at all, I have had to reference you on occasion, as I am unable to answer the “So, how did you end up babysitting that kid?” question without saying “Ok, so there was this crazy pregnant lady in a park…”
rosalicious says:
From one major wino to another…happy delurking! I think you are the only blog I have honest-to-god truly delurked on this morning. Sad, as I read your blog often!
I know you travel often so if you ever need drinking recommendations/partners-in-crime etc in Denver…
Oh, right. Flaws. I am a really crappy morning person!
~ rosie
ie says:
Hi there. Happy Mofo!
I have too many flaws to list here (hehe) but I will tell you I would rather send an email or get voice mail (I rock on the voice mail) rather than talk to a live person! EEEK.
So my question for you is: I sent you an email a couple of weeks ago and didn’t get a reply? (It was a nice one, not all ranty/ravy). Do you reply to your emails?
Have a great day!
Stephanie says:
I feel the exact same way about the phone. I prefer email and texting, where I can carefully think out my words. Or even gchat, where at least I can think about what I typed before I hit enter. On the phone, I just completely stumble all over my words.
I like to think we’ve evolved past the telephone age.
Dagny says:
So many folks with phone issues. I’m starting to think that it’s more of quirk to not have phone issues. And my lack of fear? Probably because my mother made me act as her personal assistant for so many years.
Ratshag says:
Hey there Ms. Nada.
Yup, you’s drop dead gorgeous, hun. I’s been dropped dead a bunch in me various travels, so I be an expert on these things. But you didn’t really need me ta tell ya that, now did you?
–Rat the unlurking mofo
lindsayc says:
delurking to say I love your writing and I’d let you babysit my two boys anytime!
Jennie says:
Hi!
I grind my teeth while sleeping. This is a huge flaw. Ask my dentist. Or my husband. Or that random guy I sleep with sometimes.
KIDDING!
(My dentist doesn’t know.)
Kimblahg says:
I live in Missouri and there is a Versailles in the Ozark Area pronounced by all as “Ver sales”.
Delurking to say divulge a flaw. If I see someone I know in a situation where I wasn’t prepared (like the grocery store), I immediately turn and walk away hoping they don’t see me.
takin chances says:
Oh, Heather! First of all, you are beautiful and I heart your blog.
Secondly, I just went to Paris this May and I loved it and loved it and loved it some more. I actually have an itinerary and it’s posted in my blog throughout June if you are just sincerely bored and want to check it out.
But the butter won’t go to your ass because you will walk so freaking much that you might actually lose wait in the City of Lights. I did!
Moose says:
Chief among my many and varied flaws is my ability to spin my head like a poltergeist when angry. Also my willingness to cry in public. (Or, more accurately, my inability to STOP crying in public.)
I think the phone should be outlawed myself. Just looking at my cell gives me hives.
Have fun in France!
Leah says:
Hello, I love you, let me jump in your game.
Jhianna says:
I’m right there with you with the rampant socially awkward behavior. And the phone - oh, that’s a torture device. I’m envious about France.
Delurking for Great MoFo Delurk day.
kat says:
Hi, delurking. I love your blog, and I live in Albany, too - I feel your pain whenever you talk about winter.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:
Present.
Isabel says:
Eat anything and everything made with chocolate, flour,water and sugar. And then just remember that you are walking so much that you won’t gain a pound.
Lena says:
I’m here. Where’s the wine?
SP says:
“Where can I go to get a croissant full of butter that won’t go straight to my ass?”
De-lurking to say you’re hilarious. My flaws include biting my fingernails in public and judging people who have wrinkled clothes.
nopasanada says:
I think I might love all of you. My flaws also include and inability to accept and appreciate kind words about me. I’m over here blushing and saying “No, No I’m not any of the good things that people are saying.” But seriously, don’t be surprised if I meet you and promptly request to have your babies just because y’all are so damn nice.
Angella says:
A partial lurker, only because I HAVE NO FREE TIME.
And? You are HOT! Wish I had been your roomie
Mrs. Flinger says:
You already know I love and adore your site. But! I admit, the whole “social awkwardness” is especially appealing to a chick who falls on her ass in every situation. I’m the queen of social awkwardness. :: cough :: crickets :: ahem ::
Muwha
SAJ says:
I have Paris tips!!!! Here’s one nobody will know about and will knock your socks off. Well, maybe you don’t wear socks because you are stylish but whatever. It’s this little underground jazz club that looks like a restaurant but you go downstairs to what seems like a claustrophobic basement and it is amazing. Like better than Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face. Here’s my post on it with movies! I’ll tell you more than you probably want to know this weekend.
Mandee says:
(delurking) I’m a terrible, terrible procrastinator. And a rambler. Which is why I lurk. So, I’ll shut up now.
velocibadgergirl says:
Happy delurking day!
elise says:
How about delurking just to say hi? And although I didn’t email you about “when you said said ‘Versailles’ did you mean VERSAILLES?” but I would have. Because that was my thought exactly when I read it. I mean, holy crap. If I were going to freaking France anytime soon, I would probably be talking about it. Well, on second thought, I probably wouldn’t. But I would be THINKING about it, mind you. Probably!
Love your blog. Have fun in gay Paris
gorillabuns says:
one of my many flaws? i drink too much!
you? are simply wonderful!
LVGurl says:
I’m too critical. I annoy myself. And I like steak more than should be legal.
And Miss Heather B? I am amazed at how you seem to be everywhere at once. Impressive!
Whimspiration says:
Delurking. Read you regularly through BlogHer. Love ya bunches. Thanks for being here. Right now my biggest flaw is not making enough time to comment on the blogs I read. Been seriously slacking for a while now.
april says:
delurking to share a flaw:
I want to blog. But for some reason I just sort of can’t.
Suebob says:
Oh, I thought you were talking about the town in Illinois. You know, Ver-sayles.
lemonade says:
just de lurking to say hi!!
Jenifer says:
My contribution will be a website about my ramblings on life and how certain things scare the shit out of me. Fun for EVERYONE!
Enjoy your trip and take me with you, a complete internet stranger who posts stalks you
Erin says:
I forgot to delurk yesterday, so I’m making up for it today. And my flaws…too many to mention, but I interrupt a lot. It is because of my family - we all do it, but it took an outsider (my husband) to point it out to us. I’m sure we can be annoying to talk to en masse!
Kristabella says:
I’m a day late. And only a semi-lurker. Because I’m socially awkward and commenting awkward.
I loathe the phone. The person who invented text messages? If I had millions of dollars, I would give it all to you.
Oh, and drinking two bottles of wine? NOT a flaw. Not at all.
AUA says:
I think I failed to delurk in time.
BOSSY says:
Bossy hates the telephone too. Hates. She is using the word ‘hate’ here. About. The telephone. (She also kind of fears it.)
Maria says:
I HATE the telephone. My first job out of college included being responsible for the company’s telephone system and this is the result.
whitney says:
delurking like a mofo! two of my biggest flaws are actually identical to yours: i am terribly socially awkward and refuse to pick up the phone if something is not bleeding profusely or on fire.
paris! i didn’t read all the other comments so i don’t know what others have suggested but i loooved sacre coeur and montmartre (the district that sacre coeur is in). notre dame is amazing and it’s totally worth it to stand in the line to climb to the top, so do that too. also, if you have time, visit a village outside paris — we stayed in epinay-sur-seine and it was like a village from a storybook, it was so pretty.
Dad Gone Mad says:
Do delinquent de-lurks count?
Allison says:
I’m a lurker. I was in a session with you at BlogHer ‘07, so that’s how I know about this place. I like your blog.
Mrs. Chicky says:
De-lurking a day late - that’s a flaw, right?
And phones? The work of the devil. I avoid them at all cost.
RandomGirl says:
Not exactly sure what to say here- but I guess I’m saying that I’m here.
anita says:
On a completely random note, there is another Versailles. Unfortunately, it doesn’t require a trip across an ocean and its located in the country in Ohio…and I highly doubt that person had this particular Versailles in mind. Hope you have a great trip though. Drink lots of wine.
nancypearlwannabe says:
I’m a belated delurker! I wanted to add that Patisserie Millet has the best croissants I’ve ever had in my life (and I’ve had a number, as my ass can attest to) and I believe it’s in the 7th arrondissement, but you might want to google that to double check. Have fun on your trip! I’m super jealous.
Angela says:
If you find that croissant, you be sure to let me know straight away!
aimee/greeblemonkey says:
aww, hell. I will delurk roo. First to say I am pissed I missed delurking day on my own blog, also to say I love the word motherfucker and three: I TOO HATE THE TELEPHONE.
Superfantastic says:
I’m not really delurking since it’s my first time here, but I had to tell you about the pain au chocolate. Maybe you already know about it, but someone told me before I went to France and I was eternally grateful. It’s a croissant that is stuffed with dark chocolate and it is far better than it even sounds. I recommend stopping into every chocolaterie that you see so that you can get a fair sampling. The best one I had was at some chocolaterie on the Champs Elysees. I think other people covered most of my other France suggestions, except a trip to Epernay to tour the champagne houses. We went to Moet & Chandon. We also took a day trip to Amboise to see some chateaux.
Also, I despise the phone as well. I often find myself chanting “voicemailvoicemailvoicemail” as the other person’s phone is ringing in hopes that I won’t actually have to speak to anyone. Apparently phone hatred and social awkwardness go hand in hand since I too am equally afflicted by both.
Gwen says:
Delurking and sad that I missed the entire day of it. I could have delurked in sooo many places!
Enjoy France and screw worrying about the croissant pounds. You’ll walk ‘em off. I did, plus another 10 pounds. I’m still hoping some skinny French woman found ‘em.